


you say it's hard to keep a secret

by kblaze2



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Actor!Louis, Coming Out, Fluff and Smut, M/M, aspiring singer!liam, manager!harry, slight semi internalized homophobia, what is niall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-03
Updated: 2015-06-03
Packaged: 2018-04-02 11:26:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 55,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4058278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kblaze2/pseuds/kblaze2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Drunk cafe singer Liam Payne hooks up with successful Hollywood actor Louis Tomlinson in a club. Shenanigans and lots and lots of feelings ensue.</p><p>((an au very loosely based around change your ticket. if you squint.))</p>
            </blockquote>





	you say it's hard to keep a secret

**Author's Note:**

> JESUS CHRIST THIS WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS LONG.
> 
> this fic honestly should not have happened but i was bored and listening to change your ticket and here we are three months later.
> 
> also APOLOGIES but zayn sorta gets booted from the fic. whoops :/ he was in it but then the week of march 25th hit and literally everything after that and it just felt weird to me. plus i didn't like how i had him in there, he's really only necessary for liam's backstory. sorry. but he's still mentioned after he 'moves out.' i can't deny ziam.
> 
> and disclaimer: any movie titles or character names are completely coincidental and are not related to anything/anyone real on purpose. the songs mentioned are completely on purpose however, although i don't own them and credit the artists later.
> 
> also i apologize for my multiple switches between american english grammar and british english. i've read too many fics it's all just jumbled into one language in my head but i tried to keep it as universal as possible even though it is based in america. also sorry for any typos i didn't catch.
> 
> hope u enjoy :)

Liam wasn't _that_ drunk.

Or so he tells himself. And Zayn. And Niall. They really need to shut up.

And plus, the club was pretty dark, even if Liam had been completely sober he probably wouldn't have realized exactly what it was he was doing – _who_ he was doing it with.

Okay, no, that's a lie. He totally would've known. Even with all the flashing lights and crowds surrounding them, Liam would've noticed who he was talking to, sober that is. Since he was quite wasted and quite emotionally strung, he didn't.

The Lucky Cricket hadn't been the most welcoming to his recent set, and on top of everything else that week, it made Liam feel a little dejected. Or, a lot dejected. The manager didn't even _pay him_. Liam was less than outraged, but his Mom didn't waste eighteen years of her life for him to not use his manners. Now, if he flicked him off behind his back, well, nobody but Liam needs to know that. Honestly, Niall and Zayn were more furious than he was, and Niall, being the most vocal out of the three of them, consequently flipped a table and yelled in the manager's face. They got kicked out, but Liam doesn't mind that so much. He loves Niall. And fuck The Lucky Cricket, he'll sing somewhere else.

Niall didn't buy into that, and neither did Zayn – he really does know Liam too well – so they dragged him out to Inferno and got Liam a round of shots before they even made it to the dance floor. He loves his friends, really, but right now he hates them. Especially since they ditched him only a few minutes after that, and since Liam had to practically blindly stumble his way to the bathroom on his own – he really needs to build up his alcohol tolerance – and ended up stumbling into someone else instead, well.

"Whoa, there." Strong hands were on Liam's shoulder and he's _sure_ he's heard that voice somewhere before.

Liam mumbled something he's not entirely sure was coherent and the stranger just laughed.

"Wanna try that again?"

Something about him was making a part of Liam's brain alert, but it was quickly subdued by all the vodka. But when Liam looked up, it lit up again, because he's _sure_ he's seen those eyes before, that blue, that is. He fumbled for words and tried to string together his thoughts, but all he came up with was, "Niall?" He reached out for him but the hands that wrapped around his wrist weren't rough like Niall's.

"No, sorry. I'm just Louis," he shrugged, a small smile on his face.

Liam's eyes went kind of wide – he seemed so familiar. Maybe he went to school with him? No, he doesn't think so. Liam thought he was very pretty, and that's about all his alcohol ridden brain could keep track of at that moment. And he told him as much.

Louis laughed, and so did Liam, although he's not entirely sure what was so funny, but he liked the sound of Louis' laugh. A lot.

"Thanks," Louis told him. "Why don't we find you someplace to sit?" Liam thinks he nodded, quite a lot. He probably looked like a bobble head. But it got Louis laughing again, so he doesn't really care. He let Louis drag him away, hand cupped around at the elbow, and Liam's skin kind of tingled there. But he thinks it was just the booze. "What's your name?"

"Lee-yum," he answered happily, slouching into the booth Louis found. To his surprise, Louis sat himself down right next to Liam, almost crowding him into the corner. Liam didn't mind. "You look really familiar, do I know you?"

Louis ducked his head. Liam frowned and he's pretty sure he reached out and ran a hand through his hair – he's not sure why but he definitely remembers the feeling of his hair carded through his fingers, soft. And Louis sort of leaned into it, so he's not too horrified about it.

"Ah, probably," Louis answered, looking up at Liam. Liam's hand slid down to his neck and he remembers how warm it was there.

Liam leaned forward, very much close to Louis' face. "Are you going to make me guess?" He tried for a smile, but he's not sure how it turned out in his drunken state.

Louis didn't back away. He nodded, edging his nose to almost touching Liam's. "Sure." He pulled back and took a swig of his beer.

Liam doesn't know how many times he guessed, but he knows Louis laughed each time he did, a small shake of the head every time. Liam thinks he pouted, a lot – Zayn always tells him he does that far too much for an adult, to which he pouted – and he's pretty sure he never found out the answer amidst the many subject changes. He doesn't remember much of what Louis said, but he remembers feeling really good, and he remembers the feeling of Louis' fingers on the back of his hand, twirling shapes as they talked. After a while – Liam doesn't know how long, hours, probably – he felt himself start to sober up, just a little bit. And he remembers this:

He laughed so hard he fell forward onto Louis, and Louis slid a hand over his back, chin pressed to Liam's head. Liam gripped Louis' shoulder, pulling his head up. His lips brushed against Louis' neck, and he remembers the shudder that went through Louis quite vividly. Liam meant to say something sort of intelligent, but he tripped over his tongue and somehow ended up less than an inch away from Louis' mouth. His hand moved up to cup the back of Louis' head and Louis curled his hand around Liam's back completely before leaning in. His lips were soft and Liam could taste all the drinks he had on them, and he wondered if Louis could do the same. Their lips slotted together sloppily, and his teeth scraped against Louis' before they found a rhythm. When Louis bit down on Liam's bottom lip he's very embarrassingly sure he moaned out right, and Louis did it again before fitting his tongue between their mashed mouths. Liam ran his hand through the back of Louis' hair some more, pulling him closer to him, melding into him. He sucked on Louis' tongue and Louis' grip tightened on his waist. They kissed for a long time, which eventually turned into Louis straddling Liam, pressed up in the back corner of the booth, hips rutting together every so often. Liam tried for more friction but their angling was frustratingly awkward, and the second he pulled back to tell Louis this, Louis was already dragging him out of the booth. Liam kept his lips on Louis' neck and hands on his hips as Louis led them to the bathroom. Liam's not entirely proud of this – because _ew_ – but _fuck_. When they stumbled through the doors he saw Louis fumble for a condom in the broken machine out of the corner of his eye, which brought an undeniable twitch to his cock. He pressed himself closer to Louis and they soon became shaking hands and uneven breaths behind the stall doors.

Liam knows he dropped to his knees kind of quick, but fuck he had to do something. He messed around with Louis' belt for all of two seconds, pulling down the underwear and jeans in one go. Louis' dick bobbed up in front of Liam and he wasted no time in wrapping his mouth around the tip. He sucked heartily and messily, Louis moaning encouragingly above him. He flicked his tongue around, striping up the underside and swirling around at the slit. Louis' hand fisted his hair and Liam pressed hard into the divots in his hips. He grazed his teeth lightly along, making Louis shiver, dick pulsating in his mouth. Liam hollowed his cheeks around it, slowly dragging his head up and down, and Louis' grip on his short hair was so tight he's sure he's pulled out a few.

Somehow they ended up with Louis almost in Liam's lap in his crouched position, Louis gasping and pressing the underside of his palm to the bulge in Liam's jeans. He moaned onto Louis' cock in his mouth, bobbing faster with harder swirls of his tongue around him. They were moving in the same rhythm, Louis' hand going up Liam's cock as Liam took him in farther. Louis legs were shaking around him and his were too, and he's really amazed he was able to hold up both of their weight for so long. Louis' breathing shallowed out and Liam added his hand to the mix, striking Louis at the base just a few times until he came hard. Liam tried not to swallow – 'cause, still, stranger at a club and all that – and spat it into the toilet before Louis continued to press onto Liam's cock, his chest heaving and head on Liam's shoulder. Liam moaned and began to suck at Louis' neck, jerking up into his hand when it got too much for it to just _not be done with already_. He rocked his hips with Louis' movements and was soon biting into Louis' nape, moan getting swallowed by the soft skin there. They sat there for a while, regaining breath, folded into each other. Louis kissed lazily at Liam's neck for a bit, and Liam stroked his hand up and down his back.

Eventually, one of them cleared their throat, and they found their way up and out of the stall. Liam washed his hands, because, yuck. Louis made his way out and he buckled his belt with a warm smile sent Liam's way. Leaning up, he pressed his lips quick against Liam's. He moved to pull away but Liam wrapped a hand around his back and kissed him deeper. He was sober enough now that he knew what he was doing, he's not entirely sure what it all meant, but that didn't stop him. He really liked kissing Louis. And it seemed Louis liked it, too.

"Let me buy you a drink," Louis muttered into Liam's tongue and he nodded. Slipping his hand into Liam's, he pulled him out of the bathroom and towards the bar.

This is the part where they should've parted ways, the end of the hook up. But instead they got very drunk. Like, more than Liam was before. The rest of the night's a sort of haze for him, only a few points sticking out clearly: they danced in the throng of people, bodies bumping and lips smacking, eventually becoming untangled from the horde and out on their own on the side. Which led to them making out against the wall around the corner of the bar, a standing version of the time in the booth only an hour before. When their legs were slotted tight together and their hands were roaming widely across the other's skin, they managed to remember the forgotten condom. Liam thinks their rush to the bathroom was a lot quicker than it probably should've been, hastily rushing back into the stall where the condom lay on the floor.

Liam only has flashes of what happened next, exploding bits of memory of Louis' legs wrapped around his waist, Liam's precum and spit slicked fingers curling inside Louis as best he could without pinching where it was dry, then knees buckling and thighs shaking and the motion of in and out as Louis seemed to press farther into the wall each time. Liam doesn't remember the come down, only resting his head on Louis' shoulders but keeping his arms tight around him as he held him up, still. Their breathing seemed in tandem, chests rising and falling together.

Liam's not one for a lot of one-offs in clubs with strangers, and he's not really sure how sitting tipsy in a booth with Louis even sparked into this, alcohol considered. This isn't something he does usually, but he knows it wasn't the same. They got off _twice_ , for Christ's sake. And spent basically the whole night together, and Liam's pretty sure he actually _liked_ him, he laughed enough to guess as much. And he doesn't feel slightly dirty the way he would after his other one-offs, he felt, _warm_. And good. And happy. He's not sure what to think of that. Louis is still a stranger, after all. For the most part. Liam thinks fucking in the bathroom diminishes that barrier somewhat.

He remembers the feel of the fabric of Louis' shirt between his fingers, and the feel of the skin in his neck between his teeth, and the feel of Louis' fingers in his hair. He kind of remembers scribbling something on Louis' arm with a pen from the bar after they came out – he thinks it was his number. That's all he can clearly grab from his mind before suddenly being parted from Louis and quite literally running into Niall and Zayn, who draped arms over his shoulders and helped him as they walked away. He remembers part of the cab ride home, but that's it.

And now, he's awake in his bed, remembering last night, head banging and eyes burning from the light, feeling groggy. And irritated. So irritated, because Niall is bounding through his door and screaming in his face about 'why the fuck Louis Tomlinson is calling his phone.'

And _oh_.

Liam sits up in bed. _That_ Louis.

He hates himself for not recognizing him, even _that_ drunk. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

 _Fuck_ , he's in trouble.

+

Louis' having a really hard time scrubbing the black ink off of his arm. Jesus, did he use a fucking Sharpie? Why he scribbled on Louis' skin is beyond him, his cell phone was _right there_ in his pocket, but he guesses he understands. He was a little lost himself after all of _that_ , so he's not one to judge. He's not even sure where his mind went, but somehow the words 'interview tomorrow' slipped through his haze and he realized, oh yeah, oh fuck, I have a job and things to do that involve very much not being drunk or hungover. Harry would kill him if he knew that he went out, he's surprised he got Alberto to go along with it – seeing as it meant his night was filled with walking Louis to and fro in one piece, and as Harry has very specifically told everyone on crew not to let Louis do anything stupid, but Alberto just shrugged with a sly smile and off they went – his security really is the best.

"Fuck," he sighs when his skin is beginning to go raw. He's got press today that do _not_ need to see that on his wrist, even if Louis wears a long sleeve they'll find out, they always do – especially, Harry. Oh, God, if Harry finds out Louis'll never hear the end of it. He looks down desperately at the black smudge on his arm. _Why won't it come off?_

"Louis! I swear to God you better be awake!" The front door to his suite is slammed close, and he can hear each of Harry's huffy stomps.

He sighs, rolling his sleeve down. _Shit_. "I'm in here! You lanky fuck," he mutters the last part to himself, though he's sure Harry heard him anyways – even if he'd only thought it Harry would've heard it, it's just how they are.

Five years ago if someone told him that tall and naive Harry Styles, who was all limbs – still is – would be the manager of his pretty successful acting career, he would've laughed in their faces, or fainted, or both. But. Here they are. Best friends since Louis had adolescent dreams of winning an Oscar, his thank you speech very long and thought out – the right amount of heartfelt and comically witty – tucked away in his bedroom dresser with Harry's name the last but most certainly not least on his thank you list. They've trudged through shit storm after shit storm together. Doors slamming in faces, producers laughing over phone lines, cold emails of rejection and defeat. There'd been times he wanted to give up – just fuck it all and crawl back home to his Mom and sisters – but Harry stood by him and kept him going. Surprisingly, he really is the reason Louis is where he is today. Harry never seemed the type to have the last word and get in people's faces without backing down, but apparently it could be done quite efficiently if Louis' career was involved. He loves the happy bastard, he does.

Now, Harry still manages to handle Louis and all his messes before Louis even knows he's going to make them, on top of a few other clients. But the promise of 'you'll always be my number one, Lou, always,' sealed with a kiss to the nose hasn't been broken and Louis is so, so glad. He'd quite literally be lost without Harry. Probably roaming the streets with a tin can and résumés if Harry hadn't become the foundation for his career.

Which, was at full bloom right now. In the middle of this new project, he has some days off of filming to do the promo tour for the last one, and also somewhat for this one. 'Two birds with one stone,' Harry calls it. Louis calls it murder. Absolute murder. He's never been so exhausted in his life; all he wants to do is sleep. And Liam – _fuck_. Why did he even go out? He thought he caught another wind of energy and acted on a whim (and also a few swallows of vodka from the mini fridge), and that's how he ended up in the back stall of some club for most of the night, and this fucking indelible ink on his arm, and a bounce to his step. Fuck. He wants to call him.

But Harry's standing in the doorway to his bathroom acting like he's not checking the time while very pointedly looking between Louis and his watch. Right.

"Why aren't you dressed? _Louis_." Harry flails his arms, distressed and whiny like Louis' always known him. "We're already late."

"Harry, we're, like, an hour early, relax." Louis crosses his arms. He's not doing anything more until Harry leaves the room, he needs to hide this number as best as he can for as long as possible, and he intends to.

Harry opens his mouth to say something but then his eyes narrow kind of dangerously. He's glaring, actually, and Louis feels his skin burning – he can really be frightening, for all that he is, a big lump of dork.

"What the _hell is that?_ " Harry spits, and he's lunging at Louis and oh, shit, shit, there's nowhere to run. The edge of the counter is digging uncomfortably into his ass as he backs up as far as he possibly can without climbing on the counter. If he did that, Harry would just pull him off – he's surprisingly strong. Suddenly Harry is pressed flat up against him, clawing at the collar of Louis' shirt.

Oh, _fuck_.

Harry's eyes are scanning over the many, _many_ , bruises adorning Louis' neck and shoulders, and he never really associated green with murder until now. It's vicious, really, Harry's stare. Then he yanks the shirt off and growls, and Louis just gives up at that point. There are bruises _everywhere_. He'd be more aggravated about it if he wasn't flashing back to the pressure of that tongue and the nips of those teeth as they grazed over Louis' skin, hand grabbing his hair tight as he tried to reciprocate and – fuck, Louis is getting _very_ off track. And now is really not the best time to be thinking of any of that with Harry looking very ready to kill him. 

Harry looks up at Louis, eyes still slits, and Louis tries his best to seem innocent, but he's honestly too afraid to convey anything else, so he's not sure what his face comes up with. Harry is breathing heavily, and he's running a hand through his hair like he wants to tear it all out, and Louis is cowering as much as he can – did Harry grow again in the last five minutes? Can he actually Hulk up? Is that a thing? Louis feels like it is, considering how small he feels right now. But that's mostly because he knows he's disappointed Harry, he can see it under the daggers he's shooting at him right now. Harry doesn't ask for much from Louis, because well, they're friends. And Harry doesn't really try to keep Louis on lockdown during press tours or award show prep or between shoots, he knows him, and it'd be stupid, really, to expect a 28 year old to stay indoors because his just barely 26 year old manager/best friend told him too. Like, seriously. But. But the times Harry does are really only for Louis' benefit – and he _hates_ when he lets Harry down like that. Harry is just one big human of love and affection, and he has reason, lots of it, mostly just for Louis' protection. And Louis kind of sucks, sometimes about that. He tries his best, really, because it doesn't happen often that Harry tells him no, so it's the least he could do to fucking listen. But, again, he sucks, and Harry is too good for him, and he enjoys alcohol and dancing far too much to think completely rationally.

"I'm sorry," Louis says. Because he is. He puts a hand on his shoulder.

Harry only stares. And when his eyes start to soften, and he still hasn't said anything, Louis pokes at him, until he cracks. Which he, of course, does. "I'm so firing Alberto," Harry laughs, grabbing Louis' hand to stop the prodding.

Louis chuckles. Harry sighs and continues to shake his head at him. Louis moves his hand to Harry's hair, and because Harry quite literally is a kitten, he leans into Louis' touch and purrs. And then they're hugging, and Louis guesses they're okay. He loves Harry.

"I hope you had fun last night," Harry is mumbling into his shoulder.

Louis has a flash of sitting in the booth with Liam, feeling warm on vodka and his smile. "Yeah," he answers, and then there's a flash of being pressed up against the wall, legs tight around Liam's waist. He swallows. "So much." And then he remembers. He peels himself out of Harry's grasp, who visibly pouts. Louis smiles weakly. "You got any ideas?" He presents his besmudged arm.

Harry glances down, confused, and then groans, "Louuuuuuu," and runs a hand through his hair. "We're already going to have to run you through make up even longer because of…" he trails off and waves at Louis' speckled torso.

"I know." He leans back against the counter as Harry begins to work his magic. He bites the inside of his cheek and considers for a moment before, "Is it too terrible to want to call him?"

"For you, yes. For anyone else, no," Harry snorts, getting a fresh washcloth. And Louis knows immediately it's not him, Louis Tomlinson: Hollywood Actor, it's, Louis Tomlinson: Giant Fuckwad of All Things Romantic and People. Yeah, okay, Harry has a point. But, _still_.

"C'mon, Harry. I'm serious. I don't – He was so – I want to – fuck, I want to see him again. Like, for real. Not dark flashes of his nose every now and then." He leans on his other arm. "Which was very adorable by the way."

Harry laughs, pausing scrubbing at Louis' arm. "As your friend, I say, go for it. As your manager," he looks him in the eye, "I say, hell no. It's too risky. You haven't even _come out_ yet, Lou. You can't go around with these guys all of a sudden. _And_ you don't even know him. He could reveal you in a second. I don't trust it. You didn't give him your name did you?"

Louis shakes his head. "Just my first, but he was too wasted to think about. He kept asking me if he knew me, it was really cute, actually. He was all frustrated and pouting and slurring his words and –"

Harry stops him, putting a hand up. "No, need for the details. Just – what happens in clubs stays in clubs. Dark, dark clubs."

Louis kicks his feet. "But. I trust him, I think. Yeah." Something about his very broad shoulders and gentle touch and those fucking _eyes_ , well. You can't not trust that. Or, at least Louis can't. For all he does to protect himself and shield his identity, he's actually kind of weak. Then again, this is Louis' sexuality on the line, his _career_ on the line. It could all go to shit very fast.

But those _hands_.

"What if he does work out who I was? Like, shouldn't we call him just to make sure he doesn't go running to the tabloids?" Louis tries, eyebrow arched. He sees Harry considering, that's enough he needs to win this. "You know even if some random stranger stirs up a rumor that hits the National Enquirer, not everyone will ignore it. It'll become a thing. Endless phone calls and questions and cameras, we won't be able to avoid it." He swings his legs idly, watching Harry run through all the possible scenarios in his head where this goes very, very wrong.

Harry groans. "Fuck. Fine, call him. But be so careful, Lou. Please." Harry's eyes have gone all big and round like the moon, and he's pleading.

Louis nods. "Promise." And he means it, one for Harry, who smiles at him and goes back to removing the ink from his arm, and two, for himself. He's just _not ready_ to be out yet. He knows it won't be too bad, now, civil rights and equality rising more and more and all that, but _still_. The industry is cruel, terrifyingly so, cripplingly so, and he doesn't know what he'd do if he was treated differently because of that. His family knows, and a few close friends from home, and Harry, obviously. And now Liam. He doesn't care, he wants them to know every part of him that makes him who he is, but the rest of the world – he doesn't owe them that. He doesn't owe them anything. He's been asked a few times on Twitter and he knows the suggestion floats out there somewhere, but he's not answering until he's ready.

It's hardest when there's fanmail or something, asking him for advice or thanking him for helping them be themselves or be happy – Louis actually crumbles when he reads those – and it's hard. So hard, because he wants to pour his heart out and let them really know he's on their side and that he's sorry, so sorry, life is like this. He wants to be able to give real advice and wants to talk about what helped him and remind them above all else that _it's okay_. Rejection is soul crushing and Louis doesn't wish that on anybody, and it's even more concerning considering all the pressure teenagers face, and the question of your own sexuality should not be so stressful. He's always wanted to put his support out there – he helps out with charities and foundations a lot, but always anonymously. He doesn't like to hide, but he's not ready to come out, yet, either.

"Go ahead and call him. You won't have time later, busy busy today," Harry is telling him, drying off his arm. Louis already put the number in his phone, he'll call on the way to the studios. Yeah, alright. He wants to see where this goes.

+

Liam's head is spinning – and it's not just the hangover.

Niall and Zayn are yelling in his face and he's trying really hard to ignore him and to also process what the fuck is happening.

He had sex with Louis Tomlinson.

He must've woken up in somebody else's life, maybe this is some Freaky Friday shit? No, he thinks dimly, it's Saturday. And he very clearly remembers the name Louis from last night, among the other things he's already had flashes of. It all makes sense, as much as Liam wants to deny it – well, not really deny it, rather can't believe it, but he has to, because it happened, he was there. And he _knew_ he was familiar, and it all hit Liam like a pile of bricks when he found out, because _duh_. No one else walks around with a face that pretty and eyes _that_ blue and a laugh that undeniably characteristically beautiful. That was definitely Louis Tomlinson right before his eyes for, like, four hours, and he was too drunk to notice. He hates himself. Especially given all the movies and interviews he's seen of him, and he was _right there in the flesh_ and Liam didn't fucking know. He'd be really angry with himself, except.

Louis called him. Like, on purpose.

He said he wants to see Liam again, and that was enough for Liam to run to the toilet and vomit before hearing anything else. He's never drinking again. Oh, God, he got _drunk with Louis Tomlinson_. His life has never been this exciting, and it's too much for one night. With Louis _calling him back_. Fuck.

But then he thinks not to think too much of it, because when he goes to listen to the message again with Zayn and Niall breathing down his neck, Louis says he needs to talk to him about, you know, hooking up with a guy. And oh, yeah, Liam didn't even think about that. He's not going to tell, obviously. That doesn't bring him any satisfaction whatsoever. And – well, it's rude for starters. And disrespectful. Liam went through enough in life without needing the extra label as _the gay one_ that he doesn't want anyone else to go through. And it's even harder for Louis, considering his position. And obviously he doesn't want anyone to know, and Liam's not going to betray his trust like that. He would never take that nerve it takes to come out – that deep breath and step forward – away from anybody. It's their step to take. Liam's not going to ruin that.

But why did he trust him? Louis could've very well gone on with his life because Liam sure as hell didn't know it was him until he called. Maybe it's just a precaution? Liam's not sure, but he thinks he wants to take Louis up on his offer. Get a chance to meet him, properly. Sober. Aware. And Niall and Zayn would probably kill him if he didn't try for an autograph or something, they're already mad as it is – which Liam can't understand because it's not his fault Hollywood Actors are roaming the string of clubs at night and hooking up with people, even if one of those people turned out to be Liam. Which he has no control over. He's said as much to them, but that didn't make them acquiesce. He needs new roommates, honestly.

He breaks away from Niall and Zayn, who are currently rambling about anything that has to involve Louis Tomlinson and his net worth, and goes back into his room and locks the door. His headache has subsided a bit, but not by much, with all the yelling and screaming he didn't expect it to. He's taken some painkillers already, but. He drank a lot. With Louis Tomlinson. He swallows and plays the message again. He mostly listens to Louis' voice, the small catch in it when he starts off, the slight shake to it, the laugh he lets out at his joke. Liam has a flash of last night when he hears it. His heart gets warm and his stomach flutters a little. Even through all the haze, he _knows_ he had the greatest time last night – like, he even felt happier when he woke up, including the part with Niall yelling in his face. It's certainly a much better mood than the one he was in when the night started, disgruntled and sideswiped, dejected, even.

Fuck, he needs to find a new gig now. That's the ninth place that's let him go in under a year, and he doesn't know what he's doing wrong. People come to his shows, he gets paid – sans last night – so he doesn't understand the problem. Zayn tells him it's just the way the world works and someone someday will appreciate his singing and he'll get a record deal and yada yada yada. Wishful thinking. Liam's been in the real world, there's no room for that. He should probably just get another job now, help pay his portion of the rent. He wasn't making much gigging anyways, and he needs more pocket money. He'll look some up tomorrow. Maybe.

Niall and Zayn's voices increase in volume outside Liam's door, and he knows Niall's probably just insulted Zayn's favorite haircut on Louis – again. It's a low blow for Niall, which starts an overextended argument. Liam sighs. He doesn't get in the middle of their fights, but he does agree with Zayn on this front. The mohawk/quiff combination from the MTV Movie Awards last year was definitely one of Liam's favorites. Then again, anything Louis does is Liam's favorite. He never thought kissing and handjobs would be on that list, though. But there you have it.

He gulps and heads back out to the living room. Niall turns his head mid-yell but stops. "Think I'm going to the Four Seasons," he says, and Zayn's mouth drops. Liam nods in confirmation (definitely more for his own sake) and Niall shares a look with Zayn before running a hand through his hair.

Zayn walks up to him. "Be careful, Li," he says. "Spotlight's hell."

Liam nods again. He knows that, but he doesn't think it'll be too much of a problem - he's good at hiding. And it's only one two o' clock meeting, no one will think anything of it, there's plenty of other guests in the hotel. And, if he wants expects to make it in the music world, he's gotta be prepared for stuff like that. "I'll be fine, Zee."

"Bring me back an autograph," Niall says, ever so prompt. Zayn rolls his eyes and Liam sighs. He should probably look up where the Four Seasons is.

+

So, like, getting his answering machine yesterday had been a little discouraging, and definitely made this more awkward. But, whatever, he's Louis fucking Tomlinson, he can do anything. Except be straight with a guy – _ha_ – even when his own career is on the line. It was hard for him to tell Liam he wants to see him again, especially over the phone. He doesn't know what exactly happened, but when the tone for the message beeped he lost all sense of words and proper English, and he's pretty sure he made a fool of himself. His throat got dry and his voice caught on the memory of Liam's hand in his hair and his mouth slotted with his. He really should have had Harry call – being his manager and all that. It would've been totally professional, and Louis would still be a credible human being. He tried his best to say what he needed – _Four Seasons, 2 o' clock, guard will be waiting by the elevator, can I trust you?_ – but what he wanted to say – _will you please kiss me again and let me tell you stupid jokes so you'll laugh that laugh you do forever_ – was definitely not conveyed in the message. And the more he thinks about it, the less he believes he'll be able to say it in person, at least easily, now that they're both sober.

It's nearing two now, and his leg won't stop shaking. What if he didn't even get the message and doesn't come? What if he hates every movie Louis' ever been in and wants nothing to do with him? Or what if he actually _does_ go running to the media about it all? No, no. He has to give him the benefit of the doubt. Even intoxicated he didn't seem anything less than decent. It's all going to be fine. Louis will be fine. Maybe. God, this was handled so poorly. He should've listened to Harry. He tugs at his shirt collar worriedly – it's not even constricting he just needs something to _do_ to pass the time.

Which, he doesn't get to do for very long, because there's a knock at his door. And even through the 'oh shit' running through him and speeding up his heart rate, Louis can't help but to smile wide. He actually showed up. Louis doesn't know where to go from here.

"Come in," he says, rising to his feet. And then Liam is standing in front of him. Fuck, he wants to kiss him and his stupidly pink lips. Shit, be professional. There's actual serious business to be taken care of first. "Hi." Louis smiles again.

Liam waves sheepishly. "Hey." Fuck, he's even cuter when he's nervous. Louis hopes he looks this adorable when he's that nervous – which would be about right now. He swallows. "So…" Liam trails, and oh, right, he's supposed to be talking.

"Um, yeah, did you – uh – have a seat. Please." Louis gestures to the bed. Liam walks over and sits on top of it, legs crossed. Louis gathers himself. "Right." He joins him on the bed. "So, um, about," he clears his throat. "About last night."

"Yeah." Liam nods, cheeks flaming a little when he looks down.

"I – uh – I had a really great time," he starts, because well, he did, and that frown on Liam's face is making him physically weak. Liam looks up, eyes smiling at the edges. Louis reaches out and takes his hand, heart fluttering a bit. "Like, really great. But." He stops, and Liam's eyes fall again. He intertwines their fingers.

"Oh. I get it. Look, I – you didn't – I didn't know it was you I was giving my number to – and, like, I should've figured it was gonna be like that anyways, that's what clubs are for, right? I was just – drunk and stupid. I get it."

It takes Louis a moment to realize what he's saying. "No, no! That's – no, that's not why I called you. Actually, I would –" he stops, finding it really difficult to speak right now. Harry told him he would have to be in touch with his emotions for this – Louis' biggest problem. Especially with strangers. And especially when he spends the better part of four hours with them and wakes up feeling better than he has in months, with their smile on his mind and fuck – he doesn't like this. He thinks he likes Liam, and that's the hardest part of all of this.

Liam squeezes his fingers a little and Louis exhales. He'll just say the other thing first – he's good at avoiding things. He's managed to avoid a role in a video game adaptation movie for _years_ , and they call like, every month – he can do this fine. "Yeah, so, um. Well, as you know, my life and job are all over the place – everyone knows everything, it seems."

Liam nods. "'Cept that you're gay."

And, okay, wow, that was pretty straightforward – _ha_ again – he was struggling with a way to say it and then. But, yeah, it's out there now – not that it wasn't already obvious thanks to last night, but still. He doesn't think anyone's ever said that to him before, he's only said it about himself to people he absolutely trusts. This is – this is weird. But, okay. It's totally okay.

"Um, yeah," Louis says; he twists his fingers with Liam's. "Right. And, like, I'm just not ready for that, yet. _Everyone_ knowing. I'd just rather keep it to my circle, you know?"

"'Course," Liam says, a little somberly and Louis realizes he probably _does_ know – he's not the only one on this boat. "You don't have to worry about that. I'm not going to say anything – wasn't planning on it. I would never do that to someone." He says it so firmly and positively that Louis' heart swells up a bit – or a lot. He really wants to kiss him.

"I – thank you. That – that means a lot to me. It's just crazy. My life. It's the last part of me that's mine. But, then, it's also theirs, because I have to hide it like this, and I just – it's tiring. Sometimes I wish I could just go out on the streets holding hands with whoever I want, but." Louis shrugs, cheeks blazing at having revealed way more than he intended. "Just not ready for them to know yet. And all the backlash –" Louis shudders. "I can't deal with that."

Liam places his other hand over their joined ones. "I know what it's like, I mean. I wouldn't expect you to _want_ to do that – proudly reveal yourself and have people hate you for it. Because you're amazing. And talented. And fuck them." Louis meets his warm brown eyes and Liam ducks his head.

"Yeah," Louis agrees, voice catching – why is this man so _endearing_? "Glad I can count on you," he adds and Liam sends him a small smile. "And…" It's now or never, and Louis really doesn't want to think of a possible life where he never sees that smile again, or those eyes, or these hands, or those lips – or where he didn't at least _try_. He adds his other hand to their tangle in between their laps. "You don't have to – I know it will be hard, and a risk for you – but I. I was hoping I could see you again? Keep seeing you." He looks up but Liam's not saying anything and he feels completely embarrassed and out of his element. And _so_ stupid. "Only if you want to. I know it's a lot to ask – and I wouldn't expect you to –"

"Louis," Liam says calmly. Louis looks up and Liam is smiling at him softly, a sight Louis doesn't think he'll ever get used to. "Yes."

Louis blinks. "Yes?"

Liam nods, laughing, and that's it – Louis surges forward and kisses him. His hand curves around the back of Liam's neck and Liam's immediately grabs his waist, squeezing. Louis remembers two nights ago all too well now, the feeling of Liam's soft and warm lips on his own, his insides burning. And then Liam slowly slots his tongue in and around and – fuck. Louis bites on it in retaliation, which soon leads to a heated frenzy of lips and teeth and tongue and everything inside Louis feeling absolutely brilliant at this moment.

It soon turns lazy, and their positions are awkward, half sitting, half laying, so they break apart – all too soon in Louis' opinion. He rests his head against Liam's, sitting cross legged on the bed again. Liam's smile is bright and Louis' skin tingles at the place when their foreheads meet.

"My friends know, though," Liam says.

"Huh?" Louis leans forward and nips at Liam's bottom lip, because he can, and absolutely wants to.

Liam's breath fans out over his face, kind of staggered. He smiles still, and so does Louis. "My, uh, roommates. Only because they have no sense of privacy and listened to the message before I did. Not that I would've been able to come here without them knowing – they find out everything. But they're cool, I swear. They won't say anything."

Louis feels strangely calm about it. Usually, any prospect of anyone selling him out or everyone finding out would give him so much anxiety he'd go get absolutely wasted to try and forget about it – only to return to it the next day. It's a vicious cycle. But, with Liam, he's not worried. And can't find any reason to be. Maybe he just doesn't want to believe that he should be wary, wants to keep this whole situation absolutely perfect in his head. Or maybe he just really does trust Liam after all the presses of lips and tangles of fingers and exchanges of laughs and the grazes of teeth and skin. Something about Liam just makes him feel okay about everything.

So he shrugs. "That's fine. If you trust them, I do." Liam smiles and his lips brush against Louis', so he erases that centimeter of space in favor for his own mouth. The kiss is soft and slow – but short lived, with the knock on his door. Liam jumps back. "Fuck, that's probably Harry. Manager," he explains. "But, he's also my best friend and an absolute fool, so don't believe a thing he says. He's no harm." He rubs his hand up and down Liam's arm and Liam nods. "Come in!" Louis yells.

The door opens and in walks Harry, thumbing away at his phone. He glances up and spots Liam, offering him a smile. Liam seems really confused and Louis shouldn't enjoy the crinkle in his nose so much. "You must be Liam. Hi, 'm Harry." He sticks out his hand to shake and Liam takes it before Harry promptly settles himself in Louis' lap. "Your mom wants to know why you won't answer your phone," he announces, poking Louis. "And Fallon wants you on again, I said yes, obviously. Then Thursday's the People, Entertainment Weekly, and E! interviews –"

"I thought we both decided that E! was composed of invalids with enough Botox to make the world flat again," Louis whines, biting at Harry's shoulder.

"Yes, but they want to talk about your 'Jefferson Walker' style and there hasn't been enough promo for _Manhattan Streets_ and this will keep the people's interest peaked – hasn't been getting good feedback between all those Marvel movies and that sex trilogy releasing left and right, _Manhattan's_ been getting shoved under the carpet. _And_ you need to pretend that you don't totally hate E!, seeing as you've been actively avoiding them for about a year." Louis groans outwardly and Harry slaps him on the head. "Shush. And then there's the lunch on Friday with everyone from _Guess Again_. Premiere's not 'til next week though."

Louis sighs. "When's Fallon?"

"Next Tuesday. And you've got plenty of time in between everything to do," he glances at Liam and smirks, "whatever."

Louis sees Liam's cheeks heat up over Harry's shoulder. "Anything tomorrow?" he asks.

"So subtle," Harry teases. "But, no. Nothing tomorrow."

Louis puts a hand on Liam's thigh behind Harry's back, and squeezes. "Excellent." Liam's face gets incredibly red and Louis snickers into Harry's shoulder.

"Ew, okay." Harry removes himself from Louis' lap. "So, we're all good here?" He points a finger as menacingly as possible at Liam, who stiffens, but nods. "You do understand how important this is, right? This is going to involve a lot of secrecy, whatever this is."

"Harry," Louis says, because honestly, it's _fine_. He knows what Harry's doing, though. He's probably more protective of Louis' career than Louis is, but then again, he's also fiercely protective of Louis in general – which he doesn't quite understand how someone so lanky and unbalanced can channel so much energy into things like this; his heart is huge and Louis suspects he takes up about 65% of it, he'd be lying if he didn't say it was reciprocated. Maybe just a smidge less, though. Maybe not.

Liam nods shakily. "Yeah, I – I understand. You can trust me, don't worry." His voice holds out stronger than originally anticipated and Louis feels a swoop in his stomach. Liam's hand squeezes the one of Louis' that's on top of his thigh.

Harry still looks skeptical and Louis would love him for it if it wasn't so intrusive at the moment. Harry sighs and looks back to Louis. "Call your mom," he says and then he turns on his heel and out he goes.

"He really loves you," Liam says, fondly, a little glaze in his eye.

"Yeah," Louis nods, smiling small. "I've known him since forever, probably wouldn't be here without him. But, to be fair, if he were me, and I were him, I'd be about ten times worse, probably wouldn't let him out of my sight. Fake scandals left and right, with that one." He stares at the door kind of wistfully, thinking about when Harry came home with a bloody nose and fat lip and Louis with a bruised soul all because the tenth graders didn't quite like Louis prancing across stage in the school production of _Rent_ , and Harry didn't quite like their teasing. Bless his soul, he was even skinnier then and took four punches before he could even finish his threat. Louis loves him a lot. Harry's mom didn't really appreciate it the way Louis did, but she still helped sew back together Louis' costume until his mom got back from work.

"My friends are the same way," Liam starts, smiling at his shoes crossed on the bed. "They talk a lot of shit but I don't think they've ever actually been in a fight. I think they'd probably win, though. I'd definitely win."

"Oh, would you?" Louis pretends to snort, but it falls short upon one glance at Liam's bicep against his shirtsleeve.

"Well, I box," Liam tells him, simply, shrugging, and –

" _Fuck_ , of course you do." Louis falls back on the bed and drapes his arm over his eyes. Leave it to Louis to have all this glory of one man fall into his life at the perfectly inopportune moment. He peeks under his arm and finds Liam staring at him, and he's not sure what to make of that look in his eye – it's half confused and half… something else – so he pokes him with his foot. "So if anyone asks about you we can just say you're my new bodyguard, then." Louis sits up and prods at him some more. " _Jesus_." He runs his hand along Liam's lateral, then traces along his abs – which are definite enough to be felt under the shirt, Christ – then up across his chest, hand ghosting over Liam's nipple and he kind of shudders a little. His hand reflexively smacks around Louis' wrist and Louis looks up, startled. His dick may twitch.

"Tickled," Liam says, voice small, eyes heavy.

"Sorry," Louis says. He looks at his tiny wrist completely enveloped by Liam's hand. He gulps. He thinks he'd really like it if Liam fucked him into this mattress, but that seems a bit candid. They've got plenty of time for that, anyhow.

Liam's fingers trail away from Louis' wrist. "Uh," he clears his throat. "Where's the restroom?"

"Right there," he points to the door across from the foot of the bed, trying to catch his breath. Honestly, nothing even _happened_ , he shouldn't be this worked up. _God_.

Liam nods and slides off the bed, disappearing behind the bathroom door. Louis flops back and groans. There's a long list of things building in his head of things he'd very much enjoy doing with Liam, or to him, or vice versa, but there's also this tug in his chest that just wants to lay here with him. That's it. Just lay here. He finds that pathetic until his mind flashes with Liam's dumb laugh from the bar and he thinks he's quite justified there. And then he also doesn't want to make Liam uncomfortable, and pushing him down on the bed and trailing his tongue along his torso just might do that. Liam already thought Louis just wanted to send him off with a promise to not tell his secret, which, well. Had he really given that impression? He didn't mean to, he just couldn't find words on the phone and maybe Liam was just preparing himself for the worst, or something. But he wouldn't mind just laying in here, for a while, if it made Liam comfortable. Because he really doesn't want him to go running. To be honest, he'd rather Liam just stay here for the whole next month straight, if he could have it his way. But he highly doubts that's going to happen, so.

Also, he's surprised at how well Liam's taking all of – well, Louis. Like, for someone who had a hook up in a club with a stranger who turned out to be a Hollywood actor, he's handling it pretty well. Even Stan gets somewhat flustered when coming to visit Louis, and he's known him longer than Harry. It's slightly refreshing though, being able to hold a conversation with someone like he's still an actual person, which he is, and he doesn't understand why people can't see that. And there's always the few that pretend to be interested just for premiere tickets or award show passes or something like that – not all of his hook ups were handled well, and he's had to give a countless amount of tickets as collateral for not spilling his secret. He doesn't really trust those guys to hold out long, though. There'll probably be another rumor about his sexuality flying around soon, and he probably won't be able to hide it any longer. But he'll try his best to keep it under wraps, especially since he doesn't want to expose Liam to this kind of spotlight. It's not fun, it's probably the biggest downside to his life, but he thinks it's worth it. But will Liam think Louis' worth it, is the question.

+

The cold water is only helping a little. Liam's skin is flushed enough that he could probably pass off as some type of odd superhero that fell in a vat of toxic tomatoes. Niall would be laughing at him right now if he knew he was hiding away in the bathroom, which Liam finds ironic because Niall's whole face gets darker than Mars in, like, a second, so.

Oh, God, what has he gotten himself into? Every time he starts to feel somewhat comfortable with Louis, he takes a look around the ridiculously cushy expensive hotel room, or is reminded he has a manager, or a scene from _Round Trip_ pops into his head – although, granted that is his favorite movie ever, it just so happens that Louis plays the main character; a coincidence, really. And it's really hard to try and get to know someone you already know quite a lot about, but he can't exactly go and share what he knows, can he? He's trying to separate him from his favorite actor and this person sitting in front of him who just blatantly admitted he actually likes Liam, which all just morphs into 'famous actor stuck in the closet who wants to be with you but not _seen_ with you.' And like, Liam gets it, he totally does, but. He likes to go out on dates. He likes to hold hands in public. He would like to tell his parents about whoever he's seeing. He likes to be comfortable. And this, this is new. It's not exactly uncomfortable, but it's – concerning.

But he also really likes Louis in return, so he's in a bit of a dilemma.

And he doesn't really believe he's the type to throw it all away when it gets a little difficult. He wouldn't have made it this far in his music career if he did. To be fair, he hasn't made it _that_ far, he still doesn't have a record deal. But he's getting paid. Compared to two years ago when he was doing free shows at libraries and pediatric wards – which he still pops into every now and then because he did really enjoy being there with the kids – this is an improvement. Somewhat. He can contribute to the rent pretty easily now, so he'll take it. But he can't deny he definitely wants something more. 'Good things come to those who wait,' is not really the mantra he wants to be living by right now, but it's more or less the response he gets from his father every time he's in a bind. Financially or spiritually. It's disconcerting to keep getting turned down, or looked over, or just ignored, but he knows he wouldn't have made it as far as the libraries if he hadn't pushed himself all through school. If he could trudge through bullies and his sisters' teasing, he can take a few more years of shit gigs and pay. He can handle this… whatever it is with Louis. He hopes.

See, he _wants_ to date Louis, too, is the problem. He hasn't quite decided if his heart is set on this as dating Louis because he's the fantastic, funny guy from the club, or if it's as Louis the fantastic, funny actor. Then again, actor Louis is not the one who made Liam see white sparks or kissed him pressed up in a booth with fingers in his hair, and then again ten minutes ago. And not even actor Louis made Liam laugh so hard and feel so warm inside, not even in _Round Trip_.

So, he turns the water off and dries his face. It can't hurt to at least try.

When he emerges from the bathroom, Louis is sprawled out on the bed with about fifty movies surrounding him. Looking up, he sees Liam and smiles at him, waving him over. "I figured we could just watch a movie or something," he shrugs.

"Or twenty," Liam laughs, picking up about five and turning them over.

"Just because I act in them doesn't mean I can't watch them," Louis says, grabbing them from Liam's hands indignantly. But without heat. Liam smiles and sits on the bed amongst the pile. "And I just thought we'd do something, you know, chill."

Liam feels a surge of something in his chest he probably shouldn't be feeling in such a large quantity, but. He knows what Louis' doing. For him. And, well. He's allowed to feel gratitude. But he gets the feeling Louis wasn't really looking for him to express this, so he does it as simply as he can. Leaning forward, he catches Louis' lips in a kiss. It's soft, and taken Louis by surprise, and it's over before Louis can reciprocate. But that's alright with Liam.

"How about _Bruce Almighty_?" Liam asks, sliding the case over.

Louis stares at him for a second, mouth hung open a little. Liam shouldn't feel proud, but he does. Then Louis nods his head. "Yeah. Sounds good." Liam gets up to put it in the DVD player, which is hooked up to a TV he's sure is more expensive than his and Niall and Zayn's apartment. He gulps. "I'm gonna make some popcorn," Louis says and Liam nods. "Well, actually, I don't have any popcorn," Louis realizes, and Liam can see him frowning in the reflection of the TV. Louis pads over to the door and pokes his head out. Then he leaves. Liam wasn't expecting that.

He stares dumbly at the open door for a minute. Until Louis returns with a proud smile on his face. "Sorry. Got my security to head across the street to get us some popcorn and chocolate. If that's alright – did you want something else? I'll go and get him –"

"Louis," Liam interrupts, laughing. Louis' already got his foot out the door. "It's fine. That sounds perfect."

"Okay. If you're sure. But if you want anything else, Alberto will get it no problem," Louis offers, pointing out the door as the thick man in all black who brought him up here heads past the room.

Louis closes the door and Liam shakes his head. "I'm good."

"Alright." Louis hasn't moved though, and Liam pauses from putting the case away. He raises his eyebrow and Louis comes over, sliding his arms behind Liam's back and kissing him. This time it's Liam's turn to be surprised, but it doesn’t take him long to kiss him back. Louis fists a handful of his shirt, pressing up against his chest. Liam has one hand on the top of the TV for balance and the other tangled in the loose hair at the base of Louis' neck. Louis sucks on his bottom lip and Liam moans, enough for Louis to slip his tongue in. The kiss goes on for a while, probably longer than necessary but neither is complaining. Soon, Liam's back is against the wall and Louis is sucking at his neck, crotch pressing into his thigh. Liam thinks there'll be a mark once Louis' done, and it excites him enough that he grinds his hips a little further into Louis' space, but then he thinks about how _there's going to be a mark_ and how Niall and Zayn will never shut up about it. Then, he's wishing that he was not thinking about his roommates at this moment because a thought pops in his head that is really distracting from the feel of Louis' teeth nipping at the skin below his ear. But for some reason he decides to voice it anyways.

"Can I get your autograph?"

And wow, he probably could've worded that better, or not said it at all. The second one was probably the better choice.

Louis pulls back, taking a step away from Liam. "Excuse me?"

"No, I – I'm sorry. I didn't – my, uh, roommates want it. I wasn't – I don't –"

"So, do you think about your roommates every time you kiss someone?" Louis asks, arms crossed.

"What? Ew. No. I just – I knew I would forget. And then they would kill me. And… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have just blurted it out like that. You don't have to; they'll get it over it. I'm sorry."

Louis slaps his hand over Liam's mouth. "You babble when you're nervous." He's chuckling, so that's a good sign. Liam relaxes.

"So I've been told," Liam says against Louis' fingers. He nips at his index finger before Louis slides his hand away. Liam holds onto it anyways.

"Yes, I'll sign something for your stupid friends. But don't ever kill the mood like that again," Louis warns, but twines his fingers with Liam's.

"Technically, we were supposed to be starting a movie." Liam brings their hands up between their faces. He presses his palm flat against Louis', finding his hand slightly bigger than his.

Louis locks his fingers with Liam's, and their hands clap together. "Shut up."

Liam's leaning down to kiss him again when there's another knock on the door.

"If you don't have food go away," Louis calls. The door opens. "I should really learn to lock that," Louis frowns as Alberto walks in with two grocery bags.

"I have a key, moron." Alberto flashes his keycard at Louis and sets the bags on the bed. "But, yeah, you should."

"Watch your tone or I'm gonna have to have you fired," Louis teases, stepping away from Liam and towards the bed.

Alberto just laughs in response, quite heartily. And mockingly. He offers a hand up in greeting to Liam as he heads out the door.

"Thank you!" Louis yells loudly anyways when Alberto leaves. Louis turns to Liam. "Hope you like cookies n' cream." He holds up two candy bars.

"Love," Liam replies, catching it when Louis throws one to him. He settles himself on the bed and Louis goes off to the kitchenette to make the popcorn.

"What're your friends' names?" Louis calls from around the corner. Liam tells him and spells them for him when prompted. When Louis comes back, Liam's got the movie queued up and the bag of sweets next to him. Two pieces of paper land in Liam's lap and he's barely picked them up before Louis rests his feet on his thighs. Louis wriggles around a bit, putting a pillow behind his back to be comfortable, and well. Liam is a little thrown. There's a perfectly good headboard right there for Louis to rest against, like Liam is doing, and yet. He's going to be really uncomfortable throughout the movie, just so he can rest his legs in Liam's lap. That's. Alright, then. Liam rests his hand on Louis' ankles.

Well first, he snaps a pic of the two autographs and sends them to Niall and Zayn (it may sort of purposefully show the mix of their limbs underneath the notes) just to shut them up before they even have a chance to whine. _might be home lateeeeeeee :)_ he adds, because he really doesn't think they're just going to watch one movie and leave it at that.

Before the opening credits even start he's got three sequential texts from Niall.

_yayyyy!!!_

_not abt u not coming home. abt the signature. tell him thx :D_

_although i'd be surprised if u even came home at all tonight ;)_

Liam tells him to shush and puts his phone on silent, tucked away in his pocket. Louis offers him some popcorn.

+

Louis spends the majority of the movie thinking of ways he could kiss Liam, but they all involve removing his legs from Liam's lap, and that's not going to happen. Liam's hands are warm. And Louis is surprisingly comfortable. His neck aches a little from having it turned to the TV, so he decided to just watch Liam watch; he's seen the movie enough, and this was a much better view.

Although, it was kind of challenging to stare at how Liam's jaw worked when he chewed and how his Adam's apple bobbed when he laughed or swallowed and how a dimple appeared in his cheek when he smiled, and _not_ lean over and kiss the shit out of him. It was easier to sit through all those vampire movies with Harry than this.

Soon they end up in shifted positions when they start watching the _Ocean's_ trilogy. Liam's slid further down on the bed and is eating M &M's off the makeshift bowl that is his chest, and Louis got up to pee so when he comes back, he decides to fit himself right under Liam's arm. Liam freezes for a second before relaxing into it, his arm fully weighted around Louis' shoulders. Louis takes that as a good sign. He presses his lips to Liam's bicep and then bites lightly at his shirtsleeve, because he can. Liam giggles and pokes at Louis' belly, which soon turns into tickling and Louis really can't have that. He grabs Liam's hand to stop him, and he really thinks Liam's just stopping because he wants to, because he is definitely stronger than Louis and there's no way he could've stopped Liam with an awkward one hand grip. But Liam lets his hand rest there on Louis' stomach, tangled with Louis' fingers, M&M's discarded on his torso. Louis thinks they're going to melt, and he doesn't want that to happen, so logically, he reaches over and eats the remaining few off of Liam. Liam doesn't seem to mind, so. Louis even offers him a few, shoving them in his mouth without warning, and Liam bites at his finger. A shudder may or may not ripple through Louis, but that's beside the point. Something on screen has just blown up and warrants Louis' full attention.

Halfway through _Twelve_ Louis' mind starts to drift, and he is increasingly aware of the fact that Liam's neck is _right there_ , with a bruise forming from earlier, and his lips aren't on it. He shifts a little under Liam's arm, but Liam hasn't taken his eyes off the screen for a good thirty minutes.  Then Julia Roberts begins to impersonate herself, and Louis just can’t wait any longer. He leans up and presses his nose at the place where Liam's jaw meets his ear lobe, just for a split second before he ghosts over the skin with his lips. Liam shivers but tries to keep it hidden, and Louis smiles against his neck.  Sucking at his skin, right above the last mark, Louis curls into Liam's side so he has a better angle, and Liam tilts his neck up. Liam's fingers are twirling around at the hem of Louis' shirt as he works, grazing along Louis' waist every now and then. Something stirs in Louis' dick, and he presses it up against Liam's leg, just to make sure they're on the same page. Liam's breath catches and he turns into Louis, fitting his mouth with his.

And then, Louis is straddling Liam's hips and running his hands through his hair and sucking on his tongue like nothing else matters. Which, it doesn't, according to Louis anyway.  Liam's hands are gripping Louis' waist, pushing him down so the zippers on their jeans are rubbing together and Louis is moaning into his mouth.

He's so, so glad he's sober.

And he does actually get his wish of Liam fucking him into the mattress. There's a lot of progress today.

Afterwards, when he's star-fished over Liam's body and on the verge of slipping into a coma, Liam's hand is running through his hair and he feels a start of something in his chest. It's timid, but explosive, and Louis has no idea what it is, what it means. Honestly, he thinks he knows exactly what it means, but he doesn't have the energy to debate with himself about it. He chooses to ignore it so he can focus better on Liam's heartbeat under his ear and the smell of his cologne that's faded away a little under all the sex sweat.

The third _Ocean's_ movie is playing softly in the background, and Louis is kind of paying attention, kind of floating away on a daze of stars. He snuggles closer to Liam and Liam's arm tightens around his waist. A kiss to his forehead. Louis hums and Liam slumps farther into the bed. His phone buzzes under the pile of covers and pillows, and he reaches around for it as best as he can without disturbing Liam. It's a text from his mom, wishing him a goodnight. He feels a twist in his gut; he really needs to call her back. But he's just been so _busy_.  He'll call her tomorrow definitely. There's also a text from Harry, _hope u locked the door, feel sorry if alberto goes in there and has to see what we're all hearing!! ;) use protection x_

He hates Harry. He tells him as much and then replies to his mom, throwing his phone back into the mess on the bed. Liam's dozed off, and his arm around Louis has fallen slack. Louis smiles then yawns, grabbing for the duvet to pull it up farther over their bodies – he doesn't want Liam to get cold, and he's already naked, so. He leans up and kisses Liam's cheek quick, settling back into his side, focusing a quarter of his attention on the movie.

When he wakes up, Liam's chest is rising and falling in a steady rhythm still, and the sun is shining in through the shades, casting him in a warm glow. Louis' heart wrenches and he rubs the sleep from his eyes. It is too early for this.

It's also too early for Harry to be pounding on his door and yelling his name, but he figures Harry isn't concerned with the time of day.

"I'm only knocking to give you a chance to put some clothes on! And to protect my corneas!"

Louis grumbles, "Very funny, Haz," and slides himself from under the covers. He considers answering the door just like this, naked and frankly, a little sticky, but decides against it. He's not really in the mood for messing with Harry anyhow, maybe later today, though.  Throwing clothes out of his suitcase, he finds some boxers that are probably clean and slips some sweatpants on over them.  "What?" he asks when he opens the door.

Harry just marches in and Louis realizes he kind of forgot to check if the covers were completely hiding all of the naked man under the sheets. Thankfully, they are. Harry's peering out the window through the curtains, and that's not good. Louis knows what that means. "Guess which lovely tabloid scandal it is this time?" Harry sneers, flopping in the chair by the window.

"'Louis Tomlinson Has Been Spotted With Chocolate Cake: Is He Throwing Away His _Manhattan_ Role For His Love Of Calories?'" Louis tries, sitting carefully on the corner of the bed. Liam stirs a little.

Harry shoots him a look, then sighs. "Someone has come forward saying that you are the one and only father of their child."

"I knew the condom was too old! I told her but she just wouldn't listen." Louis shakes his head, snapping his fingers.

Now, Harry glares. "Lou, this is bad."

"How is it bad? No one believes any shit anyone tells – especially none as loaded as that," Louis scoffs.

"I _know_. But the paps don't fucking care. They're piled out there like the new iPad is coming out, fuck. And some of them were there yesterday; already have some pictures of Liam." Harry glances over to him as he turns in the bed. Louis' stomach drops. "They're watching you like a hawk right now, have already tried to get up here. He can't leave today. Not even out the back, it's too risky."

"Well, fuck, then." Louis flops back on the bed. He knew it would be tricky, but he didn't think it would blow up so _soon_. Jesus. And even though it's not technically about Liam, it's just. Fuck. He thought he would have at least a week or two of actual _privacy_ – that was wishful thinking, he knows, but it was a nice thought. Now – He groans. He hopes this doesn't scare Liam off. But this is really only a taste of his life.

Speaking of Liam, his eyes flutter open and his hand reaches out to rub Louis' shoulder. "Morning," he says, groggy.  "You alright?" He's frowning, and Louis guesses he should probably not look so disgruntled right now; everything's still good in Liam's world.

He props himself up on his elbow. "Yeah." Leaning in, he presses a soft kiss to Liam's nose. Liam tries for more but Louis stops him, thumbing along his cheek. "Harry's here."

Liam startles, cheeks getting a little red. He cranes his neck and sees Harry behind him. Harry's got his chin propped in his hand and he offers Liam a bright smile and a finger wave. "Oh," Liam sort of chokes and turns back into Louis, trying to hide his face.

Louis laughs and tips up his chin. "You're adorable, you know." He kisses him for real this time, because, well. He feels no reason not to.

Harry makes a gagging noise behind them. "Alright. I'm leaving. Just," he stands and Louis looks up, as he makes some type of waving gesture, "you know." He gives him a knowing look and then is out the door with a flourish.

"What was that about?" Liam asks, circling Louis' palm with his index finger.

Well, he can't exactly not tell him. Even if he manages to get him to stay in here all day, he's going to find out somehow. And he doesn't really think starting out a relationship hiding things from Liam is the way to go. So, "There's a bunch of paps outside. Someone's claiming they're having my baby – which is about the fourth time this has happened – but I guess someone decided to snap pictures of everyone who's walked in and out of the hotel, so they have a few of you." Liam's eyes widen. "But it's fine, really. You just, can't leave. Sorry." And doesn't Louis just feel awful.

"Oh." Liam looks down and clears his throat. "Well –"

"I'm really sorry," Louis blurts. "I was trying my best to keep it all under control and you away from all that but it already went to shit, and I – well, I understand if it's too much for you. I totally get it. You don't have –"

Liam places his lips over Louis', soft, and sucks on his bottom lip a tad when he pulls away. "You babble when you're nervous," Liam repeats from earlier, a twinkle in his eye Louis wants to see far too much.

"Shut up." Louis pokes at his shoulder. "But, really. Even though it’s not really about you, it's really only a glimpse into how much exposure comes with this life, and how much I have to hide. I just." Louis stops, sighing.

"It's fine," Liam is telling him, and he is amazing. His hand goes back to playing with Louis' fingers. "I told you, I wanna give it a shot. I'm willing if you are." His eyes are darting around and nervous, but his voice is sincere, and Louis is realizing he's just as terrified and new to this as he is.

He kisses him and smiles when he pulls away. "Tell you what, ask me anything you want to know – about anything, my movies, or my life, or I don't know, but we've got all day, so," Louis shrugs, biting the inside of his cheek. First step to making this whole situation comfortable, is for that barrier to be broken. That line that keeps Louis on the side of rich and famous, away from the side of regular guys who grew up in small towns. He's most definitely more of the latter, at least in his opinion, but the media don't really give a shit about his past or who he is, only who he's with and where they are and what he's wearing and how much money he's making. But it's fine, he quite likes keeping himself from them, it's always a good surprise when he shows them just what he's made of. It's all bittersweet.

Liam looks wary, but pleased. "Okay, um." He pulls out his phone, cheeks tinted a bit. "Let me just tell my roommates I won't be home."

Louis nods and waits. Although, he'd be lying if he said he exercised complete self control, seeing as he attached his lips to Liam's neck as he typed away. Liam's fingers fumbled over the keyboard and Louis bit down on his collarbone. "Hey, you have a birthmark there," Louis announces like Liam didn't already know.

"What? Oh, yeah." Liam's a little flustered, tossing his phone on the nightstand. "Okay, so –"

Louis leans forward and licks straight across his birthmark, and Liam squeaks. He shouldn't find so much pleasure from that, but. He's only human. He grins and slides off the bed. "Have to pee, give me a sec." He leaves Liam a nodding mess on the bed.

To his dismay, when he returns, Liam has decided to put his clothes back on. He's also made up the bed, somewhat. He's fluffing a pillow in his T-shirt and boxers when he realizes Louis is looking at him. "Do you – you can't – that shirt's dirty, let me get you a clean one," Louis says, going over to his suitcase to fumble for clothes. Mostly, it's just to hide his face from Liam's dumb smile and stupidly huge arms, but no one ever has to know. He pulls out a simple black shirt that'll probably fit him, he thinks it's Harry's anyways. He goes to toss it at Liam, but his shirt is off, and he may or may not lose his balance. Liam is grinning at him and that's – that's just _not fair_. Louis clears his throat and throws the shirt at Liam's face, with perfect aim.

"Thanks," Liam says from behind him, as he rifles for a shirt of his own. He grabs some shorts for Liam as well, because there's absolutely no way he would fit in a pair of Louis' sweatpants.

"So," Louis spreads his arms wide and jumps on the bed. Liam actually pouts at the covers being crumpled, but Louis thinks he's hiding it well. "Ask away."  Liam bites his lip as he pulls the shorts on, then hops on the bed. A little more gingerly than Louis did, but still.

And they talk for hours.

Louis tells Liam all about his family, growing up with his mom and four sisters, and two new siblings now. He tells him about school and Harry and Stan and being in every play he possibly could. He tells him about being an extra for the better part of the beginning of his acting career, trying to make it through college but not feeling it was doing him any good. How Harry had helped him through audition after audition until he finally landed a small role in a Tim Burton film. Harry worked hard for Louis, especially as a 23 year old fresh out of college. Eventually, directors started taking note of him, and Harry's persistence did help him stay on track, and he got a pretty hefty sum of money for the _Attila_ trilogy, which Louis still doesn't understand how that worked out so well; a comedic tale of any adventure gone awry in the Himalayas should not have received the amount of positive feedback it did, but. He also obtained a ton of credibility for that, so he started getting calls left and right, enough scripts to fill up his childhood home. He and Harry had moved into a villa in San Diego to get themselves sorted out, and well, to match their new salaries. It's a favorite place of Louis', that he hasn't seen in a while what with all the press tours and filming he's been doing. He's lucky if he'll get to spend a night by the end of the summer. And he'll probably have it to himself, seeing as Harry finds ways to magically spend every night in a different place with a different friend or client. He likes L.A., but hasn’t been able to settle on a house quite yet, which he's probably trying to do now that they're living in this hotel for the next month. He's got a place in New York as well, which Louis probably uses more than he does, but it's fine; it's mostly just used as office space for Harry, but seeing as Louis' his number one priority he doesn't spend much time with it.

He's about to tell Liam all about how _Round Trip_ started and now all the projects he's got as prospects in addition to _Manhattan Streets_ and _Guess Again_ – all ready to launch into a spiel about his versatility as an actor and how it's the best thing for him, in both his and Harry's opinion, but Liam asks him about coming out to his parents, and oh. Okay, then. He skips over the bits involving his dad and just jumps right into it, leaning on one elbow facing Liam as Liam stares at him intently and runs his fingers along his. Liam's touch is really more comforting than it should be, for just a graze of skin, but Louis chooses not to think about that.

He starts off with the part about Harry almost killing himself in that fight with the tenth graders, and how he couldn't understand why they were so angry until he overheard Harry's sister on the phone to her friends talking about it, how they were 'homophobic assholes.' But, Louis wasn't out at that point, didn't even really think about himself being not straight. It never occurred to him, so for Gemma to say that – it got his mind whirling. He spent a lot of days thinking about all the things he's done in his life, and at what point he just wasn't straight anymore, or possibly. It took him a while to realize that he never actually was; he just didn't think he could be anything but. He never really _liked_ any girls, he asked them to dances and cheesy group things like that, but he just thought that the lack of feeling he had was how it was supposed to be until he found love. But then he realized he had spent an awful lot of time staring after the baseball team, or fixating on male actors as opposed to someone like JLo all his friends would rag about. Or when someone snuck a dirty magazine into a sleepover when he was 12, he wasn't as excited as the other boys. Sure, he had kissed some girls before, but never anything special. Harry would tell him all about what happened behind the door at this party or that, and he would jeer with the rest of their friends, but. That was about it.

It wasn’t until he was sixteen that he got scared by it. Because he knew he _definitely_ was gay and he didn't know what to do about it. He tried to avoid it for a while, his lack of interest in the car wash hosted by the cheerleaders and his complete spike in interest in the one hosted by the football team. He tried not to think about the knot in his chest whenever he saw that new guy that moved to town and was in approximately all of his classes. He especially tried not to think about it when his mom would drop the comment here or there about him finding a nice _girl_ to settle down with and the wedding and _children_. He couldn't not think about it when he cried himself to sleep that night.

And then, Harry had announced that he didn't really know what he was, but that he liked what he liked and didn't care what anyone had to say, only a few tears falling from his eyes upon his confession. There was a big hole in Louis' chest and he didn't know what to do with it. He told Harry that was great and then slammed the door in his face and dry heaved over the toilet for the rest of the night. He didn't go to school the next day, or the day after that, and then his mom was offering her unconditional love and support because she just wanted to know _what was wrong_ and he couldn't take it anymore. He yelled and sobbed and crumpled into a ball when he told her, and she put her arms around him, kissed his forehead, and told him he was being ridiculous for being so worked up over nothing, because she sure as hell wouldn't love him any less and there was definitely _nothing wrong with being who you are_ , no matter what anyone else had to say. She promised to kick the ass of whoever tried to bother him about it, and kissed his forehead again, and he laughed into her shoulder. And he believed her. And nothing changed.

Then Harry had come over that weekend, angry as hell, because Louis did kind of make it seem like he couldn't stand to be around him now that he knew. But he took one look at Louis all sorrowful and _exhausted_ in his bed, and his anger dissolved. Louis told him, and Harry squeezed the life out of him, ' _oh, Lou_ ,' and then they talked for quite some time about it all. Everything. And Louis felt indescribably better about it. He still wasn't ready to be completely out, and that was fine. But Harry had already made his preferences quite clear when he kissed that new guy at a party the night before. In college, Louis wasn't exactly out, but he wasn't lying about it. If someone had asked him he would've given them the truth. And he dated a few guys, nothing too serious, and they're all sworn to secrecy at the moment, until Louis decides to come out to the world. They all understand.  So now, he does what he can to keep that part of himself private, not because about how people would react, he doesn’t give a shit about that. It's – if it hurts his job, he doesn't want that. Part of him thinks it's mostly for Harry's sake, and his team, because they would be out of a job if he was, and he doesn’t want that, not after all they’ve done for him. Harry would probably be okay, but Louis knows Harry would drop everything to stick by him if it blew up in their faces, and he doesn't want Harry to throw away all his hard work just for him. But he supposes it's coward like, to say he doesn’t care but go through all this trouble to hide it, because if it did hurt his job, he still wouldn't care what people thought of him, he'd just be angry that he's getting tossed aside because of this. He's not quite decided, yet. Liam tells him that's okay.

"No one should come out before they're ready. And you shouldn't feel like you have to to prove a point. You come out when you want to, and take all that comes with it, when you want to. It's not being a coward. It's you living your life the way you want to. And, it's none of their business what you are, so it’s not your responsibility to tell them everything about you. You're human, you know, you're allowed to have parts of yourself just for you." Liam's tangled their fingers together tight, and is looking Louis in the eye like his life depends on it. It's a fierce stare he's seeing in those brown eyes, and Louis trusts them.

"You're sort of amazing, you know that?" Louis smiles and Liam blushes. He leans forward and kisses him. It warms something in Louis' belly when Liam tugs on the hair at the base of his neck, tongue slipping in. Louis sucks on it and slots their legs together, rolling so Liam is basically on top of him. Their lips are slotted together pretty perfectly, and Louis grinds his hips up into Liam's. Liam rolls his waist and his dick brushes against Louis' through their pants. Louis reaches to cup his hand around Liam's cock pressing against his zipper, when there's a knock on the door. Louis groans and Liam slides off of him. "What?" he spits at the door.

"Call. Your. Mom." That's Harry's voice on the other side, trying to be as stern as possible.

Louis panics, sitting up. That topic has been coming up more than usual in just these few days. "Is something wrong? Is she okay? Are the girls –"

"They're fine," Harry cuts off, voice softer. Then loud and hard again, "I don’t care what you two are doing in there but take a fucking break and call her. I should not have as many messages as I do from someone who is not my own mother. She thinks you're passed out drunk somewhere."

Liam giggles a little beside him and Louis grumbles. Honestly, he is 28 years old, he is _allowed_ to be passed out drunk somewhere if he pleases. And he texted her last night, so. "Alright, I'll call her now."

"You'd better." And then Harry's gone, the thump of his boots receding.

Then Liam starts laughing into his shoulder. "Mommy's boy."

Louis pushes him off. "Damn right I am," he says, pointing a finger at Liam, and Liam just laughs some more. And Louis can't very well _not_ smile at that sound, so he turns away and reaches for his phone.

"I'm gonna take a shower, then," Liam says, getting up, and Louis grabs his wrist. He yanks him back down into a kiss.

Then, against his lips, "There's really no point in cleaning up just to get all sweaty again later." Liam consequently chokes. "I'm just joking," Louis laughs, kissing his nose. "Or maybe not." He wiggles his eyebrows and the cute confused look on Liam's face reminds him to tease him more often. Liam decides on rolling his eyes and heading to the bathroom. "You can use whatever shit of mine you need," he offers as Liam's closing the door.

Then he dials his mom's number.

+

Liam feels really good.

He hums to himself happily when he steps into the shower, which soon escalates into him belting out the lyrics to _What's My Name_ , rap verses and all. Louis uses the same shower gel as Niall, which he'll be happy to hear. And probably never switch from. Liam does his best to scrub himself down and take as long as possible so Louis has enough time on the phone with his mom. There wasn’t much he could do to give them space, seeing as they're stuck in a hotel room, a rather large one, though.

Liam tries to imagine living this life: posh hotels, a whole team of people working for his well being, affording things Liam could only dream of like it was just worth a penny, living his dream and being known for his talents, meeting other people just like him and working with some of the most renowned people in the industry, being away from home, always looking out for paparazzi, getting mobbed. He hesitates to think of a life where he could ever possibly get mobbed for his music. He just can't wrap his head around it. If the opportunity for this life presented itself, he supposes he could adjust to it, but – it’s just so _weird_. It's a lot for his mind to process.

He really liked listening to Louis talk. He liked sharing with him bits of his life as well. He just liked lying there, holding a conversation, and being able to see this Louis he's dreamt about meeting. He never thought he'd get to be with him like this, though, but he's definitely not complaining. He's just gonna take it one day at a time, see where it goes. Part of him thinks it could be really great, but part of him also thinks it could go really bad, but he's going to ignore that part for now. That's the Zayn in him talking.

God, he doesn't want to go back to his apartment. Having to deal with Niall and Zayn all in his face after this will just be, well he'd rather stay here. He loves them but they can be so intrusive sometimes. Usually Zayn balances Niall out; he's the quiet Liam needs, but this will warrant both of them being… _loud_. And being here with Louis is, calm. Simple. Of course, his heart is beating like crazy and he's nervous as shit, but it's oddly peaceful. And easy. Which is something he never thought would happen. It's hard for him to adjust to all of this when it just feels so natural. Like, he didn't feel out of his element until he heard about the paparazzi, but he fell right back into it listening to Louis talk. It's – well, Louis is a person, like he said, so he's treating this as if it's any other relationship. Which – fuck, is he his boyfriend? That's a little forward, seeing as they haven't actually had a date, have only hooked up twice (or three times, depending on how you look at it), but. Louis said he wanted to make this work, which implies something more. It'll probably just be better for Liam not to bring it up. Ever. Unless Louis says something.

He steps out of the shower, wrapping a towel around his waist. It’s possibly the fuzziest towel Liam's ever used. He debates keeping it. Pressing his ear to the door, he can hear Louis getting off the phone with his mom. He dries off and puts back on the clothes Louis gave him to wear before walking back out to the room.

Louis' scratching his stomach, lying flat on his back. He shoots up when he hears Liam come out. "So, you like Rihanna?" He's grinning when he speaks. Liam shrugs, trying not to blush. He hadn't really meant for Louis to hear that. Louis reaches for him and he crosses the rest of the way to the bed. He's pulled in between Louis' legs and Louis is playing with back of Liam's shirt. "You sounded really good."

"I – thanks. I sing. I mean, I do gigs and stuff." Now Liam is blushing, sharing his mediocre singing feats with a Hollywood actor.

Louis gasps. "Do you mean to tell me I'm dating a budding music sensation? I must have your autograph now; it'll be worth four times as much when I sell it on eBay when you win a Grammy."

Liam starts at the word _dating_ , but pushes it aside to laugh. "Well, it's not really like you need the extra money," he points out, gesturing grandly to the hotel room. Louis retaliates by squeezing his back and pulling him down on top of him as they flop on the bed. Liam props himself up with one hand so as not to squish him. "Besides, I'm never going to win a Grammy, anyways."

"Liam!" Louis sounds outraged until he pauses, "Wait, what's your last name?"

"Um, Payne," Liam answers, at a loss.

"Liam Payne!" Louis yells, reprimanding, pushing him off and flipping them over. Oh. Louis points a finger at him. "Don't let me hear those words ever again. Do you think I made it this far by saying 'I'm never going to win an Oscar?' No."

"But, you haven’t, though," Liam tentatively points out and he fears he's made a mistake given the look on Louis' face, but then Louis tweaks his nipple and bites his earlobe. Okay, honestly…what?

"Ha, ha, Liam's got jokes," Louis deadpans. "While I must thank you for pointing _that_ out, it doesn’t disprove my point. You've gotta work hard and believe in yourself, Liam."

"Well," Liam starts. "All this hard work has gotten me nowhere. I can barely pay the rent," he pouts.

"Did you not listen to a word of my story?" Louis whines, squeezing Liam's thighs with his knees. "I didn't become famous overnight."

"I _know_ , but –"

"No buts, promise me you'll keep at it and won't give up," Louis says sternly. Liam is so fucking lost.

Eventually, he sighs. "Fine, I promise." Louis smiles proudly above him and it's silent for an awkward moment, just staring at each other. "I thought your eyes were blue, but they're kind of green, too."

The corner of Louis' mouth turns up. "Yeah, they're like that. One of my many secrets," he teases, removing himself from Liam, and giggles. Liam's not sure what's so funny but he laughs, too. Then, "I'm not entirely sure you noticed, and I really don’t know why I'm pointing it out, but I used the word 'dating' earlier –" Liam nods, he'd noticed. "Right," Louis starts again. "Well, I also used that word when I was talking to my mom – it just slipped out, but – I mean, is that alright? If, you know – I know it’s only, like, the third day we've spent together, but –"

"You talked to your mom about me?" Liam asks, because that's all he grasped from his rambling.

"What? Oh, yeah. Um, she was wondering why I wasn't calling her back, so I… sorta blamed it on you," he chuckles and Liam smacks his arm lightly.

"Well, that's fine. Yeah," Liam agrees, a hand on Louis' shoulder, circling his thumb over the muscles in the back. "Just no one will know," he laughs. Louis nods kind of somberly. Liam squeezes his shoulder and pulls him in for a kiss.

After that, they order room service for lunch, and waste the day away playing Fifa. Louis claims he let Liam win when he toasts him 5-2, and Liam lets him rant about it and wrestle him to the floor if it makes him feel good. And he can't say he entirely minds it.

 Liam wraps a hand around each of his wrists, tossing the controller to the side. Louis kisses him into the carpet, Liam's back rubbing a little painfully where his shirt is riding up, but he ignores it for favor of pressing his palms at the small of Louis' back, bodies as close as can be. He sucks at Louis' bottom lip and Louis moans, grinding down farther. His dick aches against his zipper, jerking a bit when Louis' grazes against it. He moves to undo Louis' zipper, but Louis shakes his head and grabs his wrist, moving it back to his back. He presses his cock harder against Liam's thigh and rocks his hips, and okay, Liam can do that. His hips jerk up against Louis and he moans, biting onto Liam's lip. He tangles his legs with Louis', keeping them tight together, angling himself up enough to press his dick into Louis' thighs.

Soon, Louis begins to shake above him, breath staggering. His head falls into the crook of Liam's shoulder, and Liam sucks at the skin below his earlobe. Louis rolls his hips against Liam's thigh, and Liam's not exactly sure why this is happening, but he's not complaining. His hand spans over the dip in Louis' back perfectly, and his fingers dig into his shoulder when Louis bites at the vein in his neck. Louis is panting above him, legs jerking and hips rutting. His rhythm becomes sloppy, and his breath fans out hot over Liam's ears, and Liam shouldn't let that make his hips cut up, but it does. And he guesses that's enough for Louis, because he moans long, body going rigid before he collapses on top of Liam. His lips part over Liam's neck, breathing heavily.

Liam wriggles underneath him, dick still painfully hard. Louis kisses lazily up his jaw and then licks his way into his mouth. Liam stutters, and Louis slips his hand in between them and into Liam's jeans. Only his fingers graze Liam's cock and Liam helplessly bucks up into his hand. Louis runs the bottom of his palm over the base of Liam's cock, fingers tickling at his balls. Liam's breath hitches around Louis' tongue, and Louis cups his hand around him. It doesn't take much, and Liam's coming with shaking legs and a heaving chest. Louis smiles against his mouth and nips at his bottom lip; Liam slides his hands in between Louis' pants and boxers, squeezing his butt.

"Well, I feel about sixteen again," Liam laughs into Louis' chin after taking a while to catch his breath.

Louis nuzzles his nose into Liam's jaw and slides off of him, keeping a leg draped over him still. "That was fun." He kisses his earlobe. "I'm just glad Harry didn't walk in."

"Yeah," Liam chuckles, wrapping an arm around Louis' shoulders.

Then, there's a knock on the door.

"Spoke too soon," Louis laughs, pulling away from Liam. He's flat on his back on the floor when he yells, "Come in!"

Harry saunters in and barely reacts to them lying on the floor. Liam knows Louis looks out of it, he wonders what he looks like. Given Harry's head shake and smirk, he suspects they've given it away. But Harry just sits on the bed. "Paps are gone. Apparently that girl was lying and you _aren't_ the father of her baby."

"Shocker," Louis stage whispers, pounding the floor dramatically with his fist.

"Who would've thought?" Harry plays back, grinning. Liam doesn’t think it was that funny. "But Liam, you can leave now. Probably be safest to leave out the back."

And, oh. He hadn't really wanted to leave just yet.

It seems Louis feels the same – and Liam really doesn’t know how to process _that_ – because he grabs Liam's forearm. "Stay for a little longer?" He sits up on his elbow and faces Liam, circling his elbow with his thumb.

Liam turns his back to Harry and mimics Louis' position. "I can't stay too long, I've got a gig in the morning." He places a hand over Louis', frowning. He wishes he didn't. It's separate from the Lucky Cricket, obviously since they fired him. But he set this up a while ago.

Louis pouts, probably trying to guilt Liam into staying, which, really flatters him beyond belief. But, he can't. And he promised Niall could play guitar for him, so he really can't back out. He tries to communicate this to Louis through eye contact, and he's not entirely sure he's got the message across, but Louis relents anyways. "Fine. Have a van ready in two hours, then," he says to Harry.

"Alright," Harry says and then gets off the bed and walks away. All he seems to do is walk in, sit, say things, and leave – or at least when Liam's around.

"Sorry," he says to Louis, because he is.

Louis shrugs. "'S okay, can't have expected to keep you locked in here forever."

"Believe me, I would've liked to," Liam tells him, flopping onto his back and running his hands over his face. Louis pulls them back and then he's above him again, leaning down to kiss his nose. "I should go clean up; don’t wanna go home all sticky," he says, gesturing to his now soiled pants. Which aren't even his.

Louis nods, kisses his cheek, and climbs off of him. "I'll get you a new pair of pants. You're stuck with those boxers, though. Laundry day's not until tomorrow."

"'S fine," Liam says and disappears into the bathroom. He wets a washcloth and does his best to remove the stain from his underwear, and Louis' pants. This is about the fourth or fifth time Louis Tomlinson has made him come, and, well, he never saw that happening. But he's enjoying it. Not just the sex part, which is great, but the being with Louis part. He wonders if Louis wasn’t who he was, and he still hooked up with Liam in that club, would it be different? Definitely wouldn't have to worry about paps, Liam thinks, but besides that, no. He doesn’t think it'd be all that much different. Which is what makes this so easy.

It feels like time moves entirely too fast as soon as he steps foot out of the bathroom. Louis treats him to another order of room service, which Liam still feels obligated to reimburse him for. But Louis kindly reminds him that he just pointed out he can barely pay the rent. Okay, fair point. But _still_.

"Don't worry about that kind of stuff," Louis waves the offer off when Liam frets about it too much. "Not with me. I'll gladly pay for all of that, really, it's no problem at all. Think of it as a gift, if you must." He's sliding his hands across Liam's torso and over his shoulders, down his back to rest at the curve of his waist. Liam swallows. Louis' doing it on purpose, he knows. What a bastard. (Liam never thought he'd be referring to Louis Tomlinson as a bastard, either, but. In the best way of course.)

"Well," Liam begins, running his hands down Louis' arms," as long as you're buying, I'm in need of a car, and a trip to Europe, and a new apartment, and my college loans just won't go away. Oh, and –"

He knows he deserves Louis showing him onto the bed and hitting him with a pillow. He's not entirely convinced he deserves the episode of kisses that follow, though. And he knows he definitely doesn't deserve the cruel tick of the clock that makes this moment with Louis feel about ten seconds long until Harry's knocking again.

The van ride takes about twenty minutes, and Louis keeps a hand on him the whole time. Liam doesn’t want to go, but he has a very unglamorous life of his own that he has to live. And Louis tells him he can come over again when the weekend hits. Liam pouts at that. It's _Tuesday_. Louis runs his thumb over his bottom lip and Liam realizes he's been very bad at this dating game – he should be coy, or hard to get, but. Well, it’s a bit difficult to deploy tactics when a movie star pretty much made it clear it was somewhat of a relationship already. And that really flusters Liam more than he's able to think about flirting.

The van stops and Louis pulls him in for a kiss. "Had a lot of fun," he whispers, biting at the inside of Liam's lip.

"So did I," Liam says, pressing their lips closed together one more time.

Harry is yelling at them about being gross and Louis flicks him off before tugging at Liam's birthmark with his teeth. "Bye."

"Bye," Liam repeats, kind of dazed when he opens the van door.

And then he's in the doorway of his apartment, and he's sure he'd just dreamt the last few days. But he slides his jacket off and he hears the crumple of paper – Louis' autographs – and he bites his lip. It was very real.

Niall and Zayn come bounding over, then fuss over Liam. There's lots of yelling and touching and Liam feels strangely at home about it. For all that they are, which is loud, these are two of his favorite people on the planet, giving him a place to return to always. Comfortably. They can irritate him, but he loves them.

"Holy shit, Liam! _Your neck_!" Niall is grabbing at his shoulders and examining what he guesses are about 60 different hickeys. "You dirty, busy boy." Niall tuts and Zayn just shakes his head in disbelief. But it's fond, too. Liam never understands Zayn's looks, which he doesn’t think is fair because Zayn always understands his before he's even known he's made them.

"Seems like you had a fun two days in a paradise," Zayn is teasing. He's not wrong, though.

Niall's looking at Liam expectantly, and he doesn’t want to give into it, wants to shut himself in his room and makes this week speed by twice as fast as today did so he can see him again. But he can't help it. "Oh, my God, you guys." He holds his head in his hands and falls on the couch. Niall and Zayn quickly follow. "How did – I mean – _what the fuck_? And I – he was – it – holy shit. It was so great. Like, he's so interesting. And he really is _that_ funny. And so nice. And gorgeous. And he confuses the shit out of me – this whole situation does, really. But, why did – why me? He's not even out and all this managed to happen. I just –" His voice chokes off with a grin. He'd been thinking all this while it was happening, but now he's actually _saying_ it. Sharing it with two actual people. He probably looks crazy, smiling wide like this, but he doesn’t care, he could do it all day, honestly.  Because, holy _fuck_ , he's so lucky.

"That's so great, bro," Zayn says, clapping him on the shoulder. "I'm happy for you." Liam beams at him. Zany tackles him in a hug, and Niall jumps on top of them, yelling nonsense and laughing hysterically like he does. And then:

"Jesus, you smell like sex."

Liam shoves them away, pink in the cheeks. He remembers he didn’t exactly shower after that last time, just cleaned his boxers. Oh God, he was still in Louis' clothes, and he left his in his room.

"And you're in his clothes!" Niall points out, tugging at the black T-shirt and gray basketball shorts. "Did you two ever wear clothes? Or just stayed around naked the whole time because it was more convenient?"

Liam smacks him away. "No! He gave me these this morning." Niall's nudging at him with an expression of basically just his eyebrows. "Niall, I am not going to give you the details of my sex life!" he yells. Niall laughs; it is not funny. Zayn's shaking his head at the two of them.

"So what else happened?" he asks, pushing a snickering Niall off his shoulder.

"Well," Liam sighs, reminiscing. "We watched a bunch of movies, and talked. Like, a lot. And it wasn’t nearly as scary as I thought it'd be, Zee. He's just… Louis. And I like him a lot." Zayn smiles soft at him, rubbing a thumb over his shoulder. "Oh God. You guys have to promise not to tell anyone he's gay. He doesn’t – he's not ready for people to know. And telling _anybody_ could blow it all up and –"

"Liam, calm down. We won't say anything," Niall assures him.

"Yeah, but you blab when you're drunk," Liam says pointedly.

"Relax." Niall grabs his face and squishes his cheeks together. "I won't do anything to jeopardize your secret relationship with a closeted movie star."

Liam pulls his hands away. "It's not even that. It's just. He's not ready. And he doesn't have to be. It should be all his choice and up to him when he decides to do it, is all."

They both nod fervently with soft eyes and Liam knows they get it. He told them all about how hard it was for him – he had tried for a kiss because he thought he had finally found someone like him, and who liked him. He was sitting with Tony studying, after weeks of feeling something burning in his heart and thinking something was buzzing between them. He pressed his lips to Tony's and his stomach swooped before his heart dropped. Tony went running, disgusted, telling everyone what Liam was. And he couldn't hide from it like he did with the punches in middle school. This followed him everywhere, everyone teased, everyone sneered when he passed them in the halls.

He didn’t even get to tell his own parents himself. A few months after it all turned to shit, he guesses there was just too much for the school to ignore – his dropping grades, miserable mood, the classroom dynamics shifting so their backs were turned away from him but their comments still floated over. The principal called after one particularly nasty session in the locker room – Liam heard the message later – 'We're sorry for all the trouble that Liam has gone through. Those responsible for the tormenting are being punished. Our counselors are here to help Liam in any way he needs. Please know that we do not condone any discrimination based on someone's sexuality,' and that was that. It was out. And he wasn’t ready.

His mom was crying when he walked in and his dad was just a closed-off wall, frowning in his chair, not meeting Liam's eyes. He was pulled into his mom's arms immediately and everything was so confusing and blurry and he felt so, so – defeated. He sobbed and sobbed, locked himself away in his room and desperately hoped it would all end. His sisters found their way in through his window like they used to when they would sneak in years before, and they held him and helped him breathe until the tears finally stopped flowing. He knew they didn’t care – wouldn't treat him any different now that they knew. And he was pretty sure his parents would be the same (he learned it took some getting used to, more so for his dad) but he wasn't worried about that. He hated it all. He hated school. He hated everyone knowing this part of himself that he had just come to terms with. He hated himself for believing he was lucky enough to find someone so soon. He hated that he leaned in, that he kissed him. He hated Tony.

They couldn't switch him out of school, so he sang away the next three years of his life. Holed himself up in his room with his guitar and his journal and his voice – belting out notes and coming up with lyrics that meant everything to him. It was how he got his dad back, too. They bonded again over this and he helped Liam get to where he is now in his singing career. He's so grateful for his music.

And then he met Zayn and Niall in college, some new light breaking through his dark shell around himself. They had been there for him before he realized he needed them. And they were the first people he actually got to tell himself – because he wanted to. And it was all okay.

He takes in his friends now, years later, and hugs them. Look how far they've come from that first disastrous day of college they realized they'd be in a triple – to now. Brothers living in each other's pockets, basically. And Liam knows that none of them would have it any other way. He tightens his grip around them – they are the ones that made him go to that club, after all.

+

Louis is going to kill Harry.

That is, of course, if he gets the fucking time. He's been in a whirlwind for the past two weeks – meetings, interviews, the press tour, premieres, events; he can't even take a breath before he's being whisked away to the next thing. He lets Harry know his anger as often as he can, glaring at him in the stylist chair or in the car rides to and from places if he can muster up the energy not to take a power nap, or the will power not to text Liam.

On top of everything else, there's Liam: goofy and sweet and beautiful. And God, he's so _understanding_. He's not angry with Louis for always flaking because he's just _so busy_ , or having to accommodate with hotel visits and rushed escapades before Louis or he has to be on their way. It's so exhausting. All of it. Louis is trying really hard to keep them afloat but it's hard when he never sees the person – thanks to Harry, who apparently doesn’t know that his management of Louis' life includes time management, not back to back things he needs to be present for for days on end.

And. Louis has never done this before. Never actually dated someone while in this position. It's fucking hard. He's had a few flings sure, nights out and mornings in. But they were simple. Easy. No strings attached. No identities revealed. This is. This is different.

This is time and talking and seeing each other, none of which have been strong points recently. He'd managed to squeeze in a video call with Liam the other night, but he might've been falling asleep and Liam's roommates might've intervened once or twice. Louis' not too sure, he was a little exhausted. Liam texts him reminders to sleep or drink something with sugar, or eat a protein bar, which is – well it's just _sweet_. And Louis feels less than adequate when he opens those messages.

He's also learned that Liam, undoubtedly, is the worst speller in all of existence.

_dont furget 2 take a napppp wen ur in the carrrr :)))_

_you've got 2 stp lukin like death in interveiwssss. u looked redy to die on fallon - no1 can do tht 2 fallon!!!_

_had a lot of fun last niteeeee :) sry had 2 leve so soon :( niall's annnnoyinggg. thx 4 the belgien wafflesss thooooo :D_

Those were just a few of the gems that Liam has sent him in the last couple of weeks. Louis will never admit it to anyone, but he doesn’t necessarily hate it when Liam adds extra letters to everything. And he'll definitely deny that it makes something in his heart flutter and warm. Which it doesn't. Because that's stupid.

They've only been together barely four weeks, but honestly it feels like more. Everything around Louis is moving so fast and they talk _so much_ , Louis sometimes forgets Liam's not right there with him when he remembers something he said that made Louis laugh. Harry kind of hates how much time he spends looking at his phone when he's not on camera, but he doesn’t actually say it. His lips will be in a tight line but his eyes will be soft and open, and Louis really doesn’t understand how he does that. Harry's conversations with him now mostly include a sigh of, 'Lou…" and a shake of the head followed by a hand in Louis' hair or a kiss to his forehead. Harry really is his best friend.

His mom gets it, too. He hadn't really meant to share Liam with her that quickly, but she had asked, and he couldn't say no. And he doesn’t think he really wanted to. His sisters demanded a picture and Louis had to sneak one while he and Liam were watching Netflix; they told Louis he did a good job, and Louis shared this with Liam. Definitely not to see him blush and hide his head so Louis could pull his hands away and kiss his neck, ear, cheek, nose, and finally lips and tell him they're right. Definitely not.

It's been a challenge, but it's been good. It's working.

Until there's a bump in the road.

He knew it was coming. Knew he was only here for a month before going back to filming. But he was supposed to have most of next week off when the _Guess Again_ press tour finished. As soon as he saw Harry's face after returning from his phone call, Louis knew what it was. God fucking damn it. He was finally going to get to see Liam, finally be able to kiss his stupid face and touch his soft skin. And now. Louis may have tried to flip over a table until he realized he was just too goddamn tired. He's fucking had it.

So, he goes to sleep and goes through the last two days of promo without texting Liam back, which hurts, but he needs the motivation. And the absence. So when he finally sees him it'll be all that more fantastic.

And that's today.

He's dozing in the back of the van, having just done about twenty interviews.  His _last_ interviews for this movie. He was supposed to go to a final cast party, but he honestly can't be bothered. And he knows they're all as tired as him. And he'll see them again – as if four straight months of filming and then this press tour wasn’t enough face time with the cast.

The van stops and he opens his eyes. He just realizes it might be very awkward if Liam's not home, but he'll take his chances. Alberto walks him up, blocking him from acknowledgement in addition to his hood pulled up and sunglasses on. Then, of course, he has him find out which apartment Liam lives in, because he doesn’t actually know, and should’ve thought of that ahead of time. Alberto stands to the side and then Louis' knocking.

And waiting.

He knocks again and the door flies open. And there's Liam. Louis smiles. "Hi."

"Louis." Liam blinks at him, caught off guard. Then a smile creeps its way onto his face. "What are you doing here? How – Don't you have –"

Louis steps forward and kisses him. He couldn’t wait any longer and Liam talks too much. Plus, it's a fun way to shut him up. Liam pulls him in and kisses him back. He missed this. Louis waves Alberto away behind him and kicks the door shut with his foot and tugs on Liam's hair.

Then there's a clanging noise behind Liam. He jumps and pulls back. And there's one of his roommates, standing there with his mouth hanging open and a bowl on the floor, chips scattered around it.

Liam speaks. "Niall, this is Louis. Louis, this is Niall, one of my idiotic roommates."

Louis slides a hand around Liam's back, curling his fingers into his side. He's warm. Louis smiles at Niall. "Hi. Liam's told me lots about you. Nice to meet you."

Niall kind of just keeps staring at him, mouth opening and closing but no words coming out.

Liam sighs, exasperated. Then he strides over to him and blocks Louis from view. He's whispering things and Niall's eyes get their focus back and he nods shakily. Louis doesn't know what Liam said, but it works, apparently. 

"Good to meet you, too. Thanks for the autographs," Niall says, voice shaky, face as red as a tomato. 

"No problem," Louis replies with a little laugh as Niall bends down to clean up his mess. 

Liam turns back to face him. "Sorry 'bout that."

"It's fine," Louis assures. Liam is close to him now and he grabs him by his belt loops. Pressing his lips to his neck, he hears Liam exhale and Niall cough. He scurries away with his refilled bowl of chips. Liam turns his face in and meets Louis' lips with his own. "Hi, 's been a while," Louis notes when he pulls away.

Liam nods. "Yeah." And then he rubs a thumb along the inside of Louis' elbow. "Do you want something to eat? Drink?"

"Anything with caffeine," Louis tells him. Liam laughs and takes him into the kitchen, fingers twined. 

"Long day?" he asks. 

Louis sighs and leans on the counter, head in his hands. "Long week. But, today was the last day. I can finally nap." He stretches out over the counter like a cat. 

"That's good." Liam sounds like he means it. Of course he does, Louis thinks. He's just that _nice_. Liam hands him a soda and leans on the opposite side of the countertop. He's looking at Louis calm and soft. His eyes are _so_ brown, so deep. 

Louis bites his lip. "So," he starts. And he must give it away just from that because Liam's face falls. He opens with the good news. "Now that the press tour's done, we can stop rushing things. Which, yay." He grabs Liam's hand across the counter and Liam smiles, rubbing a thumb over his knuckles. "But, the thing is, they want me back early for filming, so I only have a couple of days left here." 

And, wow, can Liam pull off the puppy face. His bottom lip is jutted out and he just looks sad. Louis' heart twists and he tries to squeeze some assurance into his hand. "Oh. Well, I mean. That's -"

"I want you to come with me," Louis blurts. 

Liam's eyebrows shoot up. "I – what?"

"Well, not with me. But, like, come and visit me? Sometimes? I have about four months left of filming and – I'd fly you out, of course. And we can stay in Harry's apartment. It'd be much easier. And cozier. And –"

"I thought we discussed our babbling habits?" Liam claps a hand over his mouth to shut him up, a twinkle in his eye. He chuckles and plays with Louis' fingers. "Yeah, I could do that."

"You 'could do that?'" Louis repeats unimpressed, one eyebrow raised. 

Liam comes around the side of the counter and pulls Louis in, arms wrapped around the bottom of his back. "Yeah, I could see New York." Louis knows he's only messing with him but he doesn't have much time to think about it before Liam's kissing him, hands squeezing. "I'd love to visit you," he mumbles into his mouth. And that's that, really. Louis sucks at his tongue and grabs at his neck. Liam pushes him against the counter and leans over him. Louis' bent at a weird angle and he doesn't care, Liam's doing something wonderful with his tongue that is far too important. 

"Ahem." 

"Go away," Liam mutters loudly, their lips still attached.

"No, Liam, people _eat_ here for Christ's sake," someone replies and Louis really wishes he knew what was happening but his view is kind of limited at the moment. 

Then Liam is shoved away from him. "Zayn, what the hell?"

Oh. The other roommate.

"You can make out wherever the hell you want as long as it's not here or my room," Zayn crosses his arms over and stares hard at Liam. And then, "Actually, go make out Niall's room, it'll make him uncomfortable. Bet you twenty bucks he'll be more red than that blanket." He gestures to a deep red blanket on the couch and Louis considers that he'd probably win that bet, seeing how easily red Niall got earlier.

"You're horrible," Liam says, pushing Zayn a little. "Leave poor Niall alone." Then they have some kind of psychic conversation between their eyes and smiles and Louis is so lost. Liam looks at him. "Louis, this is my idiot of a best friend, Zayn, Zayn, this is Louis, my... you know," he trails off, his own face tinting.

"Boyfriend," Louis finishes, because well, he thought it was quite clear. And it's been about a month, so. And Liam's eyes widen in alarm before settling back down into a content smile. He traces his fingers along Louis' wrist. Louis smiles. 

Zayn seems more startled at the word than either of them. Or, maybe he's just realizing that that is actually Louis in front of him. He coughs nervously. "Um, wow. That's – great, yeah. Cool. I'm just." And then he breaks. "I'm sorry, this is so fucking weird. What the _hell_?" he squeaks. "Like, I've seen your movies – great job, by the way – and now you're here, infecting my kitchen and –"

"Infecting?" Louis interrupts, leaning into Liam.

Zayn realizes his mistake. "No, I just meant – um, you know, making out on the counter and, and.... Liam." He looks helplessly to his friend, who is trying to hide his laughter.

"I honestly don't even know how to help you, nor do I want to," Liam teases and Zayn punches him in the arm. Liam gets him in a headlock and gives him a noogie.

"Stop, stop! Okay, okay – _okay_." Zayn finds his way out of Liam's grasp and Louis is laughing. He likes it here, might have to come here more often. He gulps, remembering he won't actually be here, as in the west coast, for a long time. 

Zayn's grumbling under his breath and running hands through his hair and glaring at Liam. Louis decides to say something. "Hey, thanks man. For the, uh, compliment. On my movies." The time to acknowledge that has long passed, he just now realizes.

"Oh, yeah. No problem. Thanks for the autograph," Zayn says, flustered. "Uh," he clears his throat. "Okay, so I was just leaving, just wanted to mess with you a bit," he tells Liam. "So, see ya. Pleasure meeting you," he says to Louis and waves, heading out of the kitchen.

"Likewise," Louis says as Liam replies, "Have fun, Zee."

They get a peace sign in return and then Zayn is gone. 

Louis turns to Liam. "So, your friends are interesting."

"Oh, my God," Liam rubs a hand over his face. "They're so embarrassing, I'm sorry."

Louis grabs at his hands. "Are you kidding me? Have you _seen_ Harry? They were fine; I like them."

"Don't let them hear you say that or they might actually faint," Liam laughs. Then, after a beat, "Actually, no. Tell 'em. Could finally get some quiet around here." 

"Ha-ha." Louis bumps him with his waist and Liam claps his hand around him. "So, tell me how you met them." He does want to know, and he feels he talked so much about himself before he didn't really learn much about Liam. And he finds himself struck with the need to know absolutely everything. 

Liam tells him all about them. About meeting them and going through college together, coming out to them. Spinning off into how he first came out, too, Louis feels his heart crack. It was even worse for Liam than it was for him, and Louis feels so sad for him. He can't imagine all the ridicule and pain he went through, and not even from himself because he was okay with who he was but other people weren't. For Louis, it was him who couldn't handle it, but when he embraced it no one cared, no one was mean – well, there were a few comments, there always are, but nothing like what Liam went through. Louis feels a surge of protection flow through him, and he wraps a hand around Liam's ankle in his lap when he tells Louis his story.

He tells Louis about his singing and his writing, and Louis feels strangely proud. He's glad Liam has something like this, for Louis it was acting; he's glad Liam stuck with it for so long, not giving up. He knows he made him promise the other week to not throw it all away, but from the way Liam talks about his songs, Louis knows he didn't need to worry. And he has full confidence Liam is going to do great, because, well, simply, Liam is great. And kind. And sweet. And deserves it. 

He asks to hear a song of Liam's and he chokes on his response, spluttering excuses.

"Come on, just one song. Please?" Louis tries, squeezing the hand around his ankle. "It's not fair you've seen my movies and I haven't heard one song of yours."

He really didn't think that would work, but it did. Liam groans and slides off the couch, "Fine. But just one."

"That's all I ask," Louis replies, grinning. 

Liam goes off and returns with a guitar and a journal. He rifles through it for a moment before picking a song. Louis is excited, and he tries to covey as much to Liam, crossing his legs on the couch and facing Liam, trying to look as eager as possible. 

Liam looks nervous.

"Hey," Louis starts, resting a hand on him again. "You've got nothing to worry about, okay? You're great and you know it. I'm just one person. You do gigs all the time, right? Sing for me." 

Liam looks up and meets his eyes; Louis thinks he sees something settle in them, but Liam's nodding and positioning the guitar before he gets a chance to evaluate. 

Liam plucks at the strings to a beat, then begins to strum. Then his mouth opens and Louis thinks it's the most beautiful sound he's ever heard.

" _Once in a lifetime, it's just right, and we make no mistakes. Not even a landslide, or riptide, could take it all away. Somehow, it feels like nothing has changed, right now my heart is beating the same, out loud someone's calling my name, it sounds like youuuuu. When I close my eye-eye-eh-eh-eh-eyes, all the stars ali-i-i-i-i-gn, and you are by my si-i-i-i-i-oh-ide, you are by my si-ii-iide, ii-ahh-i-i-iiiide, you were by my si-ii-iide, ii-ahh-i-i-iiiide, you were by my si-ii-iide, ii-ahh-i-i-iiiide._

 _Once in a lifetime, you were mine._ "

Liam finishes and looks up at Louis, sheepish and hopeful and Louis is honestly at a loss for words. "Liam," he breathes out, he thinks that's all he can manage. Liam's face falls, though, so he thinks he better manage some more. "No, no – don't do that, don't look like that. It was – holy fuck, Liam – that was so – you're so – that song was so – it was fucking great. Holy shit, your voice. You – you're so fucking good, Liam, really. _Fuck_. That was – did you write that? Holy – it was beautiful. How did you –" Louis just gives up, because he's losing the words quicker than he can say them. He chooses to lean forward and kiss Liam hard, to let him know how he feels, and to give him a chance to remember English. Liam breaks into a smile against his lips and Louis counts that as an achievement. He needs to compliment him more often, he thinks.

Louis peppers his face with more kisses before pulling away, only an inch, though. He stares into Liam's eyes, beaming at him. "So good," he repeats and Liam's cheeks tint. "Really. Holy shit. Why aren't you signed yet? Do you want me to call someone? I can call someone, I have a friend, he could totally listen to your stuff." Louis is reaching for his phone already but Liam stops him. 

"No, no, no don't do that. You don't have to. I mean, thank you. Thank you _so_ much, but. I – I have to do this on my own." Liam sets his face, but it looks like a difficult decision for him. 

Louis kisses the frown away. "Okay. I get it. I respect that. But if you ever change your mind..."

Liam presses his lips to his again. "Thank you, but no thanks. Plus, if it ever got out that you helped me, it'd probably make this way more scrutinized, or something."

"Look at you, using big words like a grown man," Louis teases and Liam smacks him in the chest. Louis grabs his hand and slides it over to his heartbeat, letting it rest there for a moment until he drops his head onto Liam's shoulder. He kisses his neck. "You're gonna do great out there, I know it." Liam squeezes his hand and then it's silent. 

Then it's not, and Niall's barging through. "Liam! There's a _Back to the Future_ marathon on! Oh, you're already here. Excellent." He spots them on the couch and settles himself practically on top of Liam. "Could you scoot a little?" he asks Louis and this is a totally different Niall than the one Louis met before.

"Niall!" Liam scolds, setting the guitar down by the coffee table.

"What?" Niall shrugs. "You told me to treat him like a normal person, so here I am doing it. Normal person, could you please scoot over some?" Louis nods and laughs, sliding down the couch a little. Liam slaps him on the head. "Ow. You're mean. Make up your mind, Liam. Don't tell me to do something and then get mad when I do. I swear, he's like our father or some shit," Niall complains to Louis and Louis takes too much glee from that statement.

"Oh, really?" he raises an eyebrow and Liam sticks his tongue out at him before shoving Niall off of his lap.

"I hate you, you're the worst." Liam crosses his arms and pouts, moving closer to Louis. Louis laughs and kisses his arm. 

"I don't care, no one is going to stand in the way of me watching a free movie marathon. Or sit in the way, I guess." He ponders over that while grabbing the remote to queue up the movie. 

"It's not free, Niall. Your name is on the cable bill," Liam points out, poking him.

"Shh. Movie's starting," Niall says, slapping Liam's hand away. 

Liam rolls his eyes and curls into Louis. "Sorry about him," he whispers. 

"It's fine." Louis runs a hand through his hair. "I like this movie."

And then they're watching all three _Back to the Future_ movies. Louis' amazed he's stayed awake, considering how exhausted he is. Liam passes out against his chest around the start of the second movie, and Zayn comes back a few minutes after. He laughs quietly at Liam before placing a kiss on his forehead. He nods to Louis and claps a hand on Niall's shoulder before dragging his feet to his room. Niall is wide awake, and Louis is having some trouble keeping his eyes open, but it's understandable since it is one in the morning; he doesn't understand Niall. He seems to have gotten over his star-struck state pretty quickly, laughing and commenting with Louis like he's been here before. It's nice, really. Liam was the only person in a while who didn't completely freak out with him, and now his friends seem to be the same. Louis appreciates that.

Liam's eyes snap open when the final credits roll. 

"Hello, Sleeping Beauty," Louis teases and Liam only grumbles before burrowing his face more into Louis' shirt. 

Niall announces his exhaustion and bids them a goodnight, disappearing into his room. 

Louis thinks Liam may have slipped into sleep again. "Liam," he whispers, shaking his shoulder. Liam grunts and Louis chuckles. "Come on, it's bedtime."

"No moving," Liam whines, wrapping his arms tighter around Louis.

"Liam," Louis repeats. "Come on, let's go to bed." He may be getting too much enjoyment out of sleepy Liam. He pokes at Liam's cheek until he gives in, which doesn't take long. 

Liam slowly slides off of Louis, muttering under his breath and rubbing at his eyes. He grabs Louis' hand and takes him into his room, although Louis suspects it's mostly just to keep himself upright. With a jolt Louis realizes he's never actually seen Liam's room, this is his first time in his apartment, after all. It's too dark for Louis to make out anything, and Liam's only intention is to get to the bed. 

He climbs in and makes grabby hands for Louis from tucked under the covers and Louis crawls to him. He kisses his forehead and strips himself of his pants and shirt before getting under himself. Even with his eyes closed, Liam seems to place Louis perfectly and is spooning himself around him in no time, tangling their legs together.

Louis kisses his wrist. "Goodnight."

"Grdhf," is what he gets in response, Liam's cheek pressed against his shoulder. He settles into Liam and the mattress and closes his eyes, glad to finally be able to spend a night with him again.

+

Liam's only flown twice in his life, and that was from the family vacation to Niagara Falls. And he didn't have to worry about any of the flight details; his parents handled all of that. But now, he's 26, and in charge of himself, and really fucking confused.

Flight 489. 10:12. Gate B3. Simple. Everything he needed to know was right there. So he should be having no problem. Except, he couldn't read the arrivals and departures board for shit, and he was pretty sure it already _was_ 10:12, and he has no idea where gate B3 is. He really should take a look at his ticket again, find out what airline, or ask someone, but he's being jostled around by so many people who are clearly competent and know how to live in a real world airport. Liam gulps. Niall is yelling about something with someone, and Liam's eyes are scanning over the changing board without really processing any of it.

It's been about a couple of weeks since Louis spent the night in his apartment. Or, two nights, really. He didn’t leave and Liam wasn’t trying to make him. Until he absolutely had to. He kissed Liam goodbye long and hard in the doorframe, squeezed his hand and then he was gone, leaving with his burly bodyguard. Liam kind of ached. And Niall and Zayn yammering about Louis' presence in their apartment – in addition to his existence in general – wasn't helping. Liam thinks they've come to terms with it, at least somewhat. They're less in shock about it, if that's what Liam was looking for. At certain times, Niall will treat it all like Louis is just Liam or Zayn extended, but Liam can tell when he realizes he's _not actually_ and he stops himself. But it's mostly that he's just not one of the guys like they are, it's not the same relationship – it has nothing to do with him being famous. Maybe only a little bit, but Niall's doing well. Zayn is better, freaking out only when he's gone. He's quiet enough that it's all comfortable, and he takes Louis in as best as he can, which is well, actually. And Louis kind of gravitates to his calm nature anyway, but he also gravitates to Niall's especially exuberant nature, which is kind of scary. And then there's Liam. In the middle. And Louis' by him the most.

But, like. Even with him gone, he's still there. There's the clothes of his, and that one toothbrush Liam managed to obtain, and his cell phone charger – well, Liam's bringing that to him now, but still. They Skype, and text, and call, and it's okay. At least for now. Liam doesn't really know where this is going, but he's sure it's going good. It's been about two months, and it's been intense, but they both seem to be on the same page, and. It works. And Liam doesn't really have any reservations anymore, and he's not too sure Louis ever exactly did. He likes him. That's all he's going to think about right now.

Of course, talking from different sides of the continent is never the same as _touching_ Louis. Which is. Liam can't wait. He can't wait to press his lips to his and dig his fingers in his hair and meld his body with his all over again, if only for a little while. He can't wait to hold his hand. He can't wait to lay with him there. He can't wait to just be next to him. Liam swallows; he has an inkling that all these thoughts are the borderline of something dangerously serious and saved for _later_ , but he's trying not to dwell on it. He doesn't know what will happen if he does. And all he's doing right now is getting on a plane to visit his boyfriend. An all expenses paid, plane. To his famous boyfriend. Who's filming for a movie. No biggie.

He didn't really have any gigs lined up this week anyways, and if he did he knows he would've dropped them for this, which is also slightly frightening.  Niall's taking over the one he did have, and Liam's refusing to have him not keep the money. Whoever does the show gets it, and that's that. Although, it's probably just gonna go to the bills like it would anyways, so. Liam really needs to start looking for a real job, in supplement to his singing. Which isn't going very well. And they're semi broke, even with three of them; even though it's really only two because Liam hasn’t been able to contribute much, but. They're working on it.

"Liam! Come on, this way!" Niall starts weaving through the throng of people. It takes Liam a moment to snap to, and when he does, he checks the time. 10:02. He's not entirely positive he won't miss this flight. Niall points him in the direction of where he's supposed to be, left and a long way off. "You got it?" Niall asks, shoving Liam's carry on at him.

Liam nods. "Think so." Left. Security. Terminal. Gate B3. JFK, New York City. Nine minutes. _Fuck_.

"Good." Niall kisses the top of his head. "Be safe, have fun."

"Thanks," Liam smiles, backing away. "You're gonna kill it Wednesday." 

"Oh, I know. I'll make more than you ever could, Payno!" Niall jeers, getting lost in the crowd.

Liam scoffs. "Please. Bye, see you next week!"

"Go on, lover boy!" is all Liam can hear over the din; Niall's blond head is gone and Liam is really late. 

He rushes through security and by some grace of God it doesn't take him too long, only shaves off about four minutes. And he spends the next five running like a maniac towards the gate. He has one minute left when he finds his flight, and people are still queuing up to enter the tunnel. Liam exhales and joins the line, relieved beyond belief. 

He takes in the people in front of him, wondering what they could be visiting. Family, maybe, or just a vacation, or maybe one of them has a famous boyfriend they're flying off to visit as well, who knows. Liam feels out of place for some reason, going to be with Louis for a week. These people probably have plans of some kind, and Liam doesn't – he's just going to _be_. There. With Louis. None of these people know that there's a Hollywood Actor on the other side waiting for Liam's arrival in the midst of a movie production. It's all... theirs. This whole situation is theirs. Which is what Louis wanted. And Liam, too. He smiles. He can't wait to wrap his arms around him and be wrapped up in return. 

"Ticket, please," the attendant asks of him, holding out her hand. Liam gives it to her. He's the last one.

She gives him his ticket back and gestures for him to follow through the doors. Liam follows in behind the string of travelers and pulls out his phone.

_gettingggg on th planeeeee :))_

Louis' reply comes when he finds his seat. His phone vibrates in his pocket as he shoves his carry-on into the overhead compartment as instructed. Sliding into the window seat, he pulls out his phone again. 

_yay :) only six hours until ur next blowjob ;)_

Liam snorts and chokes all at once. A man is sitting down next to him and gives him a weird look. Liam smiles politely and turns into his phone. 

_and onlyyyy six hrs n fifteeeen min til urssss ;)_

_fifteen? someone's thinking highly of themselves_

_shut upp_

Then, the announcement to turn off his electronic devices sounds overhead. 

_gotta goooo. txtttt u when i landddd :)_

He turns his phone off before he can see Louis' reply. The flight attendant comes around making sure everyone's seat belts are on and Liam stares out of the window. When takeoff happens he grips the armrest; he remembers being this uncomfortable last time, and that was about ten years ago. Come to think of it, this is all he can remember of the flight, and it makes his stomach uneasy. He focuses on the seat in front of him and very much on not throwing up the little breakfast he had earlier. Niall cooked him scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast, but he was so late he could only eat a few forkfuls of eggs and a strip of bacon. God, it was funny actually, that he had stayed up so late last night texting with Louis – who was up even later because of the time difference – and then he almost missed his flight to _see_ him. They were an odd kind of couple, but, like, a happy one. Whatever they're doing is working, it seems, and Liam never minds talking to Louis, even at four in the morning, three and a half hours before he had to wake up. That means it was seven for Louis – Liam frowns, did he even sleep at all last night? He worries about him sometimes – Louis texted at crazy hours even when they were in the same time zone, what's he doing now? Especially with filming and the early mornings and late nights. Liam reminds himself to check up on that when he sees him, and to make sure he gets enough rest while he's there. It's strange, though, because Louis doesn't like to miss sleep, he gets grumpy, as Liam had the pleasure of witnessing those times Louis was on all those early morning shows. 

He didn't even notice the plane was on its way to the clouds now. Relaxing in his seat, he looks out the window, eyeing over the vast green and speckles of buildings before they disappeared under the blanket of white. 

The flight was quiet, and Liam pulled out his phone to play Solitaire for a while until he realized he was yawning about every other minute. Before he fell asleep he set his watch to New York time – ten-thirty on the West Coast would be one-thirty New York, meaning he would land around eight in the evening. Louis said he would be done with filming by six, so he would be home free. Which is excellent. Liam falls asleep with his head against the window and the image of Louis' body tangled with his behind his eyelids.

When he wakes, the plane is taxiing along the runway. He rubs the sleep from his eyes and grabs his bag. The excitement of being just a few minutes away from Louis knocks away his groggy state and suddenly he's bouncing in his seat. The man next to him eyes him again before getting up, probably thinking Liam's acting childish – he doesn't care. _Louis_. 

Walking through the tunnel, he turns his phone on again. When it boots up completely he sees Louis' response from earlier. 

_see u soon :)_

_i'll be in a red hat and gray hoodie_

And, _oh_. Liam hadn't expected Louis would be picking him up, he thought he would get a ride from Alberto or something. Actually, he didn't really think about that part – just getting to Louis. His heart kind of swells when he steps into the airport. Louis is here to pick him up, even with thousands of people around. That's – Liam doesn't know what to make of that. He smiles and texts Louis he's here, but when he looks up he sees him. 

He's waving like crazy, a huge smile on his face and a sign in his hand that says 'Payno.' Liam grins and shakes his head; he'd picked up on using that nickname after Liam brought him around Niall too much. Niall quickly caught on to 'Tommo' as well, as did Liam, so it was all – well it was all really good and... cozy. Comfortable. 

Liam rushes over to him and doesn't even think about it – because Louis' thrown the sign to the side and has his arms out wide and Liam just fits right into them. He wraps his arms around Louis' shoulders and Louis hugs him tight, nuzzling his face in Liam's neck. It feels so good to feel him again, actually hold him instead of placing their hands together on the computer screen. He tightens his arms and kisses Louis' neck. Liam's missed it all – his skin, his smell, his body, his kiss. He's thinking this just as Louis positions himself to kiss Liam square on the mouth. And it feels so _nice_ Liam melts into it for a moment before he realizes where they are. He stiffens a bit but Louis shakes his head and pulls him closer, sucking on his lip. 

"Don't care," he mumbles against Liam's mouth. "Missed you." 

"Missed you," Liam repeats, kissing him again. 

Then Louis stops. Alberto is there, eyeing all around them. Right, they're probably attracting a lot of attention – two guys making out in the middle of the airport. Add in the Louis factor and it's much worse – not that they know it's Louis, but if they did – oh God. Now, Liam feels terribly guilty. He steps back from Louis and re-shoulders his bag. 

Louis nods and fixes his hat and puts on glasses as well. He reaches for Liam's hand and, well – Liam _wants_ to hold it, but. Anything to keep Louis safe is what Liam wants, but Louis is reaching, he knows what he's doing. And Liam is weak, so he laces his fingers with his and they follow behind Alberto. Louis keeps his head ducked down and they try to make it less obvious that they're some type of convoy and walk as casually as possible. 

They make it to the van, and Harry's in there along with another guard driving. Liam waves to Harry when he slides in after Louis. 

"Please, keep this car clean," Harry says, making a face. But Louis hoists himself into Liam's lap anyways. Harry groans and turns away. 

"Harry, you knew exactly how this was going to be, if you didn't wanna be around it, you shouldn't have come," Louis says pointedly, throwing his hat and glasses at Harry, who pouts. Louis turns back to Liam, foreheads almost touching as they pull away from JFK.  "Hi."

Liam spans his hands across Louis' back. He's warm. "Hi," he smiles. 

Louis leans forward and kisses him soft and slow. And it's so. So everything Liam's been missing. There's a tug in his chest when Louis licks into his mouth, gently prying him open. And there's static in his brain when he sucks on Louis' tongue. And there's a jolt in his bones when Louis folds into him deeper, teeth dragging along his lips.

Harry makes gagging noises again and the car turns so Louis loses his balance a little, but Liam doesn't let him fall. Harry knocks his head into the window, though, and Louis laughs loud enough to fill up the whole van. God, Liam's missed that. Right in front of his face, directly to his ears. He rubs a thumb over Louis' bottom lip. Louis' cheeks rest into his palm and his face calms as he stares at Liam.

Liam dances his fingers along Louis' back. He was right, Louis looks tired. There're bags under the blue-green and Liam frowns, bringing the tip of his thumb to outline them, ending at his crow's feet. "Have you been getting enough sleep?"

Louis nods gingerly as Harry scoffs, "No." Liam looks between them, a combination of accusation and wariness. "But he won't listen to me. Or he shoves his wet finger in my ear." Harry grimaces.

Louis sticks his tongue out at him. His smile fades when he turns back to Liam, though. "I'm fine," he says. "Really. Just a crazy schedule, that's all." Louis threads Liam's hair through his fingers, scratching lightly at his scalp.

Liam presses his lips to the inner arm of Louis' that's next to his shoulder, propped on the back of the seat. "I don't mean to keep you up," he all but lies. While he wants Louis to stay as rested as possible, he can't help but get lost in talking with him. He doesn’t necessarily want their conversations to become less frequent, or shorter, but. He doesn’t want to be responsible for Louis' tiredness – he doesn't think it's that worth it that Louis never sleeps. But on the same hand he wants for them to talk as much as they can, even if that includes the middle of the night. The time difference isn't that big, but it makes everything so much more complicated than it needs to be.

"Hey," Louis says, cupping Liam's face in his hands. He touches their noses lightly. "It's not your fault, okay? I don't get much sleep anyways; you have nothing to do with that. And I'm not going to let you think you did, or need to stop, or whatever garbage you're thinking of in there." He pokes at Liam's temple and Liam catches his hand in his. "You actually help me out a lot, between shoots and stuff. When I wanna nod off but can't, talking to you keeps me awake. And sane. So stop worrying."

Liam nods. "Okay." He's still skeptical, though. But it's Louis' life, and Liam could always cut back if he feels he needs it. That thought dies quickly – he's too weak not to give in to Louis, he knows it. "Just wanna make sure."

"Well," Louis leans back on Liam's lap, hands on his hips, "what about you, mister? You look exhausted."

"'Cause _someone_ made me wake up early to catch a stupid plane," Liam mumbles, poking him in the side.

Louis giggles, but holds his ground. "Did you just call seven in the morning early? Early. Harry, this one thinks seven is early. _Seven_." Harry shakes his head in derision. Louis barks and Alberto is chuckling in the front seat. "Liam Payne, you haven't known early. 'Early' is four-thirty call time. Seven is sleeping in. pfft. I _wish_ I had the luxury of waking up at seven. Unbelievable." He squeezes his thighs around Liam's and pokes him back in the arm.

"Well your four-thirty is my seven-thirty. And Zayn's eleven-thirty," he adds. He wishes he had the capacity for that much sleep.

Louis scoffs. "You're all _weak_. God." He slides off Liam's lap, but tangles his ankle with his.

Liam doesn't know how to respond to that. And he missed this. This – Louis. With him. He traces patterns along Louis' arm, and whispers, "I believe I was promised a blowjob," and bites at the vein in his neck.

Louis swallows and turns his face to his. "Well, you also said you'd last fifteen minutes, so it seems a lot of lies are being told today." He snickers.

Liam punches him in the arm. "You're the worst. I hate you."

"See, look. Another lie," Louis replies happily.

Liam tries to turn away, but Louis just follows, wrapping his arms around Liam's shoulders and resting his head against his back. He nips at his skin through his shirt, and starts massaging his shoulders. And, _shit_ , Liam is weak. He is so weak and so tired and he missed Louis' touch too much to not forget. He forgets where they are for a moment and leans into it, head falling back, and Louis begins to suck at his neck. Liam doesn't shiver, he _doesn't_ moan. Definitely not. Hopefully not. He can't really make sense of anything that's not Louis' hands or mouth. So. Really it's all Louis' fault if some noise slips out of his mouth. Really.

"Oh, my God," Harry whines. "Alberto, please tell me we're almost there. Get me out of here before they start having sex." Liam flushes, but Louis keeps going, and he suspects he flicked Harry off as well. There's a sound like the slap of skin before, "Oh, _God_ , Lou, you're still in the pants from the photo shoot. Please for the love of God –"

"Relax," Louis mutters to him, against Liam's skin.

"We're here," Alberto says, laughing. Louis detaches himself from Liam. Liam doesn't pout. He twists himself back right. There's no paparazzi, so that's good. There are a few fans, though.

Louis grabs his hand but talks to the whole car. "I'll go out there and sign stuff with Alberto. You guys just go around back and I'll meet you up there. 'Kay?"

Liam nods as Louis climbs over him and Alberto gets out of the car. Louis kisses him quick and Liam tries to hide himself as best as he can when Louis gets out of the van. There's a few screams, and lots of camera flashes. Liam gulps.

"It's alright," Harry says, a hand on his shoulder. "They can't see you."

"Hiya!" Louis greets them and there's another wave of screams. Liam's always heard stories about how good Louis is with fans, and now he's seeing it in the flesh. They love him a lot, and Louis reciprocates it well. Liam smiles as Alberto closes the back door.

The driver – who Liam still hasn’t heard speak – pulls away and takes them around the corner of the hotel, through some back gate. No one's back there except some employee. He leads them to a drop off zone of some sort and opens the hotel doors when they exit the van. Liam never caught the name of the hotel, and doesn’t get a chance to because Harry's rushing him through the lobby straight to the elevators.

"Sorry," Harry says when the doors are closed. "You never know who's got a camera out there – and they mostly know who I am, so. Just being cautious."

"It's okay. I get it," Liam says.

They get to the floor – Liam wasn't paying attention to the number – and Harry pulls out a room key. "So, like, Lou's schedule is pretty lax this week. They have to fix this one set of scenes he's not really in – so. Just like, you know… be clean. And stuff." Harry looks uncomfortable, and he's fumbling with his hands, but he keeps talking. "And don't let him try to sneak you out. He – he's a – he does that. I think it's mostly just to piss me off but – anyway, he's not supposed to do anything like that. Trying to keep him out the spotlight with that kind of shit. So, just watch out for him. Maybe you can get him to sleep." He unlocks the room door.

"I'll try," Liam nods. He steps in just as Louis comes yelling. Really loud. And then he tackles Liam to the floor.

"You're atrocious," Harry states.

"Love you, darling," Louis responds and starts kissing at all the places Liam's skin is showing. Harry snorts and gags and leaves the room.

Liam turns over underneath Louis, who's grinning at him. Liam reaches to kiss him again, but Louis stops just short of their mouths touching.

"Ready for that blowjob, now?"

Liam nods and smashes their lips together.

+

Louis had a plan. He was going to blow Liam, then vice versa, then he was going to suggest a shower and repeat steps one and two. _Then_ he wanted to lie in bed and watch something curled up in Liam's arms.

His plan was not to fall asleep immediately after step two. That is levels of disgrace Perez Hilton can’t even get to. That's why when he wakes up and Liam laughs at him and tells him what he did, he turns away and burrows into the covers and refuses to come out. His last shreds of dignity are under there with them and he's not leaving them behind.

It's just that – Liam is _so_ warm. And comforting. After Louis had come, Liam crawled up to him and nuzzled his face in Louis' neck, wrapping his entire self around Louis' body. Louis was cocooned, and it was _nice_. He turned into Liam's chest and Liam kept a palm across his lower back, drawing circles between his shoulder blades with the other hand. He kissed at Louis' head and Louis was _so_ tired. He was so cozy and safe and just – it all felt like too much. Overwhelmingly so. It was too much for Louis not to think that might just be his favorite place on Earth – right there in Liam's arms like that – and to feel able to rest there. To belong there.  And Louis realizes the word 'safe' is something he associates with Liam. It should be frightening, that after so little time Liam makes Louis feel safer than his whole crew and team of bodyguards, or his Mom's house, or his own head. He doesn’t know how to do this – how to give bits of himself to someone and to actually have them treated with care. That's – that's new. But it's also so desperately Liam that Louis shouldn’t have expected otherwise, but. He's just not used to it. He's never had a Liam in his life, and so easily. Not that anything about this has been easy, but – but it sort of has been, when he thinks about it. Talking to Liam is hard because there's no time, but talking to Liam is so easy because he's so honest. And gentle. And kind. And funny. And silly. And soft. And – Louis has a problem. He swallows it down. Those thoughts are not for now. For later. Much later.

Liam's poking at him through the duvet, giggling. "Come on, Louis. I promise I won't laugh anymore. Please? Come out so I can kiss you good morning."

And isn't that just the lovely cherry on top of Louis' cake of swirling and inescapable emotions? Someone should not be allowed to be so endearing. Louis' going to have to call someone about this, surely it can't be legal. And surely it's a mistake that Liam's a part of Louis' life, there's no way that was supposed to happen – he's done nothing deserving of this force of smiles and caresses and kisses and compassion.

"Louuuuuu," Liam's whining now, and he's straddled Louis over the covers. He tugs at the top of the duvet where Louis has it clutched in his hands. "Come on, pleaseeee?"

Louis gives in. It's not like he could actually resist anything Liam did anyways, especially anything that persistently sincere.  He throws the covers away and – _Goddammit_ Liam is so fucking bright. His eyes are crinkled and his smile is wide and his dimple is indented and he looks so fucking – cute. Fuck. That's what Liam is, and Louis is in so much trouble.

"Yay!" Liam leans down and kisses Louis' nose. Louis slides his hands around Liam's back and then Liam presses his lips to his. The kiss is sweet, and Louis doesn't think about his morning breath. He just slots his lips with Liam's and relaxes into his touch. "Good morning," Liam breathes when he pulls away.

Louis smiles up at him. A good morning it is, indeed. "Hi." Liam keeps a thumb next to Louis' lips, a dopey look on his face. "Stop looking at me like that."

Liam sits back, affronted. "Like what? I'm not looking at you like anything."

"You're all smug that I fell asleep, go ahead. Laugh it up some more, so funny." Louis pulls a face and tries to cross his arms but Liam is kind of in the way.

"No, I'm not!" Then Liam starts giggling. Louis covers his face with his hands. "Lou, come on." Liam grabs at his hands. Damn him, one hand can take both of Louis' easily. "I'm not laughing. Actually, I'm glad you finally got _some_ amount of sleep." He spirals his thumb around Louis' hands. "Even if it meant we couldn't get to all we wanted to, it's okay. We have this whole week, anyway."

Three words bubble up in Louis' throat, but he chokes them down quickly. Scaring Liam off is not what he brought him here for, so, _no_. None of that. He thinks the fact that it might be true is more frightening than him almost saying it. "Well," Louis clears his throat. "I guess it was nice. Sleeping." He looks at the clock. "For ten hours." He frowns; maybe he should squeeze in more naps.

But it's hard, because, like – shoots can go on forever, and he wants to talk to Liam, and even if he's not or Liam's already asleep, he just _can't_ fall asleep. Being told to look active and alive all day on set kind of puts a damper on his whole concept of 'sleep is good' and it really fucks him over. He used to be good at taking power naps between shoots – Harry would have to come in with a megaphone and all his flailing limbs to get Louis awake then. But, now in between everything there's Liam. He wants to talk to him more than he wants to sleep, and – he'll deny this if ever asked – those times Liam's not available to talk, Louis doesn't sleep thinking about what they could be talking about, or what Liam's doing, or why the fuck hasn't he flown back to L.A. just to shove Liam up against his apartment wall and never take his lips away from his. But. He has priorities, and some pride, so he suppresses the urge as much as he can. And he doesn't want Liam to think he's to blame – _God_ , a guilty Liam would just absolutely break Louis' last shreds of resolve. He wouldn't be able to handle it. Also, Liam just shouldn't feel guilty, because it's mostly Louis' fault. And problem. But he knows Liam is still so worried about everything, that's just how he is. He cares so much, and Louis honestly doesn't know what to do with that much concern from one person – it's like Harry and his mom and his fans combined. It's unsettling at times, but comforting. Then unsettling again when he thinks about what Liam must be thinking. Twice he's considered coming out just to ease Liam's mind, but he quickly reminded himself that was a _very bad_ idea, as did Harry, but not as kindly. Harry also unkindly reminded him that Liam would probably just turn any consequence from Louis' coming out into his own fault too, and – well, he wasn't wrong. He just wants to be able to have a boyfriend who didn't care so fucking much, honestly, who allowed that? And who allowed Liam to be with the one person who would actually complain about having a boyfriend with sympathy and kindness in his every intention? Louis' a real piece of shit, sometimes. 

"See? Sleep is nice," Liam says, smiling down at him. "Besides, I wasn't laughing at you for that."

Louis draws his eyebrows together. "You weren't? Then why were you laughing?"

Liam looks really concentrated on trying not to burst into more giggles. It'd be the most beautiful thing Louis has ever seen – if it wasn't dealing with his impending subjection to ridicule. "Because – because you gave me all this shit, and it only took you four minutes." Then he does fall into laughter, head on Louis' chest, hiccups of it smothered by his T-shirt and duvet. 

Louis knows he's supposed to be angry – after, of course, he processes what Liam's said and has come to the horrifying conclusion (even _more_ disgraceful than he already was just by falling asleep, now it's falling asleep after only four minutes; he's an utter failure) – but Liam's laugh just might actually be his favorite sound, and sue him for wanting to keep listening to it. He runs his hand over Liam's hair as he laughs into Louis' chest, and Louis can't help but to join in. He should be furious and indignant – his specialty – but. _Liam_. 

"Were you keeping track of the time, or something?" Louis asks, laughing into the top of his head, dropping a kiss there. 

"Maybe," Liam giggles. 

And Louis doesn't even care anymore. He can't stop laughing. "You're awful." Absolutely no heat at all.

"At least I could hold out," Liam replies back, peering up at Louis. His eyes are a combination of gleeful and challenging, and Louis is amazed at how the fuck he can do that. 

Louis doesn't actually have a good response to that, so he flicks him on the nose and leans down, "Shut up," and kisses him. Liam's hands curl around his neck almost immediately, and Louis cards his fingers through his hair. Liam pushes himself up closer, opening his mouth. Louis slips his tongue in, tasting him. Irrevocably, inevitably, irresistibly, a part of Louis' heart gets stitched up with the thread of Liam's name and touch and kiss and laugh, tugging him farther down into all that is Liam Payne. He bites his lip and traces all around his mouth, Liam emitting a small moan. He ruts down on Louis through the covers, playing with his earlobes as he kisses back into Louis. Louis slides his hand across Liam's back, different indents of pressures as he nears his waist. 

Then, of course, Harry is knocking and yelling, and Louis is very annoyed.

"Look, you can stay in there and do whatever the hell you want, but you have to eat breakfast, and it has to be _Manhattan_ approved!" Harry shouts. Louis groans and rolls his eyes while Liam slides off of him, resting next to him. He can hear the click of Harry's keycard in the door, and he really wishes hiding under the covers was an option now. "Where's the room service menu?" Harry asks when he struts in. "Or do you wanna go down to the restaurant? There's a buffet, I think."

"Harry," Louis whines, flopping onto his stomach, the end of his name muffled by the pillows. 

"Shut. Up," he replies promptly. Louis hears him shuffling around the many piles of crap that accessorize the hotel furnishings. "I'm doing this for you, you should be doing this for yourself, by the way. You're 28 years old. And, it's _required_. So don't give me shit. Ah, here." He hops onto the bed next to Louis' head. Louis blindly punches at his thigh. "Hey, Liam."

"Hey," Liam replies. "Lou, stop hitting him. He just wants to make sure you eat." Liam grabs at his flying fist.

"Thank you," Harry says pointedly, pulling the pillow from under Louis and hitting him with it.

Louis sits up, pouting. Because he's allowed to do that. There's no age where it says you have to stop pouting. It's totally acceptable. "I hate you both. Liam, don't take his side. You're the last good one left; the whole crew listen to him, I can't escape." He drapes himself over Liam, clawing at his shirt. But Liam just shoves him away, pressing a kiss to his cheek (of course). 

"Stop it. Food is good. Sleep is good. And I'm hungry." A pocket pops up in between his eyebrows when he says so, looking disapproving, but his bottom lip is sticking out, too. Louis hates his stupid face. He groans and falls against Liam's shoulder, but turns around to face Harry.

"Liam, teach me your ways," Harry pleads, shaking his head as he opens up the menu. Louis kicks him. "Anyway, yeah, what do you want? Pancakes and waffles have to be wheat. Or you could have an omelet, I guess. Toast? Bagel?"

"Urgh, stop talking," Louis complains, covering his ears. "Why can't I just have chocolate chip pancakes like a grown man? We don't have to say anything, one meal won't hurt. They'll never know."

"Yes, they will, because you have that huge running scene tomorrow and when you can't breathe and start to puke up chocolate, they'll notice," Harry says, poking at Louis' leg. "So, _shut the fuck up_."

"Rude," Louis sticks his tongue out at him. "I like your shirt."

Harry looks down at it, smiling. "Thanks. Gemma sent it to me. And no, you can't borrow it."

"Not like I'll be able to fit into your giant tree clothes," Louis mumbles. Harry just grins. Liam runs a hand along Louis' arm, dancing his fingers across the back of his hand when he gets there. "I'm sure Liam's gonna pick something totally sensible and healthy and disgusting so I'll just have that," Louis waves his hand in dissent as he speaks.

Liam jabs him hard in the side. "Just for that, I'm going to have some chocolate pancakes."

"Nooo," Louis whines. "Fuck, urgh, okay. Fine, poison me with some scrambled eggs and _wheat_ toast." He pulls a face and Harry smiles and grabs for the phone. "Can I at least have some hash browns?"

Harry just puts a finger to his lips and starts speaking into the phone. Louis doesn't pay attention until he hears 'hash browns'. At least today will start out semi-well.

"You're grumpy in the morning," Liam says lightly, right next to Louis' ear.

"I am not." Louis crosses his arms and pushes back against Liam's chest. Liam wraps his arms around him and slides his hands across Louis' forearms, reaching to untangle his arms. He plays with Louis' fingers and his lips brush against the shell of his ear and Louis could honestly stay here forever.

Even with Harry making faces at them into the receiver of the phone. Louis wants to keep them both by his side for as long as possible.

"Twenty minutes," Harry announces, putting the phone back onto the dock.

Louis nods, nestling further into Liam. Harry smirks at them, and he and Louis proceed to have a conversation through entirely eyebrows and eye widening. Louis actually doesn't know what's happening, now he's just making faces at him.

"Okay," Liam says slowly, eyeing the two of them strangely and slipping away from Louis. "I'm gonna take a shower." He presses a firm kiss to Louis' temple and leaves the room.

"So," Harry starts, picking up Louis' feet and putting them in his lap.

"So," Louis repeats, lying flat on his back; he knows what's coming.

"You and Liam."

Louis sits up. He doesn’t really want to have this conversation. "Yes, me and Liam." He can't help himself, though. "What about it?"

Harry shrugs. "Nothing. It's just nice to see you so…" He gestures around with his hands. "Like, I don't know. I've been with you the whole time, and I know what it was like for you to try and like, find someone, or connect with them – especially now. And I'm happy for you. Even if he's got you totally whipped."

"Excuse me!" Louis kicks at him. "Shut the fuck up, I am not _whipped_."

"No," Harry laughs. "But might as well be. I can see he makes you happy, even with how little you see him. That's what you need, Lou. Someone good."

Louis goes quiet. He knows his time with Liam has been good, like, really good. But it's weird to think that other people can see it, too – well, Harry doesn't really count, he's more inside Louis' head than Louis is, so. Of course he noticed. But it's still… comforting, to have his approval. Not that Louis needs it, he'll do whatever the fuck he wants, if he's being honest, but. Harry's opinion is important to him; he knows what the face Harry pulled at all the other guys meant; he still counts on Harry to help him out, and he's mostly right. And to have Liam here – and Louis can't even deny it anymore, he means a hell of a lot to him – and to have Harry so – so great about it, it's – well, it's pretty much everything to Louis. He wonders when Liam got such a hold on the majority of his life.

"Thanks," he manages, falling back flat on the bed. He nudges Harry's stomach with his toes and Harry giggles. "I really like him."

"I know you do," Harry says, sliding Louis' feet off of his lap. He crawls up to him and kisses him on the forehead. "Please know the feeling is very mutual so don't go fucking it up."

"Wow, love you, too." Louis deadpans, licking Harry's cheek. "But I'll try." He is actually very worried about something going horribly wrong and doesn't need Harry to remind him of its possibility.

"Good," Harry smiles, climbing off the bed. "Relax today."

"Will do." Louis curls up onto his side as Harry leaves the room.

"Louis?" Liam calls from the bathroom. Louis pops his head up and looks at him, eyebrow raised. "Want to…um, want to shower with me?"

That might not have been the sexiest way to ask that, but Louis doesn't think he has gotten out of bed so fast in his life.

+

Of course Liam would like to tour New York City with Louis. But Harry said he can't go out, and Liam's not really in the mood to chance being spotted. As much as he would like to stroll the streets with his hands grasped in Louis' – it just can't happen right now. 

And Louis kind of hates him for it, or Harry, or is just frustrated in general – Liam can't tell. But it's cute. Which is why he wastes an exorbitant amount of Louis' time running his finger over the crease in his skin and peppering kisses to his frown. And why he settles for roaming the streets by himself while Louis' off filming and 'accidentally' showing up to his scene site.

"I'm still not entirely sure why we're not using a set," Louis complains as he pulls on some jeans.

"Makes it more realistic. Then you don't have to waste money on special effects," Liam says.

Louis looks at him. "You _always_ have to waste money on special effects, Leem." He smiles and continues getting dressed, digging for a shirt. "And if we used a set you'd be able to come to the studio." He plucks out a white shirt with some logo on it. "Probably," he frowns. "At least I wouldn't be in fucking New York."

"But you love New York," Liam points out, sitting up in the bed.

"That's not the point," Louis counters, now fully dressed. "I just – a set would be easier, and I'm going to kill Ben." He falls huffily onto the bed.

"Hey," Liam calls out to him, reaching for his arm. He's really tense. "What's wrong?"

Louis sighs, looking over at Liam. There's something in his eyes Liam can't quite make out, and it leaves an unsettling feeling in his stomach. Louis laces his fingers with Liam's. "Nothing. It's just – this is really fucking hard."

Liam's stomach drops for a second – but then Louis squeezes his hand and he relaxes. "I know. But – but it's fine, right? We're making it work."

"I've never done this before," Louis says.

"Me neither. Believe it or not," he teases, sliding towards Louis and dropping a kiss to his shoulder. "Celebrities aren't courting after me on a daily basis."

Louis gasps obnoxiously. "What? That's absolutely preposterous!" There's a glint in his eye when he turns to Liam.

"I know right?" Liam plays along, dancing his fingers on Louis' inner elbow. They're quiet for a moment, just touching. "We'll be fine. One day at a time, remember?" That was a promise they made somewhere near the beginning, cuddled up in some bed in some place after Liam had made Louis come without any hands on him.

Louis nods slowly, bringing their joined hands up to kiss Liam's. "Yeah. I should get going, I'm already late – it's only by a grace of God Harry's not banging on the door right now." He sits up and catches Liam's lips with his own. "See you?"

Liam nods. "I'll be there."

Louis smiles wide and hops up off the bed. He opens the door and Harry's there with his fist raised to knock. He sighs exasperatedly and walks away – Louis obviously supposed to follow. He turns back to Liam. "You'd think he hates this job, or something."

"Just you," Liam amends, not surprised when Louis flicks him off. He's a little surprised when Louis flicks his key card at him. It falls about five feet short of the bed.

Louis shrugs. "Be back by seven. Ish." Then he's gone.

Liam lays there for a while. He knew Louis still had filming to do this week before he came here, but he didn’t imagine it'd be so lonely. He should've brought Niall along. He's up for anything.

He really hopes Louis isn't having second thoughts about all of this – he knows it's hard, and completely unconventional, but he thinks it's working just fine. Maybe just fine isn't enough, though. Liam frowns. But Louis always seems so happy when Liam's here – but he's a little biased in his opinion.  Liam shakes his head – one day at a time, don't think about that.

Climbing out of bed, he moves to the bathroom and takes a quick shower. He planned on doing some shopping for his sisters and parents, and Niall and Zayn. But he's really more interested in doing all the touristy stuff – just not all by himself.

But he does it anyway. Walking around Times Square gets him more than enough souvenirs by itself, and also knocks out a lot of his energy. He settles for a bus tour of the city in one of those double deckers. There's a sandwich place a few blocks from where Louis said they were filming, so Liam gets off there for a quick lunch. Once he's done, he's not worried about getting lost, because there's a stream of mostly teenage girls and some older men and women heading around the corner in a clump, buzzing excitedly about 'Louis Tomlinson.' Liam has a surge of pride flow through him at that. Louis is his and none of them know. It makes it all the more sweeter.

He follows behind them with a cup of lemonade in his hand from the sandwich place, and comes across an intersection closed off with police tape and security guards. He spots Louis immediately, talking with the director. His co-star – Liam can't remember if it's his love interest or sister – is leaning against a lamp post reading over lines and getting her hair fixed. The crowd is filled with whispers and Liam finds a way to the front of the barricade. Alberto is standing a little to his right, looking like a wall as always. Then he spots Liam and shakes his head, bucking it towards Louis, who's getting something refitted right now. Liam nods and Alberto goes over to him.

Liam watches as Alberto talks in Louis' ear with his back to Liam, and as Louis' eyes scan the throng of people over Alberto's shoulder before finding Liam. He grins and waves as Alberto steps away. There's a rush of deafening screams and the onlookers all wave back to Louis and scream his name. He laughs and waves again, winking at Liam. His heart swells.

The scene starts up again and Louis is meandering through the little bit of block space they have before sitting down at the bench with the co-star. No one around Liam is making any sound – they're not allowed to, anyway – and if he strains enough he can kind of hear Louis' voice across the street.

Soon the director yells, "Cut!" and is flailing his arms about something and then there's a big break. Louis disappears behind a makeshift, curtained, dressing room. Liam's phone buzzes in his pocket.

_need xtras. u game?_

Liam's throat closes up. While that's – yay. Flattering to be considered. But – no. Liam tried acting once – he was only a plant in his fourth grade play about the water cycle and he fucked that up miserably.

_abslutleyyy notttt!!!!_

_so, yes? i'll send alberto over :)_

_louisss if u tryyy it im levingggg_

_:)_

Louis does try it. Alberto comes over asking for volunteers to be extras and when he gets to Liam, with a smug smile on his face, Liam just walks away. He pushes through the crowd and texts Louis.

_byee. seeee u in a cuple f hrsss :)_

Louis sends a frowny face and then, _go ahead and order dinner for us :)_

_okiee dokieee_

Liam's not really waiting for Louis to come back for that long. By the time he organizes everything he bought for specific people, and then changes into his clothes and checks in about a gig next week – it's time to order dinner. And that takes him about twenty minutes before he gives up and orders a pizza – Mediterranean, though, per Harry's instructions. Louis told Liam that if he was going down he was going down with him, and Liam didn't share that he actually enjoys most of the food on Louis' approved meal plan, just let Louis' indignant rage fuel for a while longer nestled in Liam's lap.

Louis comes back soon after he orders, and laughs at Liam for chickening out of the movie. There's no point in defending himself – Liam's learned – so he just takes it and sticks his tongue out at Louis until the pizza arrives. When they're settled down and on about their third slice each, Liam realizes something. "Hey, I thought you said Harry had an apartment out here?"

Louis pulls some spinach out of his mouth, looking disgusted. "He does. But the shit let a bunch of his friends crash there until who knows when. So." He bites into the crust.

"Oh." Liam reaches for another slice. "He knows a lot of people."

Louis snorts. "I could probably count on my hand all the people he _doesn't_ know. He's a friendly guy."

"I've noticed," Liam replies, giving up on that slice. He's still a little full from the sandwich earlier. He goes to the bathroom and when he comes back Louis is trying very hard to keep his eyes open. Liam chuckles and leans in to kiss his forehead. "Go to sleep, Lou."

"But –" Louis' rebuttal is drowned out by a yawn and he curls up on his side.

Liam gets rid of the pizza remains and folds the duvet over Louis like a burrito. He nestles into the sheets himself and watches late night TV, texting with Zayn as he does so. When Zayn drops off Liam knows he should definitely too, given that he's three hours ahead. He rests his head in the crook of Louis' neck as best as he comfortably can without disturbing him.

The next few days go somewhat like this, more or less. Liam doesn't revisit Louis' set, though, goes to actually tour New York, and they're done with that location by Thursday, anyways. Louis only had to go in for a few hours Friday, and he was amazingly free all Saturday. He attempts to sneak them out – which Liam only half-heartedly objected to – but it's like everyone on his team knew he would try and leave. Harry did come in at one point to yell at them – _both_ of them – because Liam was papped in the crowd of people on Louis' set.

Louis thought that was excellent, though – him and Liam being in the same spread of a magazine and no one knowing. He beams at Liam and Harry and Harry wrestles him to the floor. He mostly just lays on top of Louis, like a sloth.

Then Harry doesn’t leave, and they all watch a movie of one of his other clients, who Louis promptly shits on and – as much as Liam agrees – he keeps slapping a hand over his mouth to shut him up. Then Louis licks his hand and Liam wipes it on Louis' sleeve and Harry pelts them with popcorn and tells them to shush and then Louis kisses Liam obnoxiously and it goes like this. And Liam doesn't mind at all. Even when Louis leaves his side to curl up with Harry and they fall asleep like that. Liam smiles and snaps a pic – part out of fondness and part out of spite and blackmail opportunity. They remind him of Zayn and Niall, but much closer and much worse. He sends them the picture, captioned with _u 2 on a gud dayyyy ;)_. Zayn replies _As if!_ and _i don’t know what ur talkin abt :)_ and Niall just sends a series of winky faces that starts an all caps war in the group chat. Liam turns off his ringer and curls up with a pillow, Louis resting against Harry, his long curls covering most of Louis' face.

When he wakes up, they are somehow pressed closer together and Liam really doesn't know what to make of that. Then there's a loud banging on the door, followed by a "urgh, Liam," groan from Louis, who burrows into Harry's shoulder. Harry's nose scrunches up in his sleep.

Liam rubs his hands across his face and answers the door, still really confused on all that is and has been happening. It's Alberto. "I don’t know who you want, but they're both asleep."

Alberto grunts and peeks in at the lump of bodies. He sighs. "Well, Harry's got shit to do, and Lou has a brunch meeting, and your plane's delayed until six. West Coast storms."

Liam grins and frowns at the same time. He's happy to stay for longer, even if that means he'll be getting home early in the morning. But it means more time with Louis, which is really all he wants, but he has a meeting and – Liam is frustrated. Can't he just spend one full day with him not cooped up indoors? Liam stops himself – it's – he knew what he was getting into. It's _okay_. It _works_. It's fine. He's fine. They're fine. They're _great_ , he tells himself. It’s just a tad stressful, but Liam's a big boy, he'll get over it.

Alberto walks past him and detaches them from each other and proceeds to attempt to shake Harry awake. Liam goes over to Louis, wrapping himself around him and kissing his neck. He loves everything about Louis' skin – its tone, its flesh, its softness, warmness, tenderness. He presses his lips there for each quality.

"Morning, princess," he mumbles and Louis whines, waving Liam away. "Good news," Liam says. Louis hums in response. "Plane's delayed 'til six."

"Yay," Louis says sleepily, holding onto Liam's hand. "Is there bad news?"

Liam shrugs, sliding his hands across Louis' belly. "Just that you have a brunch meeting."

Louis groans. "Harry! You were supposed to cancel that." His eyes are open now as he glares at him, but Alberto is still failing to wake him up. Louis reaches a hand over Liam and repeatedly slaps Harry's thigh. "Wake up, you lazy shit."

"What," he mumbles, frowning vigorously. Alberto opens Harry's eyelids and he all but has an aneurysm, kicking his legs in alarm and sitting mostly up. He pouts at Alberto when he's awake." There are better ways of waking someone up."

"Yeah, but someone is _late_ ," Alberto tells him, showing his watch face.

"Shit!" Harry jumps off the bed, running out of the room, Alberto following slowly behind. He pops his head back in, "Lou, I did cancel that meeting. You hate Jeff, why would I do that to you?"

Louis smiles but still whines, "I don’t know." Harry grins and dashes off. Alberto closes the door behind him. "Well," Louis turns to Liam. "Looks like we have the whole day to ourselves."

Liam traces Louis' wrist bone with his index finger. "I believe you're right. For once."

Louis tackles him.

+

Going through the whole ordeal of kissing Liam goodbye is not something Louis wants to be a _thing_. But it is. And it's a big thing, because goddammit, Liam's mouth is Louis' favorite – granted, everything of Liam's is Louis' favorite, and the fact that he has to constantly part with it – well, it's annoying as fuck.

And it keeps _happening_. At JFK, at LAX, sometimes at whatever hotel or Liam's place because Louis is too goddamn busy to even say goodbye fully. He can't decide if the worst is all the phone calls and video chats, or the physical departure. He thinks it might be the phone and video calls, because he can see Liam, he can see hear Liam, but he can't touch Liam. Can't smell his cologne and detergent. Can't taste his beautifully pink sweet lips. His skin. Can't feel that either. Soft and smooth under the pads of Louis' fingertips, the tip of his tongue, the slide of his thighs. God, that's the _worst_. There's moments when he just wants to drop everything and run across the whole fucking nation if it'll mean he'll be rewarded with all of Liam. There and whole. Perfect and beautiful. His.

And he _loves_ that no one else knows. It's all theirs, their thing; no one else's, not the media's, not the fans', no one's. But he also hates it. Right now especially.

They've extended filming another two months and Louis has just about had it – it's been a month since he last touched Liam in his apartment – a _month_. He's very much not staring at pictures of Liam on his phone during this meeting either. Definitely not.

There's a break, and Louis explicitly intends to spend it on the phone with Liam, but Harry grabs his arm and yanks him around the corner of the conference room. He's got a wild look in his eyes and Louis is concerned. "What is it?"

"You do realize what the next topic in there is, right?" Harry wrings his hands together.

Louis really hadn't been paying attention at all.

"PR," Harry supplies, rolling his eyes.

"Okay? So? What does –" Louis stops. He clenches his fists. "No. _No_. Harry, I – no. God, I can't –"

Harry places his hands on his shoulders. Louis feels the urge to cry. "It's okay. It won't be too bad. And Liam will understand."

Liam. Louis chokes back on a sob. His throat feels hot and angry. "No. No. You have to tell them I'm not doing it. I _can't_ , Harry."

"I'm sorry, Lou," Harry says. "I tried. They won't listen to me."

Louis wants to throw something. He settles for clutching Harry's shirt. "I can't lie," he whispers into Harry's shoulder.

Harry rubs a hand over his back. "I know, Lou. I'm sorry. But unless you want to come out, there's really no way to convince them."

God, Louis wants to vomit. He wants to curl into himself in his bathtub and never, ever leave. He wants – he wants Liam. He wants to not be so fucking gay and so fucking gone. He wants to be open about it all. He wants it all to himself. He wants it all to be okay. He wants his mom.

He doesn’t let the tears fall, just hyperventilates against Harry until he calms down enough. It's his job, he tells himself. He has to. But God, he doesn't want to. He nods against Harry's chest and Harry kisses the top of his head.

"Alright?"

"Yeah," Louis exhales, composing himself.

They walk back into the conference room and it's presumably the absolute worst hour of his life.

The paparazzi have been too concerned with Louis recently, following him around to and fro meeting with Liam, getting scarily closer to obtaining a clear pic of Liam each time. Or where he lives, or something that would give them away. And apparently even with all the press tours, _Guess Again_ hasn't been getting the best feedback, or it's been overshadowed. And on top of that Louis needs more positive media coverage for Oscar nominations and other potential films. Louis doesn’t want anything offered because of something like this. It's stupid. It's unnecessary. It's insulting. It's Hollywood.

In the end, they pick some VS Angel, who is apparently a lot of buzz right now for stealing the show during some fashion week as an up and coming model. Not that Louis cares, nor does his management care about what he thinks. Louis' set to meet her for dinner tomorrow night – which means he has to cancel his Skype plans with Liam – and it's supposed to blossom into a beautiful and gratifying, at least three month long "relationship." Louis hates this company. He promised himself he would never lie like this – he and Harry have managed to avoid something like this for years. But he can't escape it this time. Of course, he's been papped out with friends that are girls, and linked to multiple others, but he's never commented on them, or misled anyone into thinking it was more than it was. But, this. This is vile. This is everything Louis isn't. He hates it. He hates not telling. But he just – he's not ready. He _can't_. But he can't lie, after all that happened when he was a teenager, he just can't go through that again.

As soon as the meeting's over, he runs out of there as fast as he can. Alberto's waiting in the van for him and he tells him to pull away before he even has his seatbelt on. Louis tries to control his rage, and pulls out his phone.

_can we skype tonight instead?_

_sureeeee :D_

Louis wants to die. His heart shatters. He's maxed out, he's crumbling.

And he's so in love.

It only took him about a month to come to this conclusion, and five and a half to not be scared by it. Well, he's actually so terrified, but not for that reason anymore. He's in love with Liam, and that's really fucking – that's… he'll just leave it there for now.

Louis checks the time. _how does 5 sound?_

 _5:30????_ Liam replies, adding his signature style even to something with no words.

 _see u then :)_ He adds the kissing emoji as well.

Liam sends back the waving hand, a heart, and the kissy face as well – Louis snorts. Liam is the only 26 year old in the world who would attempt to catch a kiss through text. Louis' heart lurches.

He spends about two hours after getting back to the hotel trying to convince himself that it's going to be okay. It's not completely awful. He doesn't have to _say_ anything about this – just not say anything at all when asked if he's dating this girl. It's – Louis' good at avoiding things. Usually, it all turns to shit at some point, but. He'll deal with that later.

Liam's already logged on by the time Louis pulls himself together, but apparently he didn't do that good of a job because when the connection goes through Liam immediately asks, "What's wrong?" And his eyes are impossibly huge and his eyebrows dip in concern and Louis – he _can't_ cry. He has to hold it in. Which, makes his eyes well up, of course.

His throat is thick when he speaks. "Liam." He doesn’t get much farther than that, though.

"What is it?" Liam asks softly, but Louis can see the fear in his eyes and rising chest. "Oh, God, Louis –"

"No, that's not – I'm not calling you for that." Louis wishes Liam's first conclusion wouldn't be that Louis was going to break up with him – because that definitely would never happen. "I – I just need to talk to you about something. That's all." It seems so simple but it's so loaded.

"Oh. Okay." Liam breathes. "What is it? Something happen at your meeting?"

Louis bites his lip. "Yeah." He could barely hear himself speak. "I – well, they want me –" Louis exhales. It'll be fine. It's _Liam_ for Christ's sake. "My PR team want me to be seen out more – not sneaking off like I have been." He looks up and Liam is nodding slowly, a confused frown on his face. "More promo needs to be done, basically, so… they want me to date someone. Or at least pretend to. A girl."

Liam stops moving for a while and Louis thinks the screen is frozen, but then Liam blinks and nods. "Well. Um, okay. I mean – if it's going to help you out – like your movies and stuff, then, like, I understand. Sorta. But –" he stares off for a moment and Louis can see the veins in his arms and neck. "That's fucking ridiculous!" He's angry. Louis doesn’t think he's ever seen angry Liam before. He's not sure what to do with it. "How could they do that to you? That's disgusting. What the hell?"

"It's Hollywood," Louis offers up weakly. God, he wants so much to just touch any part of Liam right now.

"It's terrible." He pauses, looking over Louis. "Louis… Louis, I'm so sorry. Are you okay? It won't be too bad, you just have to – have to think of the bigger picture." Liam's put his hand up to the screen. Louis does the same. He knows they won’t actually match up, but it's something.

"I just –"

"You're not lying to anyone."

And, _that's_. That's bullshit. He pulls his hand back. "Yes, I am! I'm letting people think I'm something I'm not – I'm not being honest with my fans. I'm –"

"It's out of your hands, Louis. You have to; you signed a contract. You can't exactly stop them. And it's much more important to be comfortable yourself than to just tell the truth to tell it. And you know it." Liam's voice is stern; Louis frowns. "I know you hate it – I do, too – but. It is what it is. It's okay, that you're not ready. And you shouldn’t feel pressured to be. This will all be fine. Your fans will stick by you, when you are ready. And you can tell them all about this. As for right now, you don't have to lie to anyone – you can just, omit information. It's all okay. You're still a great person, Lou. And a lot of people's favorites, I know you're mine."

Louis almost blurts it. He wants to scream it out right then and there – just let Liam _know_ exactly how he makes him feel, how much he never wants to let him go. But – he wants to hold Liam more than anything. Kiss his neck and pinch his sides and breathe him in. He can't possibly tell him he loves him like this. Without touch. That's not what they are. They won't be reduced to phone calls and text messages.

"I guess you're alright," he says instead, because joking's easier, and Liam's laugh is worth it. "I wish this wasn't happening." Louis feels so small.

"I know. Me too. But it'll be fine. We'll be fine." He offers Louis a smile and Louis tries not to cry again. _God_. "Who is it?"

Louis shrugs. "Some model. Our first 'date' is tomorrow." Louis rolls his eyes.

"Are you going to tell her?"

"Probably. Maybe not. Who knows. She'll probably already know it's a PR stunt, so. If she asks, then yeah. She needs the publicity, too, so I don't think she'll tell anyways."

Liam nods once. "Are you sure you're alright?"

Louis sighs. "I will be. Can you fly out soon?"

Liam shakes his head somberly but then he's grinning. "I – Actually, I wanted to tell you – I got a regular gig now."

"Liam! That's so great. I'm so happy for you. Where?" Louis lives for Liam's smile and blush.

"A café downtown. Niall called in a few favors. But it's – it's good, yeah. Pays better than freelance," he laughs. "Especially now that Zayn's moved out," he frowns – right, Louis had forgotten about that; it was a couple of months ago. "But it just means a tighter schedule. And I don't think I should take any time off now since I just started."

Louis pouts, heart dropping. "Yeah, okay. I understand. I'm proud of you, you know. You're gonna do great out there."

Liam beams. "Thank you."

They talk for a little while longer about anything just to keep the conversation going. Louis tells him they might be done earlier than anticipated with filming and Liam tells him he finally told his parents about them – by accident, of course, but they were still thrilled. Liam says he doesn't know if they've really processed who Louis is or if they're still just stuck on the fact that Liam's found someone. Louis really likes that – he's 'someone.' He's someone to Liam and his parents and his friends know and are about as happy for him as how happy Liam makes Louis.

He misses him too much.

He really feels it about twenty minutes later when he's collapsed and spent in his chair, watching the furrow in Liam's brow and the way his bottom lip turns white under the pressure of his teeth as we works himself closer to release. He's whispering Louis' name in tiny grunts and Louis wants so much to reach out and touch him, anything to pull Liam over the edge.

He's so beautiful.

"Miss you," Liam says about five minutes after he's finished, a pink flush to his cheeks and eyes blown.

"I miss you, too," Louis says, feeling his gut twist with it. "I'm gonna find a way to get over there soon, alright?"

"I don't want you to get in trouble for me," Liam tells him, eyes soft. "It's okay. I'll see you when we can." He puts his hand back up on the screen. Louis does the same, although it's nothing compared to actually fitting their fingers together.

There's so much Louis wants to say.

"Hey," Liam begins, a smile forming on his face. "Happy six months."

Louis pauses, exhaling. He's right. "Shit," he whispers, overwhelmed. He can't do it anymore. "I love you."

Liam – Louis didn't think it was possible, but he's actually glowing and looking more beautiful than ever. Louis' heart races. The dimple in Liam's cheek presents itself. "I love you, Lou."

Louis' not sure what to do with himself, so he closes his laptop and ends the call.

"Fuck." He rests his head on his computer. He should've waited, should be holding him right now, should have his mouth on every part of Liam's body. But. _But_ he just – fuck, he had to say it. He had to. Everything inside Louis feels like it's on fire. This man is going to kill him.

He calls his mom.

"Is it wrong to be totally in love with someone you never get to see?" is his greeting.

"Oh, honey. Nothing about love is wrong. You have a right to your feelings." She's using that tone she used to always do that automatically made Louis feel better about everything. It's not working this time, though.

"But it's not fair, is it? How am I supposed to show him how I feel if I can never see him? How are we supposed to be a real… couple if we're always apart?" Louis feels a giant weight press him farther into the bed.

"Louis, relationships aren’t about proximity. Look at us, are we any less of a family because you're over there filming and the girls are off at college? Do you still love us like you did when you were here?"

"Of course –"

"Then there's no problem," she tells him, simply, voice firm. "If you're in love with Liam then nothing else should matter. It won't change the way you feel, will it?"

"I guess not," he sighs, flopping onto his back. "I miss him a lot."

"I know you do, baby. It's hard, isn't it?"

"I didn't think it'd be like this," Louis admits.

"But that doesn’t make it any less worth it." There's a sound like she switches the phone to her other ear. "That's the thing about relationships – no one knows where they're heading. But you two are on a good track, alright? If you care that much for each other, you'll make it work. No matter what."

God, Louis feels about twelve. And how many times is he going to hear _that_. "I wish we didn't have to go through all of this, though."

"The hiding or the distance?" she asks.

"Both. But I'm – fuck. He has to go through so much for me, I don’t – how is that – I'm trying, Mom, I am. But I –"

"But, nothing," she cuts him off. "You have nothing to feel bad about, Louis. If you're not ready, you're not ready."

Louis waits a beat. He picks at his shirt. "Maybe I am."

"Are you really?"

Louis doesn’t even have to consider that to know, no, he's really, really not. Maybe one less really, though. But – fuck. "They want me to date some girl, Mom."

She exhales. "I'm sorry, honey. Did you talk to Liam about it?"

"Yeah. And he already told me all you're about to so you don't have to waste your breath." He wishes neither of them knew what was going on in his head so much.

"Good. See, I like him."

Louis laughs. "Yeah, me too." Then, "I really don't want to do it. But I don’t really have any other options, do I?"

"I'm sorry, Lou." Then there's some sort of crash. His mom sighs. "Toddlers. Have to go wrangle them. You know they're worse than you were?"

"Impossible," Louis jokes. "Bye, Mom. Love you."

"Love you, too. Sure you're alright?"

Louis nods even though she can't see him. "Yeah, 'm okay. Gonna go bother Harry now."

She chuckles and hangs up.

Harry isn’t there.

+

Liam comes home from what he thinks is probably the best gig of his career. The crowd was soaking his set up, his vocals were sharper than ever, his guitar was perfectly tuned. He pulled in about forty dollars extra in tips. It was perfect.

He's humming happily to himself when he walks into the apartment, but stops when he sees Niall staring at him. "What's going on?" Niall looks extremely worried; Niall is never worried.

"Liam…." He glances around. "I don’t know how to tell you this." He walks closer to Liam.

"What is it, Niall? You're scaring me." He drops his guitar case on the floor and tosses his keys on the counter.

Niall pulls a magazine from behind his back. Louis is on the cover.

_'Louis Tomlinson's NEW love: EXCLUSIVE Details on His Date with Victoria's Secret Angel Gabriela Rowland and Their Get Away to Tomlinson's Hotel'_

Oh. _Oh._

"Liam, I'm so sorry. Do you want to sit down? Come here. I'm so sorry." Niall has his arms wrapped around him before Liam can even lift his head.

"Niall," Liam starts, trying to get out of his grasp. "Niall, please. I'm fine. It's just a PR stunt."

Niall pulls back, eyebrows furrowed. "What?"

"It's not a real relationship; they're just making him get more promo," Liam explains, trying not be angry about it. He still can't believe they would actually make Louis do something like that, when they know full well how unhappy and uncomfortable it would make him. Liam wants to punch whoever runs that company.

"Huh," Niall says, staring past Liam. "What kind of fuckery is that?"

Liam just shrugs. He'll never understand Hollywood. Which should probably concern him as an aspiring singer, but whatever. "Speaking of, gotta video chat, like –" he checks the time – "now."

Niall waves him off and makes annoying kissy noises. Liam recedes into his room and closes the door. He hasn't been able to video chat with Louis since last week.

When Louis told him he loved him.

And then hung up.

It's not that Liam was offended or anything. He just – he knew that Louis was still upset about his label and he hated that they didn't end with Liam knowing he was alright. He hated that he couldn't be there to hold him close to his chest and keep him safe. He hated that he couldn't kiss him senseless after he told him he loved him, too. But at least he knows, at least he's said it, and Liam won’t be afraid to accidentally blurt it out anymore.

Never in all his life did he think he'd actually be in love with Louis Tomlinson, and have the feeling reciprocated.

He boots up his laptop about five minutes later than he was supposed to be online, but he figures it's okay because Louis still hasn't logged on. Liam changes out of his clothes from earlier while he waits, taking his time in case Louis decides to come on while Liam's got his shirt off. Not that he's trying to tease Louis or anything, that's just cruel. And if Liam's shirt is still laying next to him ten minutes later while he's still waiting for Louis then that's just nobody's business.

The doorbell rings. "Niall, could you get that!" Liam shouts.

"Kinda busy, here!" he yells back; Liam figures he's in the bathroom. He sighs.

Pulling on his shirt, he walks out to get the door. He hopes it's food Niall's ordered he didn’t tell him about, otherwise he doesn’t really care who’s behind it. He opens the door and –

"Thank God," Louis breathes, pushing Liam between him and the wall. He smashes his lips to Liam's and grabs tightly at his shirt. It takes Liam a moment, or several, to process _Louis_  before he grips his sides and slides his tongue between his lips. "Fuck," Louis whispers, nipping at Liam's neck.

Liam tightens his grip around his waist, pressing their bodies as close as can be. He breathes in Louis – the denim of his jacket, the scent of his cologne, the waft of his hair product. _God_ , he's missed him so much. He squeezes. "I missed you so much."

Louis claws at Liam's chest and speaks into his nape. "I know, I – shit, I missed y – I love you. I can’t believe I said it over Skype. I didn't – God, I've wanted to kiss you so bad. I'm so stupid. I love you. Let's – fuck, take your shirt off." He's fumbling with the hem of it while simultaneously keeping his lips attached to Liam's jaw line.

"Louis," Liam exhales, trying not to get so obviously hard. "I –" He reaches to cup Louis' face in his hands and kisses him deep, lips slotted together effortlessly. Louis stills under his touch, mouth working with his.  This is everything Liam's been wanting for almost two months. Just Louis here – under his fingertips, fitted with him, hands on him. _Here_. He's never wanted anything as much as he's wanted Louis. Stopping to breathe, he rests his forehead against Louis', Louis still pecking lightly at and around his mouth. "I love you," Liam whispers.

Louis swallows and nods. "I – I want to suck you off."

Liam's breath hitches. It's been _so long_ – "Yes." He pulls him to his bedroom, passing a confused Niall on the way. He tries to offer his greeting to Louis but the door is shut before he can finish.

Louis straddles Liam's hips and rips his shirt off and licks along his chest and Liam could really come just from that. _This_ is so – he's needed it. He rocks their hips together and sucks a bruise onto Louis' neck. His skin is so wonderful. He circles his thumbs around Louis' waist.

Louis blows him against the pillows, his tongue making Liam fidget and kick before he finally comes. He does his best to get Louis off with flicks of his wrists and pumps of his hand but he figures he probably could've just poked Louis and he would've unloaded – he was that worked up. Liam knows the feeling. Liam later kisses Louis, fitted between Louis' bent legs as he fucks into him, Louis shaking underneath where Liam's torso rubs along his cock. Louis comes again, white hot between their flushed bodies and Liam collapses on top of him, still inside, when he's reached the edge.

They fall asleep like that, Liam a dead weight mostly on top of Louis. When he wakes up, they’re very, very sticky, and Liam regrets not getting up to clean off last night until he takes one look at Louis' sleeping frame. He's so fair and angelic, peaceful. Delicate. Beautiful. Liam kisses his nose.

Louis sniffles in his sleep, trying to adjust under Liam. Liam gently slides out and rolls onto his side, letting Louis curl up next to him. He's so lucky to love him. Threading his fingers through his hair, Liam spends the next few minutes admiring Louis. And when Louis wakes up he doesn’t try to hide it, just leans down and kisses him good morning. Louis hums into his mouth.

He looks too comfortable for Liam to expect him to be fully awake, so he lets Louis rest for a while longer and goes to clean them up. He has to get a fresh washcloth, and when he leaves his room, there's Niall, nonchalantly sipping his coffee and raising his eyebrows at Liam.

"Shut up," Liam says, going through the linen closet.

"I didn’t say anything," Niall defends, before breaking out into snickers. That really says it all, actually. Liam throws a beach towel at him. Niall laughs as he retreats back to his room.

Back to Louis, Liam wets the washcloth and runs it over Louis' torso, circling his chest and stomach lightly. He stirs in his sleep but is still mostly unconscious. Liam kisses his shoulder before cleaning himself off. He wants to take a shower, but he would like for Louis to join him, but he's too sticky and Louis is too tired. He doesn’t even know how long he's staying – he didn’t have any bags, then again, they've taken to mostly sharing each other's wardrobe when away so there's really no need for luggage.

It takes a while for the water to get warm, and he pulls the duvet over Louis' sleeping form and adds more coffee to the pot for them before he gets in. All Liam seems to be able to do is think about Louis, which he thinks might be unhealthy, but he's in love, give him a break. He just – he hates how their schedules are drifting further apart. He knows Louis will be done filming soon, but who knows what will happen after that. And Liam's music – it's. Well, it's going _somewhere_. Up, down, forwards, backwards, he's not really sure, but he has a feeling something big is going to happen soon, so. Hopefully it's all good and it all works out for him. For them. God, Liam wants to spend every day by Louis' side. But he knew what he signed up for. And who knows, maybe one day he'll finally be able to. Have Louis all too himself. He feels selfish for thinking so, but. He just wants to wake up next to the man he loves every day.

Louis' awake when Liam gets out of the shower, apparently affronted Liam didn't invite him in with him.

"You looked so cozy, I couldn't," Liam explains, grabbing his wrists in either hand. "Good morning."

Louis grins. "Good morning." Liam kisses him again.

He doesn’t want to, but he has to ask – "How long?"

Louis sighs. "Tonight. I – I just had to see you. It wasn't smart, and Harry's gonna kill me when he finds out I'm not in New York, but I –"

"Shh," Liam whispers, pressing the pad of his thumb against the corner of his mouth. "It's okay. I'm glad you're here."

"Love you," Louis admits in all but a whisper.

"Love you, too," Liam says, pressing a kiss to his forehead. "So you snuck off to L.A. for me? That's hot."

Louis snorts. "I know right? Kind of like a forbidden love." He overdramatically and in all ways not seductively bites his lip and Liam laughs, pushing him back on the bed. "I didn't even tell Alberto."

And that's – that's not good, actually. " _Louis!_ " Liam stands over him. "What the hell? _That's dangerous!_ You can’t just go flying across the country without at _least_ telling Alberto! He's called your security guard for a reason. I can't – what if something happened –"

Louis outright groans, covering his face with his hands. " _This_ is why I didn’t tell Harry. I don’t need this, Liam. I'm 28 years old, if I want to take a trip to visit my boyfriend then I very damned well am going to." There's a scowl on his face.

And, Liam – well. He _wants_ to tell him off. He – it was reckless. Liam is flattered, but concerned first. It was stupid, in all honesty. He doesn’t want anything done for him at Louis' expense; there's a lot more at stake for Louis than for Liam. If he's gonna go fucking off to L.A. without telling anyone, then. Then it's like all their sneaking around was for nothing. If Louis' not going to be careful then what was the point of all they've gone through?

But. But Louis is here, and he's right – he didn't come here for this. And Liam doesn’t want to spend their little time together arguing. And he really can't deny that he would do the same thing. So, he sighs and drops it, but there's still a frown on his face when he goes to lie down next to Louis.

Louis rests his hand over top of Liam's. "You're mad."

 _Yes_. "No, I – you're a big boy, you can make your own decisions. And like I said, I'm glad you're here." Louis squeezes his hand. "But you should at least check in with someone."

Then, of course, Liam's phone begins to buzz uncontrollably. He sits up to grab it, multiple texts from Harry showing up. Louis sees his screen and groans again, crawling over to get his own from his back pants' pocket.

"He's really gonna rip me a new one. Mad Harry is the worst Harry."

Liam slides his arm across Louis' back and wraps himself around him, biting at his shoulder. He should never put a shirt on, again, Liam thinks.

When Louis' phone boots up, it's immediately overtaken with 27 texts and 40 missed calls from Harry. Louis doesn’t even open them or listen to the messages, just dials his number, a pinch between his brows. Liam kisses the vein in his neck.

Harry can yell really loud. Liam flinches when he starts; Louis just rests his head on the bed and puts the phone on speaker.

"What the _fuck_ , Louis? What do you think you're doing? You have an early shoot tomorrow! You didn’t even tell Alberto! I swear to fucking God I am going to put you on lockdown when you get back –"

Louis laughs.

"Don't think I _won't_. This is – I've had it, Lou. What the hell, are you trying to kill me?" His voice sounds strained.

"Maybe a little," Louis says softly, turning on his back under Liam's arm. "Look, I'm sorry. I just – you're on speaker, by the way."

Harry groans. "Hi, Liam. I should be yelling at you, too."

Liam tries to say something but Louis intervenes. "Don't Haz. He didn't do anything wrong. He didn't know. Even yelled at me some already."

Liam can hear Harry's grin. "Good. Keep him."

"I'm _trying_ ," Louis argues, looking at Liam with big blue eyes that don't match his tone. It's agitated, but his eyes are melancholic. There's cracks forming in Liam's heart.

He leans in and presses his lips to Louis' cheek, fluttering his eyelashes against the soft skin. "You've got me," he whispers.

Louis makes a noise in his throat, like a choked off whimper. He grips Liam's hand. His voice sounds watery when he speaks. "I – Look, Harry, I really have to kiss the shit out of my boyfriend right now, so if you could please put a hold on your managerial tirade – don't worry, I'm leaving tonight."

"Lou –"

Louis hangs up, tossing the phone who knows where and simultaneously leaning up to attach his lips with Liam's and straddle his hips.

Liam feels too much in this moment.

He grips Louis' bare skin with everything he has. He – Louis _has_ to know that he isn't going to lose Liam. Not any time soon. Liam's here for a reason. He's going to stay with Louis even if it kills him. He just told him he _loves_ him for Christ's sake, he meant it. He's not going anywhere. He's willing to try as long as Louis is – and they've been doing that together for over six months. He thinks he's been succeeding pretty well.

Louis' body melts into his and they become even more bound together than before – every inch of skin, nuance of touch, bruise of kiss. Louis' toes curl into Liam's calf when his name slips off his lips and Liam shakes into Louis as his head falls back under his tongue. Liam is exhausted with all that Louis is – a slow rhythm of breathing in Louis' kiss as he recollects himself. Louis is nestled into the crook of Liam's neck, pressing his lips to his collarbone with his exhales of breath. Liam keeps a hand on the small of his back and feels too impossibly lucky.

After a while of drifting in and out of sleep, Louis finds his way to the bathroom, leaving Liam's skin colder than it was.

There's a knock at the door. "So are you two interested in eating anything , or are you just going to fuck around all day?"

"Niall!" Liam groans. He throws a pillow at the door before belatedly realizing it's closed. "Urgh, open the door and grab that pillow and hit yourself with it. And then order a pizza." Fuck Louis' diet regime – if he's going to run away to L.A. then he can have a few slices of pizza.

"I'm only doing one of those things, Payno," Niall announces and then walks off.

"Did I hear pizza?" Louis asks brightly, coming out of the bathroom. "You know I'm not supposed to eat that." He comes over to Liam.

"Don't care. A few slices won't kill you," Liam says, mostly into the pillow.

"Rule-breaker," Louis teases. "Such a bad boy. I love it."

Liam flexes his arms in response and Louis falls into laughter. "Besides," Liam says, because he can't help himself, "if I don’t see you do it, then technically no one is at fault here."

"We can blame Niall," Louis says, kissing Liam's calf.

 Liam laughs."Exactly. All Niall's fault. You deserve a little pizza."

"You must really love me." Louis has a spark in his eye as he comes up next to Liam.

"Yeah," Liam says, reaching for his elbow. "I really do."

And when Louis kisses him he wonders how in the world he could _not_.

"So am I going to have to do this all by myself?" Niall calls through the door.

Louis giggles into Liam's neck as he responds, "Give us a minute, Ni."

"I've already given you thirty," Niall grumbles. "Hurry up before I eat it all."

"The scary thing is that's not a threat, it's a promise," Liam tells Louis.

"Guess we should get going." Louis pecks his lips quick before getting up off of Liam and the bed.

Louis gets dressed while Liam remakes the bed – which Louis makes fun of him for. Liam doesn’t care, he just likes things a certain way, that's all. And if that way is neat and tidy, then so be it. It's the least he can do, since he leaves most of his clothes on the floor. He gets dressed himself while Louis types away furiously at his phone.

"Even my mom's upset with me," Louis whines as they leave the room.

"She's just looking out for you. Like me, or Harry, or Alberto," Liam says, coming up to kitchen counter. Niall's off in the living space.

"But they're all paid to worry about me," Louis says, leaning on the fake marble.

"I'm not," Liam points out. "And you know your whole team would still care for you without getting paid for it." Liam's seen them interact; they're all like a giant, mismatched family.

"Probably wouldn't yell at me as much," Louis mumbles.

"Maybe if you didn’t act about twelve," Liam teases. Louis looks like he's going to argue, but drops it, shrugging. "Now, since the people who are paid to deal with you are probably going to kill me, you have to at least have water with your contraband pizza."

Louis rolls his eyes. "Fine."

Liam grins and hands him a bottle from the fridge, getting a soda for himself. Louis heads off to the couch with Niall while Liam gets napkins.

"Hey, is that my shirt?" Niall asks, frowning at Louis around his beer bottle.

Liam looks at it – some old band T-shirt that most likely did belong to Niall at some point. "Maybe. Haven’t seen it in forever, though."

Louis picks at it. "Found it in the back of your closet, Leem. It was the only medium thing in there." He's almost pouting. "Do you want it back? I can change," he offers Niall.

Niall looks offended. "No, no, you don’t have to. What's mine is Liam's. And yours. I was just wondering, that's all. Don’t mind sharing." He picks up a slice.

"If you're sure," Louis says, and Niall nods.

Liam hands Louis the greasiest slice of pepperoni there is. "Consider it your anniversary present."

Louis snorts but Liam still feels a pang of guilt. He didn’t get Louis anything. He knows they didn’t talk about it, but _still_. "Aw, it's going to put the guitar pick I got you to shame."

And – Liam whips his neck around. "Wait, you –"

"It's fine," Louis shrugs. "I know we didn't say anything. I just got it to get it actually, wasn't for anything. Other than I sort of like you," he jokes, making a face at Liam and bumping against him. "Left it in the hotel, though," he frowns.

Liam doesn’t feel any better about it. "Still, I should have –"

"Liam, please. This," he points to the pizza, "and that," he jabs his thumb to Liam's bedroom, "are present enough." Liam blushes and Niall gags. "You know," Louis starts, "I think you'd like my friend Harry, Niall. Has the exact same reaction to just about everything involving Liam. We should introduce them."

"God, no," Liam says, resting his forehead on Louis' shoulder. "It'd be your worst nightmare."

Louis reconsiders it, "Yeah, you're probably right. They're both awful."

"Hey," Niall whines. "Now I have to meet him."

"Maybe one day," Liam says, lifting up his head.

"Yeah, maybe one day," Louis repeats, eyes trained on Liam. Liam tries not to notice the pull in his heart.

They watch reruns of _Friends_ for a long time as there's apparently some marathon. Liam's really glad it's Sunday and he has no gigs today, he wouldn't want to miss Louis tucked under his arm and Niall's giant laugh in the background for anything. He probably would've cancelled if he did have one, anyhow.

Then, of course, when things get really comfortable – Niall beginning to nod off with pizza crust on his shirt, Liam's feet in his lap, and Louis giggling into Liam's side every now and then – Louis' phone beeps.

"Shit," he says, curling into Liam and sliding a hand across his chest. Liam knows what's happening.

"Do you have to?" Liam asks dumbly. Of course he does, he always does – he knows he does.

"Wish I didn't," Louis says against his pectoral. He kisses it through the fabric of Liam's T-shirt.

Liam rubs circles into Louis' back. "Want me to go to the airport with you?"

Louis nods, and then shakes his head. "Harry arranged for a car, it'll be here in a few minutes." He grips Liam's shirt tighter.

Liam takes his feet out of Niall's lap and tries to position themselves where Louis' mostly in Liam's lap. He rests his head against Louis' neck and plays with the hem of his shirt. He can feel Louis' pulse beating fast. "Love you," Liam says into his skin.

Louis nods again. "I should get going." Liam pulls back and tries really hard not to focus on Louis' set jaw or watery eyes. Louis climbs out of his lap and Liam wishes he didn't have to go soon. Leaning back down, Louis kisses Liam like he does every time he says goodbye –full, warm, sweet, soft, heart-wrenching. "Love you, too. I'll call you when I land." Liam nods against his cheeks, hand holding onto his arm as he slides away. Then he's gone.

Liam doesn’t know why this hurt more than the other times. Why it felt different, crumbling and absolute at the same time. He tries not to think about it too much when Niall's looking at him. Just puts his feet back in his lap and bites his lip to keep from crying.

+

It turns out, the bastard actually _does_ put Louis on lockdown. For two weeks. Louis hates Harry.

Except when he loves him, like when Harry let Louis cry into his shoulder upon return without saying anything. Harry's a good friend like that.

Even Gabriela could tell something was bothering him, and they're on a fake date. Granted, it's about the tenth time they've associated with each other, and some of them have been less than accidental. She's not awful – really funny and nice, actually. And hates this almost as much as Louis does, so they bond over that. He likes having someone to complain to who doesn't work for him and is not Liam. Although he'd rather recite the dictionary to Liam than do this – anything for his company.

"They want a smooch from us," Gabriela says when she slides in the chair across from Louis. He didn't even have time to stand.

"What?"

"A kiss. A big, fat one right outside when we leave. At least we can separate afterwards. I've got DVR to catch up on," she teases, pulling out her compact mirror and beginning to apply lipstick.

Louis tries not to have his chest cave in. "Fuck that," he growls." He's – no. He can do this, he can fake date without saying anything directly. But a kiss? No. that's saying way too much. And it's all a lie. Louis wants to light his label on fire.

"Louis? Are you okay? It doesn't have to be long, not even two seconds. Just enough for a camera flash," Gabi explains, focusing on him.

"It's not –" Louis stops. Does he really want to have this conversation? "I just, am with someone. That's all."

"Really?" she asks, taking a sip of water. "Then why are they making you date me? Bring her along instead."

Louis shakes his head, fiddling with the napkin ring. "I can't."

"Why?" She wrinkles her nose up. "Oh, you don't want all the paps knowing her name? Well, that's cute. I understand." She offers him a smile.

"No, that's – well, yeah, but…" He doesn't know why he does it. "Him, actually. I don’t want them knowing his name."

Gabriela doesn't even flinch. "Oh, Louis. I'm sorry." She reaches a hand across the table and squeezes his. "This must be awful for you."

He smiles at her. "Not completely."

Her eyes brighten a little and the waiter comes to take their drinks. When he's gone she says, "Well, tell me about him. At least we'll be able to get a good smile on your face tonight."

Louis glances around. The restaurant is pretty dim, and there're no windows nearby. "There aren't any paps," he frowns.

"I'm not talking about for them," she says simply, relaxing in her seat when the waiter comes back with their drinks. Louis pretends not to notice that look in his eye – he knows who they are and is failing horrendously at hiding it. He'll probably tweet about them from the kitchen.

Talking about Liam just makes it worse, really. He's happy to talk about him, of course, but. It leaves this gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach trying to claw its way through Louis. He feels split in two, his professional self and his real self. From the beginning he told himself that he would always keep the two in harmony – he wouldn't be anything other than true in this business, and he honestly doesn’t think he would've made it this far if he hadn't been. He wasn’t going to give himself up for a job, which is exactly what he's doing right here, sitting across the table from Gabriela, completely in love with Liam.

He hates himself for not being ready.

For being scared.

And he hates himself for talking himself out of it every time even more.

This is not what he wanted when he set out to make it in Hollywood. This isn't what sixteen-year-old Louis crippled with fear under his bed sheets would want. He really thought he was past this.

He must start to drift into the bitter side of it all, or his face gives it away, because Gabi changes the subject right before their pasta arrives and then they don't really talk at all.

He holds her hand on the way out, because that's really not hard at all, even with the blinding camera flashes, and he kind of needs it. Her van is waiting down the block and Louis walks her there first, trying to look like he enjoyed himself. All he wants to do is crawl under the covers and never come out.

 _Never come out_. Louis gulps.

He hugs her goodbye, expecting that kiss, but there's only the pressure of her lips against his cheek before she's gone. Louis genuinely smiles at that, glad he can trust her. He supposes the happy look on his face will be enough compensation for the lack of a 'big smooch.'

Harry hugs him tight when he gets back to the hotel, whispering apologies into his hair. Louis doesn’t Skype Liam that night, just falls asleep instead.

And he wakes up feeling worse because he knows he has to be cheerful on set and he knows his life is going in a downward spiral and he knows he shouldn't have stood Liam up. He tries calling him but it's too early, so he leaves a voicemail. He really means it when he says he loves him – so much it hurts.

Louis feels like complete shit for about a week, until Harry apparently can't take it anymore and drags him to Coney Island and demands that Louis smile. Louis does, basically whole-heartedly because Harry really is the best sometimes. And pretending they're not closer to thirty than twenty and goofing off in an amusement park is always a great way to spend the day.

He wishes he could take Liam, though.

He snaps a pic of Harry and him and sends it to Liam. He doesn't really know why – just something to share. He really wants Liam here by his side.

And Louis feels better after all the funnel cakes and cotton candy and carnival rides and general side effects of being with a happy Harry Styles. Not great, but better. Harry tries not to be smug about it.

For the next few weeks he tries to keep it together, Skyping with Liam almost every night. Sometimes Niall's there, and they do a song for Louis or just talk with him. Throughout the days, Liam's sent him videos of him performing, sometimes originals, sometimes covers, sometimes with Niall, sometimes without.

But those nights they try to get off, Louis can't get excited like he used to. He's been pretending to come the same time as Liam so he won't notice, but Louis' pretty sure he does. It's not the same as actually touching Liam, actually having his mouth wrapped around him, actually gripping his hips as he slides into Louis – which are all a luxury at this point in Louis' life. Career. He just – he can't get into the mood, and tries not to frown about it. He tells himself he just misses Liam, is all. Just needs to be with him for real one more time. Some part of Louis knows that's not true.

Liam doesn't say anything, but Louis knows it's on his mind. He hates doing that to Liam – if there's one person he should talk to about all that’s going on in his head, it's Liam. But he just can't. Actually, he probably talks about it with Gabriela the most, which is somewhat frightening.

Liam knows Louis told her, and he asks about how it's all going almost every time they talk. Louis tries not to get angry by it, but he'd really rather not talk about reasons he can't be with Liam, with Liam, and he gets really frustrated. He's too stressed for this.

So much so that he logs off and doesn’t talk to Liam for two days (which is probably the worst idea of his life).

But then Liam shows up and is basically groveling, apologizing for all the things he didn’t do wrong and Louis breaks. He kisses Liam raw and Liam lets Louis fuck him this time, and Louis all but cries with it. He lays there with Liam for hours afterwards, mumbling nonsense apologies and nothings into his chest as he tries not to sob, Liam shushing him lightly and caressing the back of his head.

Louis wonders what would've happened if he had never gone to the bar that night, almost a year ago. He wouldn't be feeling like this, for sure. But he wouldn't have Liam, and for the first time he's beginning to doubt that it's worth it.

He calls in sick the next day and reminds himself of all the reasons that he's wrong for thinking that, curled up in Liam's frame. Liam's being careful with him, he knows, and Louis' not sure what to make of it. He feels like a time bomb though, and he really doesn’t want Liam to be caught in his mess. Their relationship was never supposed to turn into them tiptoeing around each other.

Harry tries to yell at him for skipping, but he physically can't, just kisses Louis' head with a frown and sympathy in his green eyes and leaves, sharing a look with Liam Louis is too exhausted to decipher.

And then Gabi comes over, which Louis really wasn't expecting. And she and Liam get along well, almost perfectly, which Louis isn’t surprised about. But it's not like it doesn't make him want to scream. He feels like he's being pulled apart, watching them interact. Two different parts of Louis' life fucking him completely over, and he can't take it. He really can't. He doesn't mean to lock himself in the bathroom until she leaves. But he really did.

Liam tells him he's being rude while also doing everything he can to make sure Louis is okay. Which is moot, because he's really, really not.

And he _really_ doesn't mean to stay hidden in the bathroom until Liam has to leave for his plane. But it was easier.

Louis feels destroyed. He feels like this is someone else living his life; it's like his dream is becoming real at the expense of his soul. He doesn't know what to do.

He totally means to cry himself to sleep on the tile of the bathroom floor, though.

But dreaming about being married to Liam with two kids and a dog in a house in the suburbs was a total accident.

+

Liam didn't mean for it to happen. It was just – coincidence. He's not trying to avoid Louis, although that's probably better than trying to talk with him, at this point.

 _God_ , Liam hates that he thinks that. He hates that they've come to this. He just – he doesn’t know what to do.

Not like he's had the time to figure that out anyways. His gigs have been more demanding and frequent than usual, and he keeps signing on for more. He's not purposefully trying to avoid Louis, it's just – maybe he is. He gulps. His heart feels a little blackened at the thought. But he has real reasons – they're – he's being scouted. The other day, some producer was in town and saw his gig and – well, something actually went right for Liam for once. But the thing he wants to go right the most is crumbling with 3,000 miles making the cracks.

And he can't even tell Louis. He wants to – he's the person he wants to share it with the most, but. The past month and a half has been a whirlwind of just, just nothing. Liam is raw with the effort of trying to keep Louis afloat, trying to keep them afloat.

And he knows what the problem is, knows why Louis' been acting this way. It really hurts Liam to see; it's like every time he's there Louis is either crying or ridiculously happy or a mix of both that has Liam waiting with bated breath for him to crack. He's – he's not going to pressure Louis. He's _not_. It's just – he wishes they were past this. Louis is afraid and Liam doesn’t know how to help him, and he's terrified of what Louis might do. He's – he loves Louis. He does. And he knows Louis does, too. That's all Liam has as a tether right now. Because Louis is everywhere and stationary all at the same time and he's been weird and silly and sad and affectionate and…Liam's. Liam's. Liam doesn’t want to be afraid of losing him, he doesn't. But he is. And he never thought it would come to this.

He just _doesn't know_ anymore.

And Julian from the studio isn't really here for all of Liam's mess, and Liam feels awful that he finally got his big break (probably) and he's too worried about Louis to deal with it the way he should. It's getting to be too much. And splitting his energy between the two doesn't work, just stresses him out more. Thinking all about Louis isn't good for his health, either; but it's just a little bit worse than not thinking about him at all, so he tries that.

He feels like a teenager again, afraid and throwing himself into his music. All his energy focused on one thing so he doesn’t shrivel into nothing and burst into tears. He – he _can't_ give up on Louis. He doesn’t want to. Never in a million years. But he's not sure what he would do if he knew Louis had already given up. They agreed they were willing to try as long as the other was, and Liam honestly thought they were past the trying and were just being. Because they both wanted to. But if Louis doesn’t want… Liam tears himself away from that. He _can't_.

Niall knows something's wrong, but he doesn’t say anything. Liam wonders if he really looks that bad – like he's going to collapse with just a small gust of wind. Probably. He feels awful. But – this is better than… something. Maybe. Maybe not. And Niall's too good a friend to prod, but Liam can tell it's taking everything in him to _not_ , and it just makes it all worse. He lets Niall hug him when he wants and he tries to spend a lot of time with him – for both their sakes' – but Liam can't really remember the last time he left his bed other than to go to the bathroom or work.

He texts Louis still, of course. There's no way he could not. But. It's not the same. It's choppy and short. Like two robots texting instead of – of them. All they've built seems to have disintegrated somewhere. Liam tries not to cry at that either.

When Louis asks him to fly out and Liam can, he shouldn't but he does. He beats himself up about it when he packs and is on the plane, bites his lip over it when Louis hugs him close before stripping his clothes away. Liam just – they don't talk about it. They barely talk at all. It seems like he's only there to get Louis off. Liam hates feeling like that. They catch each other up on all that's happened since they last saw each other, of course, nothing more than time fillers, though. Louis tells him with a more bitter than sweet edge to his voice all the dates and outings he's had to have with Gabi – Liam knows Louis is hanging by a thread that rips more and more with the weight of each mention of what he has to do with her. He wants to help ease Louis some, he just. Doesn’t know if it's his place anymore. And when Louis asks Liam about his music, Liam says nothing more than usual. He doesn't tell him he's in the works of getting a record deal – maybe.

Liam tries for better conversation through the flicks of his tongue and drags of his teeth and the sweat that pools between his eyebrows, but. Louis isn't listening. Liam's not sure it would be different with actual words.

They continue on like this for a while, and Liam can’t say it's not killing him. But he knows he has to wait until Louis is ready – he's never going to push him into anything. But it's just so – he wishes it was over with already. Louis has to make the call, he knows. Liam wishes it wasn’t this way, but everything here is riding on Louis and Liam just can't – he just can't.

And then there's about two weeks left of Louis filming, and he calls Liam. His voice is shaky but he sounds…hopeful? Liam can't pin it, and he's so desperately worried, or maybe just desperate, and he tells Louis he'll be on the next flight over.

He cancels his studio sessions for the next week, which neither he nor Julian is too thrilled about, but – this is more important than anything.

Liam wonders when Louis became worth more than his dream.

+

Louis wants to shit himself.

And then curl up in a ball in his old bedroom and never, ever leave.

After his breakdown on set the other day, they put him on a kind of sabbatical, keeping him in his hotel room to wallow. Harry exchanged a very angry phone call with the label, consisting mostly of, 'You don’t see what this is doing to him, you can't expect him to pretend to be something he's not so you can make money off of it! He's a person and you're destroying him.' Harry almost got fired, but Louis knows he would do it again in a heartbeat. He loves Harry; he's too good to him, and Louis is breaking.

They agreed on an 'amicable break up' to hit the media in the week, but that doesn’t solve anything, really. Gabriela wasn’t really Louis' problem.

He's gay, is the problem.

And he – _God_ , he knows he has to, but – fuck, he wants to puke up everything inside him. He's just – he can't face that – it's not – he's not – he _can't_. This is much worse than how he felt in sophomore year. Because now he has Liam, and he's so fucking in love it's killing him. It's not fair to Liam, to have to go through all of this for Louis. But Louis just doesn’t know what to do anymore.

He just – he needs Liam here, that's all. He'll be better. He can do it. Liam's arms wrapped around him will calm him. Hopefully.

When Liam gets to him he practically throws himself at him, mumbling 'love you's and 'missed you's and 'I'm so fucking sorry's into his skin. Liam kisses him and tells him it's alright, as long as Louis' okay. Louis swallows down the fact that he's very _not_ okay, and licks into Liam's mouth with almost all of his heart.

He knows there's something on Liam's mind, but Louis can't seem to find the energy to take the chance that it's everything he's been avoiding. So, he just curls up into Liam after, naked and sweaty, feigning sleep so Liam won't say. He can feel the frown on Liam's face through his heartbeat under Louis' ear, but he stays quiet. So does Louis. He might chew the inside of his cheek raw with worry, though.

Liam stays for a while, and Louis is such a coward that whenever Liam opens his mouth to speak Louis slots his lips with his and grinds down to distract him long enough to forget that Louis is a fucking mess. He didn’t even tell Liam they kicked him off set.

Turns out, he doesn’t have to. While he's showering, Harry comes in to talk to Liam, apparently, because Liam has his arms crossed and his jaw set but his eyes are wide and soft when Louis comes out of the bathroom.

"You said you were okay," Liam accuses, eyes losing their glisten. His throat bobs. "You – you had a breakdown on set and they sent you away. That is _not_ okay, Louis."

Liam strides over to him and holds Louis' shoulders under his large hands, massaging circles into the tension. Louis carries so much there. "It's fine," Louis tries, shrugging. "I just – tired." There's no way Liam will believe him.

He doesn’t. "Bullshit, Louis. Why –" his voice cracks. "Why didn’t you tell me?"

Because you only remind me of the problem, Louis thinks. And I love you too much to want to think about that. "It wasn’t a big deal, I just needed a nap. That's all."

Liam looks away for a moment, blinking a lot. He inhales deep. "Louis. I don’t want to – I know you're not – but if this is about Gabriela –"

"It's not about Gabi," Louis says. It's the only honest thing he's said so far. "Not anymore. I – Harry called management. I'm done with her. They're not going to make me do that anymore."

Liam looks exhausted when he tries to smile at Louis. "That's – that's great, Lou. Really." He pulls Louis into a hug, tickling at his back. Louis can't be foolish to believe it’s over that quickly. "I – uh. I have good news, too." Louis blinks. If Liam is trying, then he's going to as well.

"Yeah?" Louis asks, pulling back to look at him. His smile is actually sincere.

Liam nods, a tint to his cheeks. "Yeah. I – uh. I was, scouted? I – this producer is working with me – I could get a demo. Potentially. Then, you know, a deal. Full on." But Liam is grinning, even though his eyes are sad.

Louis doesn’t care. He – there's something burning in his chest. He surges forward and kisses Liam with it. "That's so – fuck, Liam, I knew you'd get it. I'm so proud of you. Fuck, that's so fantastic." Louis holds on to him with all he has.

Liam's mumbling into his neck, and then there's kissing and laughing and Louis feels something in his heart. He feels Liam.

Then there's just them.

Together, entwined, bare. Louis doesn’t mean it as a distraction this time – well, he never does, it just works out that way. But this – this is whole. Pure. Everything. His knuckles turn as white as the sheets he grips and his legs lock behind Liam like if they separate everything will fall apart at the seams. The seams are already fraying.

Liam's breath fans out over Louis' chest afterwards, nestled into his side and wrapped up with him; peacefully asleep. Louis' throat feels dry. He feels numb.

He has to. But he can't.

He barely sleeps and when Liam wakes up with happiness on his face Louis just – he _wants_ this. Every day. Wholly. He wants – he wants to walk around with Liam through the streets like any other couple would. He wants to go grocery shopping with Liam like it's nobody's business. He wants Liam on his arm at red carpets. He wants to give himself completely to Liam.

But he can't.

Not yet. Maybe ever.

And Liam doesn’t deserve this wait.

+

Liam doesn’t like the way Louis is looking at him. It's frightening. Terrifying. He thinks it's because he knows what's next and he's not sure what he can do to stop him.

Louis is sad. Liam knows. He wishes he could make him happy enough.

He presses kisses into Louis in hopes to appease him; wraps his arms around his torso and tries to act like Louis' body isn’t tense and rigid.

But then Louis pushes him away.

"Stop. I can't. I –" He climbs out of bed, tears collecting in his eyes. "I can't do this anymore."

Liam actually hears his heart crack. "Don’t say that. Lou –"

Louis sniffles. "Liam – I. I can't, I just _can't_. This isn’t right. It's not fair to you. I – there's no way we can still –"

"Louis, please." Liam tries not to cry. He gets out of bed, putting on at least his boxers. "Don't – I've been patient. I still can be. It's okay."

"No, it's not!"

"I don’t mind waiting." Liam tries to keep his voice steady, walking over to Louis. "I've – I would never make you do anything you don't –"

"I know!" Louis snaps, his arms flying out. One slaps Liam on the shoulder. "I know you would never. It doesn’t – it's not fair, Liam! I can't expect you to sit around and wait for me to get my shit together when – when you have all these opportunities knocking!"

"Louis, you know – you're important to me. I – I can do both." Louis shakes his head; Liam steps closer. "My career has nothing to do with you!"

"Are you going to be out?" Louis turns to him, eyes dark and red-rimmed.

"What?"

"If you're going to be out, it – it still wouldn't work. Even if everyone knows you're gay they won't know I am and we'll still have to hide it – it'll be an endless loop."

Liam thinks there's simple solution to that problem, but he doesn’t dare say it. He can't believe this. "Louis, don't – that's _bullshit_." Liam is angry now. How could Louis think that? Has he been thinking it this whole time? "That doesn’t – we'll figure it out. I don't have to be out. I –"

"That's not fair," Louis repeats. "I know you want to. You want to be completely honest."

"So do you," Liam points out, sitting on the bed. He doesn’t have the strength to stand.

"But you're braver than I am. I – I don’t want to keep you waiting. I'm not holding you back from everything you've worked for."

Liam clenches his fists, hot tears welling. "You could never hold me back. How could you say that? You're not a burden – I – I love you!"

"It's not enough," Louis says and Liam feels – he feels red. Angry, upset, bitter, irritated – sad. So fucking sad. "It's – it's too much. Too much to try." He's not looking at Liam when he speaks. "It's too –"

"So that's it?" Liam's voice cracks. "You're just going to give up because it's too hard?" He – he doesn’t know what to think.

Louis shrugs. "There's no point in dragging it out any longer, is there? All we've done for the past several months was pointless."

Liam feels like he's been punched. He stands. One last try. "Don't you love me?"

Louis is silent, his back to Liam. His shoulders shake before they drop, and Liam feels too big for his shriveling heart. He feels time slow with the curve of Louis' back as he turns to face Liam – eyes hard and arms crossed. "It's not enough."

That's it. Liam's heart snaps, his resolve crumbles. The tears fall. His throat is hot and Louis turns away again. Liam can hear him crying. He – if Louis doesn’t care then neither does he. He's not going to chase after a lost cause. He just. He thought they found all they needed. Apparently not.

Liam grabs his clothes and bag and pushes past Louis, sobbing when he opens the door. He digs into the side pocket and flicks the keycard at Louis. He – he doesn’t want to, but he's so angry. Disappointed. "Go fuck yourself. See if anyone else will give a damn about your shit. Coward."

Louis' mouth is hanging open as he runs out. He can't see through his tears – the past eight months pooling only to fall away. It was all for nothing.

He does his best to get dressed on the elevator, but he's pretty sure his shirt's on backwards and he doesn’t have any shoes. He doesn’t care.

And – fuck. There are paparazzi everywhere. But it's not until he gets to the lobby doors that he notices the blinding flashes. He – Liam knows they've seen him before, but they don't have his name, thank God. But they still yell things at him. They're loud and jarring and Liam is blinded by all the lights and shouts and tears. He – he can't deal with all of this. This is – it's not his problem anymore. He could out Louis right here for all it's worth, since apparently their relationship meant nothing. He's not with him anymore; he doesn’t have to be subjected to this. God, Liam wants to collapse.

He does his best to shove through them, trying not to think of everything he had to go through only to end up here. It doesn’t work. Hotel staff come and try to block him off and it's good enough for him to wriggle free and call a taxi.

He gets in doesn’t have the will to hold it in anymore; he breaks.

+

Louis sees Liam leave from his window. He sees the paparazzi but all he can care about is Liam – he's crying. Louis did that.

Liam was right. He is a coward. He knows that, but hearing Liam say it – _Liam_ of all people. It –

Liam reminds him of too much.

Louis felt numb before. Now he feels nothing.

+

Liam locks himself in his room. Niall bangs on the door for hours. Liam sobs for twice as long.

Niall eventually realizes he can unlock Liam's door and comes in and wraps his arms around him, rubbing his hand across his back, shushing into his hair. It takes Liam a long time to stop crying, and even then his throat is too raw for him to speak. He can't move. Everything is broken.

Zayn calls, which only makes Liam feel worse. He's not even _here_ and he's calling for Liam, too see what's wrong. To fix him. Liam knows Niall called him, but still.

And then. E! talks about him. Talks about how he's been spotted in and out of various hotels with Louis, how he always tries to hide his face, is almost always rushed somewhere by Louis' security guard, about how he was a sobbing mess yesterday.

They wonder if Louis' straight. They wonder if Liam's just a friend. They wonder if Liam's some hook up. They wonder if Louis cheated on Gabi – that announcement came out after Liam crawled his way to his bed last night. They're officially over. And so are the past eight months of his life.

Niall comes in after the episode airs, biting his lip and trying not to say it but saying it all. And Liam heard through the wall anyways. He chokes back a sob and Niall is right there, cheek against Liam's head and arms wrapped tight around him. "I'm so sorry, Liam." Then, after a few minutes of hyperventilating on Liam's part, "Want to tell me what happened?"

It takes Liam a moment, but he might as well. "We broke up." As if that much wasn’t obvious, and didn’t make him sound like a fourteen year old girl. "He's still not ready to come out, and doesn’t think I'm worth the wait, apparently. He gave up. Said our relationship meant nothing." _God_ , Liam wants to disappear. This wasn’t supposed to happen.

Niall's arms tighten around Liam. "Shit, Li," he breathes. "That – that's bullshit. Don't let him say that to you. You're – you deserve better than that. You are worth it, Leem. He's just afraid, he needs some time."

"'M not gonna give it to him anymore," Liam says, and he feels Niall start but he doesn’t say anything. "I'm not going to put myself through that just for him to do it all again. He's too afraid, and I'm past that." But he wants so bad to run back into his arms and wait an eternity, if it means he gets to spend it with Louis. He – he can't do that. He can’t waste his time like that. Can't give himself and get nothing in return. He's had enough vulnerability to last a life time. And if Louis isn’t going to try, then there's no reason he should.

Niall kisses the top of his head and squeezes Liam's shoulders. "How about I order Chinese and we watch every Christian Bale Batman there is?"

Liam actually smiles. "Sounds nice." He can do this. He can get past this. It's just a break up.

His heart fizzles when Niall leaves him alone in his room.

+

Harry keeps knocking but Louis doesn’t answer. His mom keeps calling and he doesn’t pick up. Tabloids keep harassing him and he doesn’t give in. He doesn’t do anything.

That is, until Alberto knocks his hotel door down and makes him shower and get back to set. Right – sabbatical's over. Louis has actual responsibilities. Priorities. Work first, feelings second. He's done it this way so far might as well keep going, no matter how fucked up he is.

Louis hates everything. Not as much as he hates himself, though.

He blows through his last few scenes just fine, not even paying much attention to what was happening, just getting through it. They say it's the most productive he's been in his career, scene after scene after reshoot after reshoot after scene. They're done filming two weeks early.

Louis doesn't leave New York, though, not for a while. Can't find the will to make it to the other side of the country. Where – where he is.

Harry's apartment is finally vacant, and they stay there for about a month. Harry doesn’t say anything, barely raised his eyebrow when Louis suggested it, and only slightly stares at Louis some days when they're just sitting there. Louis probably looks awful. Probably smells worse, too; he hasn’t showered in who knows how long. But Harry keeps bringing him food and water and the remote, so. He figures he's alright for now.

There was a cast and crew party, when they wrapped up production, but Louis couldn’t be bothered to go. He figures they only invited him out of obligatory pity anyhow – no way he seemed like he wanted to attend, nor did they want him there. Louis may have acted like a dick.

Harry does his best to redirect his attention away from the tabloids and E! – Louis vomits internally – and Twitter and all the gossip surrounding his love life. They're either all about Gabi or this mystery man Louis made cry in front of hundreds of cameras. Louis misses privacy.

Try as Harry might, there's just too much. Every day there's something. And the label's demanding he fly home for damage control, and he can only avoid them for so long. Plus, he has meetings and there are Oscar things to be discussed and new movies and Harry's apartment is far too new modernist for Louis to stand all the chrome any longer. And the paps found them, and there are large window walls, and way more security at their villa in San Diego. Which they fly out to the next morning.

And it's just awful at the airports. Louis wants to cry all over again.

Insults are thrown left and right – cheater, f*ggot, greedy, womanizer – anything that can be used against him. And no one knows the truth. He figures even if they did it wouldn’t make a difference. His life would still be shit. Alberto pushes them through the crowd of angry Americans and flashing cameras and they're about to get to the private terminal when he sees it – there's a sign, some people are rallied around it. It's rainbow, telling him they love him, no matter anything, really. And there's a few more, defending him, and Louis – he honestly doesn’t know how to process that. He hasn't even commented on all of the backlash towards him and they still stick by him. He stops in the middle of their rush and Harry bumps into him. The group with the signs start to wave and Louis starts to smile and then Alberto is grabbing his arm and yanking him along and Louis tries to make eye contact with them again but it's too late. There's too many people.

"Why'd you stop? Jesus," Harry groans when they get in the van, running a hand through his hair. The tinted windows block them from the flashes and fans finally. "I told you, don't pay attention to any shit they say, it's not worth your time, Lou."

"I… There was… rainbow," is all Louis can say. He – fuck.

Harry blinks at him. "Okay. You need a nap. We'll be back at the house in no time."

"That's not –" Louis gives up. He is tired. And confused. And freaked out. This is honestly the last place he wants to be.

The car ride is a lot longer than Louis remembers, but that's probably due to the overwhelming surge of people surrounding them when they try and leave. The paparazzi follow, and there's nothing they can do about that – everyone knows where Louis lives anyway. And there's a gated fence and security guards and cameras. Louis keeps telling Harry they should add a moat. Harry disagrees.

When they finally get onto the highway, Louis relaxes back in his seat – well, relax is probably too liberal of a term. He leans back but he is far from relaxed. As soon as he gets in he has a Skype meeting with Simon. Louis was told it was for image control, but he's probably only going to get yelled at. Definitely only going to get yelled at. Harry always finds a way to make himself scarce during those situations. Those are the times Louis hates him.

He must've fallen asleep because his head snaps up to the sound of more banging on the car and shouting all around him. They're probably about two seconds from the gate, but it's going to take a lot longer to get through the trespassing crowd. Louis hates them. Hates this part of the job. Sometimes it makes it less than bearable, especially recently. Alberto presses on the gas to intimidate them, and it works just enough for them to slip through the gate.

Finally in his privacy, Louis sort of relaxes. Unclenches his muscles a bit. Some worry is gone. He collapses on the couch as Harry goes around flicking on the lights and frowning at the collected dust. Louis dozes off again, and his eyes flutter open with the added pressure of Harry's body on the backs of his thighs. "Is it mean to fire the cleaning crew? I think we should. I feel like they just sat here while we were gone and watched TV and drank our wine. There's always a bottle missing, you know."

Louis swings his arm at him. "You're just being paranoid. And you only scheduled them for when we were filming. Forgot to tell them we were staying in New York an extra month."

Harry whines, digging his butt into Louis' legs. "Shit. They still take the wine though, I'll prove it."

"Sure you will." Louis wants to avoid it, but he can't. "What time?"

"You've got about five minutes," Harry says, sliding off and turning Louis over. "C'mon, look somewhat decent." He yanks on Louis' arm.

"Nooooo," Louis groans. "If I look how I feel then maybe he'll take pity on me. Quick, help me look like there's a giant fucking hole in my chest."

"Lou…" Harry sits next to him and wraps his arms around him. "You've been looking like that for days. Smile, or something. For me."

"I don’t feel like smiling," Louis adamants, pouting. He feels like crying.

Harry stares at him for a while before giving up and getting his laptop ready. It's still logged in to Louis' Skype, and he shudders when he sees all the past calls with Liam. He bites the inside of his cheek. Harry calls Simon.

And doesn’t leave. Even when Simon starts yelling. Harry stays with his leg touching Louis' and helping to take the heat. Louis loves Harry.

"You should've been more careful," Simon says.

"We were already being as careful as we could! Any more and it would've just been me in solitary confinement," Louis grumbles.

"Maybe that's what should happen," he tuts.

"Simon, please," Harry starts. "That's only going to make it worse. One, for me because I have to deal with –" he gestures distastefully to Louis. "And two, it'll look like he's hiding."

"Doesn't sound so bad," Louis mumbles under his breath.

"He just – a few interviews. About the movies. No relationship questions. To take the attention away," Harry continues.

Simon frowns, pointing a thick finger at them. "You know that's not going to work as well as you want. This should've blown over by now."

"Well, if you hadn't made me get a fucking beard –" Louis grunts but Harry squeezes his arm to stop him. "No, Harry. This is bullshit. Of course it's a big deal. I'm never seen public with anyone, and then all of this shit happens. With Gabi and Li –" Louis chokes. "I told you all it was a bad idea from the start. And now you've just made me a liar – I have to deal with that shit in my face now every day until something else grabs their attention. But even then…" Louis tries really fucking hard not to cry.

"I'm sorry, Louis," Simon tells him. "I didn't think it was necessary, either. Unfortunately, I was overruled. But." He pauses, leaning into the camera. "They're getting more and more resources. They're getting close to a somewhat cohesive story, the paps."

"Well, shit." Louis exhales, running a hand over his face. He can't really avoid this anymore, can he?

"What do they have?" Harry asks, circling the rings on his fingers.

"They're working with all their pictures they have of him, but most of them are shit. And someone let slip they've got a source. Like, an actual source."

Louis' heartbeat quickens. Could it – no, Liam would never do that. But Louis did immensely fuck it all up. But – Louis shakes his head. That's not something Liam would do. Even after all that happened – it's not _Liam_. He hopes. Maybe it was one of the others before? Louis wouldn't be surprised but he dreads to know the answer. "What can we do?" he asks, feeling impossibly small.

Simon sighs. "Honestly, nothing. Not until the story comes out. We can work from there. But right now, just deflect. Go about your business like what they have isn't important. It's not."

No, it really isn't, at least that's what he told Liam. Louis gnaws at his cheek now.

Harry and Simon exchange a few more words and Louis keeps his head in his hands. When the call ends, Harry sighs heavily himself. "Lou –"

"Harry, I fucked up. I fucked up so bad." His chest starts heaving, tears falling through the slits between his fingers. "What the hell is wrong with me? Why is it that when I actually find someone who isn’t sleazy or looking for money, who actually loves me, I go and screw it all up? Why am I such a fucking coward?"

"Don't say that, Lou."

"It's true!" Louis yells, flailing his arms and sitting up. "God, I fucking suck. Liam loved me, and I told him he wasn’t important enough. He _loved_ me. Why am I such shit? I –"

Harry pulls Louis into his chest and Louis sobs into it for who knows how long. He cries and cries until he physically can't take the burden anymore. His nose burns, his chest hurts, his eyes are swollen. He hates himself. All he tried to avoid is just blowing back up in his face right now.

He can't avoid being gay, can't avoid how he feels. He can't avoid anything.

And he's still so in love with Liam.

But he's so, so fucked.

+ 

Liam writes.

He writes so many songs, more than he knows what to do with.

And they're all about Louis.

There's this one. One that makes Liam's insides curl up and all his emotions about them swirl around until he's strumming the guitar way too hard and there're tears in his eyes when he gets to the last verse. And it makes him so fucking proud at the same time. Because. Because Julian loves it. And records him. And then it's a demo being sent to places and people and it's all too real.

It's all Louis.

Niall begs for a preview, as does Zayn, so Liam calls him while he plays for Niall and they both love it and Liam can't process any of what's happening to him.

He –

He misses Louis. So much. But he knows better than to do anything about it. He knows to stay away from that. He – if anything's going to get fixed it has to be on Louis' part. And based on all past evidence that's not going to happen anytime soon.

So Liam needs to move on.

But he can't.

So he throws himself into his music and pretends he did.

But that's really hard to believe when his face – albeit blurry – is on almost every channel, along with Louis' name. He thought it had died down, had shifted to Gabriela, but more and more bits of information are thrown out each day and Liam is terrified they'll piece it together. Although, it already looks quite obvious to him, they just need one clear picture.

More people do double takes when they see him, or they stare longer at him, trying to place him. Liam keeps his head down. He has to tell Julian, though, which isn't really a big deal, he's just worried for Louis' sake. Which, he reminds himself he shouldn’t be because Louis isn’t a part of his life anymore, but he can't help it.

And all Julian had as a response was, "Shit, man," before they got back to work. Liam's glad for that. No theatrics. He needs that, after everything.

Telling his mom that yes, that was him crying outside of Louis' hotel in that picture, was probably one of the worst moments of his life. Liam hated to disappoint her, and she had been so happy before. His heart ached when he could hear the catch in her voice as she tried to talk with him, and he tried to steer the conversation back to his music. She still ended up crying, though; Liam hopes it was mostly out of happiness. He tries to tell her how good a chance he has with this song, and he refuses to play it for her.

"I want it to be a surprise," he tells his parents when he visits them for the weekend. That's not entirely true, though. It's obvious what – who – the song is about and he doesn’t need their worried and puppy eyes on him. Honestly, he's 26 years old, he can handle a bit of heartache. Destruction. Obliteration. Whatever he calls it, it never seems to exactly qualify just how much his heart does hurt.

"Oh, c'mon. Just a snippet," his mom begs.

"Karen, please. Let him do what he wants. It's his song. We'll hear it eventually," his dad steps in and Liam smiles at him. He knows his dad's proud, just one look and he can tell. Liam is proud, too. After all they went through all those years ago, just to begin to launch Liam's music career – and here they are. A shot in their hands. Well, Liam's hands technically, but his dad deserves this every bit as much as Liam does. Liam can't help but wonder if his shot would have come if he hadn't met Louis. If this had never happened, he probably wouldn't have worked as intensely as he did, never would've made this song. It stings to think that, when he tried so hard for Louis not to have a direct hand in his success, but it seems he had some influence after all.

"Liam?" his mother asks, looking worried and cautious. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah. Was just – just thinking," he says, sitting up straighter.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asks.

He glances at his dad, who looks increasingly uncomfortable but simultaneously concerned. Liam knows they already know what's on his mind, everyone around him knows. He's not good at hiding his feelings. He shrugs. "Just – I just miss him. I – we." He clears his throat. "I just need to get over it."

"It's okay if you're not, you know," his mom tells him, a hand on his knee. "You were in love, these things don't heal overnight."

He places his hand over hers and squeezes. "Thanks. Excuse me." He leaves the living room and heads upstairs, feeling small and compact and overheated. He – he couldn’t talk about it more. His heart is still covered in scabs, he's not supposed to pick at them.

He considers scrolling through every news story or social media page involving Louis, then stops himself and considers calling Niall. He decides against that, too, slumping on the bed. He can't even watch his favorite movie to cheer himself up, because Louis is in it. He feels stuck. And he falls asleep.

When he wakes up, he has multiple texts from Julian begging him to come to the studio ASAP. And, as much as Liam loves his parents, that sounds much better than sitting around and very much not talking about the elephant in the room and having them tread around him like he's broken glass. So, Liam packs his bag up and texts Julian he'll be there.

He's ruffling around for his charger when he sees it. In the side pocket of his bag. A tiny box with purple wrapping paper. He pulls it out and unwraps it.

The guitar pick. The one Louis got for him.

Liam bites his lip. That feels like a lifetime ago. But, at the same time, it feels just like yesterday when Louis was frowning that he left it in New York. He must've put it in there when Liam visited afterwards. Liam swallows thickly.

He knows Louis' here, in L.A. Well, he's in San Diego, but he's almost always in L.A. doing work or something. He looks tired. Liam tries not to pay it any attention, but he's always on the TV, and he can't help it. If he's being honest, it's mostly what he did before he even met Louis. But Louis didn't look like this before, he looked happy and golden and privileged. Now, Louis looks – he looks drained. Liam can't say he's not concerned. But he's not stupid enough to go back.

He blinks away tears and shoves the guitar pick back into his bag. After finding his charger under his pillow, he heads downstairs to tell his parents goodbye.

"Sorry, they called me into the studio," Liam apologizes, hugging them both. "I'll call you when I get home. Love you."

"Love you, dear. And if you every need anything, don’t hesitate to call, I'm still your mother," his mom reminds him, pinching his cheeks and smiling sadly at him.

He grabs her hands. "I know, Mom. I will."

"Good luck, son," his dad says, clapping him on the back. Liam smiles at him before getting his jacket and leaving.

He drives in silence for the first time in his life. But he doesn’t think either. Just focuses on the road ahead.

+

Three months.

That's how long it takes for the story to die down. Three whole months.

And that's only because some other actor fucked up on live, national television and said something outrageously insensitive Louis does not want to repeat.

Louis is relieved.

The paps never got that story, but someone from the label did get caught trying to feed them information for money, and was immediately relocated to some small country to 'recruit new talent.' Louis didn't catch the details through his anger. And, since the paps were still expecting news, Harry found some random sap who looks like Liam and gave them his picture and name and they bought it. They didn’t really think that through because it almost turned into something bigger, but then the story fizzled, and they finally caught a break. Louis finally caught a break.

But then Liam released his EP and single. Not that Louis has been following up on that. Nor has he made a fake Twitter just to follow him. He's verified now, with his own website and everything. Louis isn't brimming with pride. Not at all.

When he heard Liam's song – well, he cried. Harry said it was for three days straight, and Louis didn’t really have the strength to deny that. It slapped Louis in the face, really. The whole EP did. He – he knows what all the songs are. They're all the words Liam didn’t get to say when Louis kicked him out of his life, all the words he never said when they were together, when Louis wasn't completely available. He – he royally screwed up, and he has no idea how to fix it. So he mopes about it, goes to meetings and mopes, goes home and mopes, bothers Harry and mopes. That's about all his life is now.

Thank God no one recognized Liam's face – even with all the fuzzy pictures and counter measures they took, it was still a high possibility when he released his EP so close to the story dying. And when those pics of that last day were pretty clear, since he was right in the cameras' faces. Even though it's not in the news anymore, Louis' knows he's not that lucky; it's still floating around and will blow up again, eventually.

But, he's had a lot of time to himself. He hasn't taken on any new projects, and he's only been doing satellite radio or call-in interviews, so he hasn’t had to leave the house, or put on pants. And Harry's busy with other clients, so it's just Louis, the TV, and his chips.

 And his own head.

He thinks about a lot of things. Himself, Liam, his family, Harry, his fans, his career. He thinks about that sign at the airport, about all the other positive messages he's received since then. He calls Gabi, and clears the air, since they didn’t even discuss their own 'break up' given that Louis was an irreconcilable mess. She asks him how he is and he can actually honestly say he's somewhat okay. It's a start, at least. Semi-improvement.

He mostly thinks about him and Liam, though. He thinks about when he first came out, and how he really never got shit for it, not like Liam did. And that little bit he was in college was easy, too. He thinks about how afraid he was, of himself. He wonders how he can embrace in himself in every way now, but not give others the chance to do it. He thinks he may be a hypocrite, anonymously advocating for equality. No, he knows that's true. He knows he's scared. He wonders why, though. Of what.

He doesn’t exactly think it's of coming out – it never was. It was about being rejected. Before, it was movies and opportunities, being stripped away of all his work before he was labeled. He's not so worried about that anymore. (Maybe because he did sign a contract for a five year movie deal, which he had his lawyer extensively read to inform him there were no loopholes, besides the fact that it would be workplace discrimination, which is illegal. And which Louis forgot.)

Now, he just fears that he's really lost Liam forever. What if he comes out and Liam still rejects him? Doesn’t take him back? Louis knows it won’t be easy, but – but he hopes. He wants more than anything to be with Liam. But Louis made him wait, for nothing. He made Liam accommodate him only to be thrown out of his life. Louis really hates himself for that. He told himself he was protecting Liam, but he was really only protecting himself. He was terrified and a mess and lost and turned Liam away, when Liam was probably the only one who could help. As much as Louis loves him, Harry isn’t Liam. He can't do for Louis what Liam can. He can't loves Louis like that, the way that he needs, and Louis can't reciprocate to anyone besides Liam. Only Liam. He's only ever felt this way about Liam, and doesn’t think he'll feel this way about anyone else, ever. No, he knows that, too. It's only Liam.

And he fucked it up.

But he's ready to fix it.

+

"Niall?"

Niall's head bobs up over the edge of the couch. "Sup, Payno?" Liam sighs and walks over, running his hands over each other. He slumps on the couch practically on Niall's feet. "You alright?"

"Long day," Liam says, trying to decide if he should smile or not. Like. He's so lucky, he _knows_ that. But goddamn he has to sleep. He can only operate for so many consecutive hours. "I, uh, have a question for you."

"Shoot," Niall says, tipping back his beer bottle.

Liam didn’t think this would be hard. It's not hard. It's _Niall_. He's his best friend. "So, like." Liam coughs. "Well, you know how they want me to do more songs and stuff, for the album. Possibly."

"Yeah." Niall nods slowly.

"Well, I can't do it all by myself. So I was uh, wondering." Liam swallows. "If you maybe wanted to play guitar with me, and like, write stuff. I know you never really got to do all the music stuff you wanted to and –"

"Liam fucking Payne!" Niall yells, throwing himself on top of him. Liam grunts. "You are seriously the best friend ever. What the hell, of course I would love to work with you, you idiot."

"I know, I just – ugh," Liam complains when Niall covers his cheek in a sloppy kiss. "I didn’t know if you could or –" Liam sighs. "So, we're partners now?"

"Does this mean I'll be getting a cut of your profit? Because then the answer's definitely yes," Niall laughs, climbing off of Liam.

"You're awful," Liam tells him, rubbing his cheek. "But yes, it does. And you'll get credited. Unless I decide I hate you and want all the money for myself," Liam teases.

"Yeah, like that'd ever happen. You love me too much." Niall pokes Liam's face.

"Unfortunately," Liam grumbles. "Alright, well, now that that's all settled, I'm going to bed."

"Wait!" Niall pounces on Liam. "Are you seriously just going to drop news like that and go to sleep? Who the fuck are you! You're making an album, man, we gotta get trashed." Niall bats his eyelashes and keeps his big blue eyes trained on Liam. Liam won't fall for it, he's stronger than that. He's too tired for that.

"Niall, I really am not in the mood for drinking or clubbing or anything that involves socializing with people," Liam groans, pushing Niall off of him. Liam's not really in the mood for anything but sleep.

"I'm not saying you have to go and pull someone, just like, come have a drink with me. One. Please?" Niall begs.

"You and I both know it won't be one drink," Liam says and Niall shrugs in acquiescence. Liam just isn’t ready for anything involving people and guys and hook ups and couples – he can't be around that. He just – he gulps. No.

"Leem," Niall says softly, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Come on, you gotta go out sometime. I'm worried about you."

"I'm fine, Niall," Liam tries, smiling small. He pats the hand on his shoulder. "I just – tired." Before he can get up, Niall has him in a big hug, face pressed into his shoulder. Liam kisses his head. "Love you."

"Yeah, love you, too," Niall mumbles, squeezing him again. "I'll get you one day."

"Maybe," Liam agrees, sliding out of his arms. He heads to his bedroom and flops on top of the bed, staring off into space. Niall's right, he does have to face the world eventually, but it's so much easier to avoid it. He gets the appeal it had to Louis. Liam – he doesn’t want to be that, though. Afraid and hiding. He needs to move on, really. But.

He wonders what Louis' doing. How he is. If he's okay. Liam worries. He wasn’t completely okay before, and he fears to think that Louis is worse now. Louis doesn’t deserve to be sad, or afraid, or alone. Liam knows he has Harry, and he's debated texting him to check up on Louis so many times but he stops himself. He has to. Louis is none of his business anymore. He's – he's not important enough. He has to remember that. Louis doesn’t want him anymore. At least not enough to face himself.

Liam tries to imagine if he did go out tonight, if he did go clubbing or get wasted, if he ran into Louis so easily again. Louis' still mostly in L.A., although Liam hasn’t seen or heard anything about him in a while. Liam guesses he's in San Diego still. Liam never got to see that house. He was supposed to spend time there with Louis after he finished filming but they didn’t last long enough. He –

God, he has got to stop thinking about Louis. Really. He thinks he kind of fucked himself over when he wrote all those songs about him, songs he has to sing over and over again now. He tries to pretend someone else wrote them, that it’s just a cover and they're not his words. Not his heartache. But he can't. It's been three months and he can still only think about Louis.

It takes him a really long time to fall asleep.

+

Louis is awful with words. He really is. And Harry in his ear every five seconds isn’t helping him think any better.

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Harry, I swear to fucking God if you ask me that again, I am going to throw you out the window," Louis growls, crumbling the paper in his hands and chucking it at his head. It gets caught in Harry's hair.

"Heeey," he whines, fishing it out. "I'm just – sorry. I'm just making sure, cause, you know."

Louis sighs. "Yeah, I know. But I'm sure. I'm ready. It was really stupid of me before, I just – I need to do it, already. I'll feel better."

Harry grins at him. "I'm proud of you," he says and Louis groans. Harry takes that as an invitation to be an obnoxious shit and flounces over to wrap his arms around Louis and kiss his face multiple times. "I'm so happy for you, Louis. So proud."

Louis groans again and fights to get Harry off of him. "Eugh, stop it, or I'm just going to open the window and yell it out."

"No one will hear you," Harry points out, sitting back. "Alberto kicked all the paps off the property."

Louis doesn’t have a response. "Are you going to help me write this, or not?"

"Yes." Harry peels himself away and grabs a pen. "But, are you sure you don’t want to tell anyone you're doing this? I think Simon ought to know. Or, you know, your Mom."

"I already told her," Louis says, booting up his laptop. "And she screamed in my ear. And what does Simon need to know for?"

Harry shrugs. "He's a good guy? Always been on your side?"

"Eh. We'll text him later," Louis dismisses, situating himself. "So, where should we start?"

"Don't look at me, it's your statement."

Louis hates Harry, he does. Especially when he keeps making silly suggestions while Louis is finding that this is actually quite serious. He's coming out for fuck's sake, this has to be perfect. And. Well, Louis has a lot to make up for, a lot to explain, a lot to share. He doesn’t have the time for games. His heart is about to explode out of his chest.

About three hours and two pizzas later, Louis thinks they have something solid. Harry agrees, but they're still apprehensive. So Louis calls his Mom and reads it to her, and Alberto, and Simon, per Harry's request. They all approve, Simon with a hefty nod and thumbs up, which is all Louis needs, really. They type it up and triple check it and then Louis is biting his nails with his finger over the submit button. It's a Twitlonger, which he never does, so it's bound to grab attention immediately. It's also a big fuck you message to the label, attached to an email. Louis is tired of their shit, and is adamantly convincing Harry to go independent; he has the money, and charm, and knows enough people to keep him on his feet. He's not sure how his other clients will work out, but to be honest, Louis doesn’t really care about them. He's sure they'll be fine, but Harry is his best friend.

"You good?" Harry asks, massaging his shoulders.

"Absolutely not," Louis laughs grimly. His finger still hovers over the button. "Guess I have to be, though, right?"

"You _will_ be," Harry says, bending down to kiss his head. "Everything will. Go on. Do it."

Louis sighs and reconsiders the last year of his life. If he had never met Liam, he wouldn’t be doing this. Wouldn’t be strong enough for it. He owes a lot to Liam, and can't describe how much he regrets what he said to him. He can't describe how much he regrets hiding, how much he just regrets not being brave enough. Like Liam. Liam was the greatest thing in his life, and Louis didn’t realize all he did for him until – until now, really. Louis really needs to fix that. But first, "Done," he says, clicking the button. The tweet is posted, the email sent.

Harry squeezes his shoulders. "I'll schedule some interviews." Louis nods and takes a deep breath, staring at his computer screen.

_I have a lot I want to say, but first and foremost is: I'm sorry. I never meant to lie and it's time for me to stop hiding. All my life I've been living in fear of who I am and who I love, and I really had no reason to. I didn’t like that I was pushing for all the kids like me to be comfortable with themselves and proudly come out when I wasn't doing that myself. I wasn't being honest with anyone, and for that I am truly sorry._

_To my fans, I'm sorry I never gave the answers you needed, or never responded to any of your messages. The truth is: I saw them, every last one of them. And I'm so glad I could help you come to terms with yourself, or make you happy; I'm glad I have your support in whatever it is that's happening in my life. You are all truly the best. Even when it was only rumors you stuck by me and I am deeply grateful for that. I shouldn’t have been scared._

_And, I want to make it clear that Gabriela is a dear friend of mine, and was not supposed to be used in any way. She is wonderful for putting up with me and all the shenanigans that come along with it. I should've been direct when asked questions, but it was really nobody's business what was going on with us or her or me. It's still nobody's business, but it's about time I shared it with everyone after all you've done for me. No more hiding._

_Don’t ever be afraid of who you are, you have the right to be whatever you want to be, and you should embrace it. But please don’t wait until you're almost thirty like I did, your life will not be as wonderful as it deserves._

_I'm sorry to anyone I've hurt along this journey and I thank you all for your support._

There're over fifty thousand interactions in seconds, and Louis can't decide if he wants to look at them or not. But he just said he wasn’t going to be scared, so he clicks the tab and begins scrolling. And. They're mostly positive. Some say they'll always support him and they're proud of him, some are angry he wasn’t honest but still are happy for him, some say they knew it, some say rude things. That's okay. Everyone can have an opinion. Even if they're wrong.

He gets so many texts. One from Gabi with three hearts, one from his hairdresser, one from almost everyone he's ever worked with – which is, really comforting. Beyond belief. And one from his mom that's chocked full of _so proud of you_ and _love you_ and so many other heartfelt things Louis has to move on before he cries.

He – he gets drunk. He doesn’t have the capacity for this sober. And he feels like he's on a cloud. He just fucking came out and no one is pillaging his house or throwing rotten tomatoes at him. He's fine. He's _great_. He's gay. And that's okay.

Harry gets smashed with him, and they fall asleep in some room they forgot they had with party hats on and vodka bottles gripped in their hands. Louis loves moments like this. This is when he loves Harry.

And then he's on Ellen. Talking all about it. Well, not all about it. Most of it. Like the being gay and coming out part, not how crappy he feels about hiding and Liam. He hasn't heard from Liam. Not that he was expecting it, but – maybe he was. Liam hasn’t tweeted since Louis came out, not that that's something Louis has been checking up on. Louis really wants to call him, or text him, or send a carrier pigeon, but he really has no idea what he would say. Nor does he think Liam would listen. He doesn’t deserve for Liam to listen to anything he has to say anyhow.

He does a few more interviews, and no one ever brings up past relationships or anything for Louis to say anything. He's actually not entirely sure he wants to, but. He just needs Liam to know. Needs Liam to know how he feels, about him and about everything. He loves him. He misses him. He needs him.

+

Liam didn’t see the tweet.  Not until a few days later when Niall ran into his room and showed it to him. Liam – well he wanted to fucking cry. And punch something. And go to Louis and wrap him up and kiss him endlessly. He – fuck.

He's proud of Louis, really. He is. It's just. He wishes this could've happened sooner. Like when they were together, but. But Liam knows it was never going to happen. Louis wasn't ready. He doesn’t know what changed Louis' mind, but whatever it is, he's glad for it. Louis deserves to be happy. Liam just wishes it was with him.

Then, one day after a particularly nasty studio session full of yelling and frustration, Niall and Liam trudge into their apartment, not really saying anything. Niall puts a frozen pizza in the oven and hands Liam a beer, and they fall onto the couch – too exhausted to move but too awake to sleep. It's late, and Liam's searching for some _Friends_ or something to watch, when he hears Louis' name. It's the James Corden show, Louis the featured guest. Liam sits up.

Louis looks good. Better. He's happy again, Liam can see that. He looks like the Louis Liam knows – knew. Bright and jumpy and funny. Well, at least one of them should be moving on, Liam thinks.

"Liam," Niall says, trying to take the remote away from him.

"No, it's fine. I'm okay," Liam tells him. Niall looks apprehensive, but sits back. He watches Liam out of the corner of his eye, though. Liam leans forward and trains his eyes on the show, on Louis.

They go through the general banter of 'good to see you' and 'how have you been' and 'what have you been getting up to' and all that. Louis says he hasn’t been doing much, just relaxing in his time off before his next movie starts filming. He doesn’t tell anyone what it is, but throws in promo for _Manhattan_ which makes James laugh. Liam smiles. Or, grimaces.

Soon enough, James gets to it and asks Louis about his coming out, what he was most worried about.

"Well, to be honest, I think I was more afraid of someone else getting to say it before I did, you know? Like, it not happening on my own terms. There's was always this pressure to do it but I could never find it in myself to go through with it, and then there was just the knowledge that the longer I waited, the worse it would be, and the more chance there was that it wouldn’t be me who got to do it," Louis says, twirling his thumbs but looking more confident than Liam has ever seen him on this subject. He is an actor, after all. Although, Liam can see it – in the lines on his forehead and the twitch in his smile, it's real.

"So are you telling me that there are some people out there who would've done it for you?"

"Not for me, for money," Louis laughs and so does the audience. Liam doesn’t find it funny. James looks outraged. "I can't tell you how many past boyfriends or… or whatevers have come to me trying to get some sort of pay off for keeping my secret. Backstage passes, gigs as extras, a new car, you name it."

"Well, jokes on them now, huh?" James says and Louis shrugs, a kind of twinkle in his eye that Liam definitely wasn’t focusing on. "So, any fellas, suitors? Any men throwing themselves at you now?" James teases, pretending to lunge at Louis. Louis just shakes his head. "Oh, come on, a man like you doesn’t have anyone special? Just look at that face." The audience cheers and Louis blushes. Liam sees where they're coming from.

Louis clears his throat. Niall is looking at Liam like he's about to break. Liam just might. "No, no… There was uh, there was one guy. It was all great, really in love and stuff, you know. But," Louis pauses, kicking his feet, the small smile on his face deflating. "But I screwed it all up." His throat works up and down and he looks up at the camera then, eyes soft. Right at Liam. Liam's breath catches in his throat.

The audience aww's and James frowns. Louis just looks sad. Liam's heart feels heavy in his chest. "I'm sorry to hear that, Louis. But you have plenty of opportunities to distract yourself, what with _Manhattan Streets_ coming out soon." The audience cheers and James claps. Louis kind of smiles. "Let's take a look. First preview ever, right here." It cuts to a clip of Louis' movie, and Liam doesn’t know what to do. It was a terrible segue, but he guesses they weren't expecting the mood to turn sour like that.

Niall still has an eye on Liam. "What're you thinking over there?"

Liam sighs, muting the T.V. "I don’t – I don’t know."  He runs his hands over his face. Hearing Louis say that, it – does it change anything? Liam feels like it should. He feels it does. Something, at least. Like – shit. He knows what Louis' like, how he is, how he goes about things. And – and that was actually a lot for him to do right there. Liam – it's not all he needs, all he wants, but it's something. Enough to go by. He – maybe he just wants Louis too much. Needs to take a step back and evaluate. But Louis' eyes were so – he said he screwed it all up. That means he still wants to be with Liam. Right? Does he want him in his life as much as Liam does? Liam – God, he hopes so. But he just doesn’t fucking know. It's not supposed to be this confusing. He's just supposed to be with the person he loves, that's how it goes. It hasn't been, though. "Am I – should I do something? Did it sound like he wanted to…" Liam falls against the cushions. He's exhausted.

"I think you should sleep," Niall says, turning off the TV and tugging on Liam's arms. "You're way too out of it to be thinking about this right now, sleep on it. We'll talk in the morning, if you want." He has an arm around Liam's shoulders and is taking him to his room.

Liam falls into Niall and lets himself be directed. He doesn't have the energy. "Niall?" Liam mumbles, half into Niall's shoulder, half into his bedding. Niall looks at him. "Do you… do you think I should've let him go like that?"

"Li, you didn’t let him go. You did what you had to do," Niall tells him, sliding his arm free and throwing a blanket over Liam. "But, no, I don’t think any of that should've happened. Probably the stupidest thing I've ever witnessed, and I saw Zayn try to impress Perrie through a game of strip beer pong." Liam laughs, that was the most hilarious thing he's ever seen. "I've got a lot of things I want to say to Louis, but I think you should go first," Niall finishes, dropping a kiss to Liam's head.

Liam hums as Niall leaves. He tries to think more about Louis, this, them – is there one? But he falls asleep before he can dwell on it too much. He doesn’t get past Louis' bright smile and shining eyes.

Zayn texts him. His Mom texts him. Even Gabriela texts him – when did they exchange numbers? All of the texts just basically consist of the question Liam can't even begin to answer: what is he going to do? He wakes up to all of this first thing in the morning – well, afternoon – and feels like pieces of his heart and brain are missing. The one person he wants to contact him is still silent, but Liam doesn't think that should hold either of them back. At this point.

With a shudder Liam realizes that his mom and dad had to experience all of this second hand, listen to Louis' confession on late night television, without even meeting him. He never met Louis' family either. Liam wonders what they all think of this; practically Liam and Louis' whole relationship splayed out in the media before ever getting the complete story themselves.  That's – that's not what Liam wanted, not at all. He had planned to introduce his parents to Louis soon after he was done filming, but again, that thread was severed before it could even be pulled.

Niall comes in with a tray of pancakes and coffee. And Fifa. And so they eat and spend basically all day in Liam's bed battling it out for the World Cup. Liam loves Niall, he does. And he misses Zayn. But he's only a phone call away, and it's not like he'll never see him again. He saw him just last week, actually. But he sees Niall every day, as he always did, but now it's more concentrated. They've grown a lot closer – which Liam didn’t think was possible – and he's not sure if it's because Zayn moved out or because of all Liam went through. That's okay, he doesn’t need to know why, he's just glad it happened. Niall's the best. He needs all that happy in his life.

After Liam beats Niall for the third time in a row, Liam's phone lights up again.

It's Harry.

He shows the screen to Niall, who only shrugs. Liam sighs and answers the call.

"I assume you heard?" Harry asks promptly, not giving Liam a chance to say hello. Liam doesn’t have to ask; he knows what he's talking about.

"Yeah," Liam answers, voice shaky. "Yeah, I saw it."

"So?" Harry presses, sounding annoyed. There's a groan in the background. Liam can only assume it's Louis, although he's not sure he entirely wants to. Harry lowers his voice to a whisper. "There's a car waiting for you in your parking lot. Are you coming over here or not because I am done with his wallowing."

"Wallowing?" Liam repeats, choking on the word. "Harry, wh –"

"Yes or no?" Harry interrupts, then sighs. "Please, Liam. This is a mess, and you know it. Everyone knows it. So, are you coming?"

Liam doesn’t hesitate. "Yes."

+

"Why did I do that, Harry? I – it was so stupid. Of course he doesn’t care. Why should he?"

"Maybe because he's a good person and you were in love?" Harry offers up, exasperated.

"But, I –" Louis stops, digging his fists into his eyes, hot tears threatening to well. His chest feels tight and cracked. "I should've gone to him, I should've – in person, so –"

"Louis," Harry stops him, a hand around his shoulder. "Stop it. You reached out to him – now, I can sit here and yell at you about your methodology all night long but I'm not going to do that, because you did it. It doesn’t matter how, but you did it. And isn’t this what you wanted? To be able to talk about things like this with the world? You took all your first steps here, Lou. Just wait and see what happens, okay?" Harry kisses by his ear.

"What do you mean wait –" Louis' cut off by Alberto shouting. "What's that about?" he groans, burrowing into the cushions. This is a really soft couch.

"I had him pick up something for me," Harry says. Louis hears the click of his boots as he walks off, around the corner towards the garage. He sighs, mentally cursing Harry for being absolutely no help at all.

"Um, hi."

Louis shoots up. Is that – no, he's probably hallucinating or something. Lack of sleep and sanity do that to a person. Still, he can't help it. It sounded too familiar, too close, too real. He slowly turns around. And promptly has a heart attack.

Liam's just standing there. Like, actually there. In his house. Staring at him. Hands shoved in his pockets and the same dumb look on his face he always has when he's anxious. Louis – God, he's missed him so much. He jumps off the couch, immediately regretting it because he's in week-old sweats, stains all around, and he's sure his hair is an unruly mess. Liam doesn’t take his eyes off of his, though, and Louis is really at a loss for words. He's going to kill Harry. Or hug him. Depends on how this pans out.

"Uh, what – I – hi. What – um," Louis fumbles around, trying to move closer to Liam. He bumps into the couch and almost trips onto his face, but he catches himself. Liam starts for him but stops himself. Right. Louis clears his throat. "I – what are you doing here?"

"I saw. Last night, this morning. Whatever." Liam says. He laughs nervously, gesturing around with his hands. "I – uh, yeah." He looks down. Louis wants to kiss him so bad, but he can't. Not yet. Maybe. "That's a lot of trophies," he says, pointing at the inlet mantel below the TV.

Louis glances at it. "Yeah, I – that's where we put them, like a reminder." He shrugs.

He can feel Liam's eyes on him, knows exactly how they look – soft and open and just exactly the way they would always look when Louis was feeling down on himself. But Liam only asks, "What's that small one in the middle?" He steps closer, trying to peer at it.

Louis chuckles. "Oh, that's my – my 'Most Improved Player' from youth soccer. Which we all know just means I went from terrible to just short of bad."

"Louis," Liam says.

"Need that one up there the most," Louis continues, voice softer. "I've gone from that to…to this. Although this hasn’t really been working out for me lately." He looks up at Liam, swallowing hard.

"Louis –" Liam repeats, voice cracking. He steps closer to Louis.

"I meant it," Louis tells him, trying to keep it together. "I fucked up. I – I was too afraid to let you be there for me and I fucking ruined it. I'm so sorry, Liam. I should never have said that. You're the most important person in the world to me, you're more than enough. I – it wasn’t fair to drag you into my shit but then try and use it as an excuse to push you away. I had to work on myself but I – I shouldn’t have treated you like that. I – I'm sorry. I used you as a distraction until it all finally caught up with me and I couldn’t avoid it, or handle it, and I took it out on you and I'm sorry. So sorry. My worst regret is hurting you. You didn't deserve that. But I – fuck. Fuck, Liam. Your song. All of them. I – they're so good, I'm so happy for you. You deserve this." Louis is honestly surprised he managed to spit all of that out at once. But he's stronger now, that's the point. He's grown. He's still in love, though. Hopelessly.

Liam just blinks at him for a moment. Louis did say a lot. "I – thank you. About the songs. I – I guess I should thank you for that, too – being the inspiration, and all."

Louis flinches a little. He knew they were about him, but. But it still stings. "Are you putting out an album?"

Liam tries not to grin. Louis tries not to, too. Liam is so beautiful. "Uh, maybe? I think so – they want more songs, obviously. More variety. Niall and I have been working on stuff non-stop for the past month."

"You and Niall? That's great!" Louis can't help smiling now.

"Yeah, yeah, it really is." Liam's grin is huge. Just like his heart. That Louis broke. "We – I just can't believe any of this is happening."

Louis nods – he's been in that boat. "You don’t ever really get used to it," he tells Liam.

"I can't imagine how you could," Liam says, shaking his head, smile still wide. Louis' heart twitches. Then, Liam's smile kind of falls. "I – uh, I found it. The pick you got me."

"Oh." Louis forgot about that. He – that feels like forever ago. Well, it was, but. It feels like years ago. He snuck it into Liam's bag while he was in the shower, a visit or two before they – before the last one. "Um, have you –"

"I don't use it," Liam says, words slapping Louis in the chest. "I – I couldn't. After – after everything. It was too much," he admits softly, eyes downcast.

Louis inches towards him, tears welling. "I'm sorry," he whispers, voice breaking.

Liam looks up at him. Eyes watery. "Me too."

Louis' heart cracks. He tries. He reaches for Liam's wrist. Liam doesn’t pull away. God, it feels so good to be able to touch him again, something so simple, yet everything in Louis burning. "Liam – I. I never stopped. Loving you. Through all the shit and the thinking and anger and awful, I – I could never. You're still everything to me. You're worth more than my sexuality being public. I'm sorry it took so long for me to come to terms with that – but I always knew. You were more important than anything. Having you by my side, is – was – I just." He stops, shaking his head.

"I didn't, either," Liam admits, looking pained. His throat bobs. "I wanted to – God, I – I wanted to hate you. For what you did, but I couldn't. I – I kept on loving you. I couldn’t do anything about it. Except write," he kind of chuckles. "I think I knew. That you didn’t really mean what you said. But – it was all I could think about."

"Liam , I never wanted you to –"

"I know," he cuts him off, grabbing Louis' other wrist. He trails his finger along the bone. "I just – Louis, I can't do that again. Go through something all for nothing. I just can’t –"

"I know, I know, I'm sorry." Some tears fall out of Louis' eyes, onto their joined hands. "That was just – I was stupid, and afraid, and it's not going to happen again. I promise."

"You're still going to be stupid, though. It's your specialty," Liam teases. They're getting closer and closer, bodies mirroring as close as they can without touching. Liam's forehead leans down against Louis'. He's as warm as ever.

Louis smiles. "Yeah. Stupid over you." Liam's upper lip curls up, fingers still dancing on Louis' skin. He's missed this so much. His heart beats nervously in his chest. "Liam –"

"Shh," Liam whispers, closing the gap. Their lips meet and Louis' body goes rigid, in shock, before melding into it. Like they used to. Their rhythm. Liam's hands slide to Louis' hair, Louis gripping the back of his shirt tightly. He – fuck. This is everything he's been craving. He's needed this so much. Liam's hands on him, sucking his lip and kissing him like he's all that matters. Liam is all that matters to Louis. He tries to convey that much of what he hasn’t already said with his tongue and hands, pulling Liam closer, entwined completely. The tears that had collected on Louis' eyelashes fall onto Liam's cheeks, trailing down between their lips. Louis doesn’t care –he's finally gotten to taste Liam again, he won't let that go for anything.

Except maybe air. Liam pulls back a little, forehead back on Louis'. Louis still clutches at his shirt, holding on to him tightly. Their breaths puff out heavily between them, and Liam slides his hands down to Louis' waist.

"Missed that. You," Louis says.

Liam nods slightly. "So did I."

Louis can't believe this. Can’t believe Liam's here. There's too much in his head right now, in his heart. He swallows. "I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing." Liam squeezes his sides. "Just promise me you'll never do that to me again."

Louis shakes his head fervently, crawling his hands over Liam's back. "I would never – I – of course not."

"We're a team, yeah?" Liam asks, eyes pleading into Louis', scanning over him.

Louis tries not to grin. "Yeah. Me and you. Always. I'll never – me and you," Louis repeats, failing at concealing his elation.

Liam smiles just as wide. "Good. I like it best that way."

"Me too," Louis agrees, leaning up to press his lips to Liam's. Liam keeps his palms on Louis' cheeks, kissing him deeply. Everything broken between them, sealed back together, tight. The way it should be. Months of pain shattered within ten minutes, giving way to this. Them. This is what they are. A unit. A tide, flowing together. A melody. Carrying each other. A song.

They soon shift into a hug. A warm embrace that has Louis' arms locked around Liam's back, cheek pressed into his shoulder. This is his favorite smell, his favorite place. He loves it here. With Liam. Loves Liam so much. Maybe too much, but he's okay with that. He's okay with everything, if it means he can have Liam.

Harry's staring at them from around the corner. Probably listening the whole time, the bastard. He looks on the verge of tears and utter glee, and also looks entirely too smug. Louis doesn’t even care. He's too happy. Harry grins at him. Louis will hug him later.

+

 

**_Big Night For Louis Tomlinson_ **

_Caitlin Brody_

_February 29 th, 2016 09:52:47 am_

 

Last night, the red carpet was rolled out, the stars were dazzling, the evening was extraordinarily memorable. The Oscars captured the attention of everyone around the world, but Louis Tomlinson only had eyes for his date: Liam Payne.

The pair emerged from their town car suited up and smiling, posing for pictures before entering the event. Tomlinson kept a firm hand on Payne's back as they navigated through the crowd of gowns and interviewers, looking far happier than he has in the recent months. Following their brief split, Louis became a recluse in his San Diego villa he shares with his best friend and manager, Harry Styles. It was later revealed by Tomlinson that he and Payne had been dating secretly for quite some time, their relationship only becoming known after Tomlinson publicly announced his homosexuality, and terminated relationship. The two soon reconnected following this announcement, multiple pictures of their outings around L.A., San Diego, and New York City posted across social media by fans and paparazzi the like. They have obtained tremendous support from Tomlinson's fans and Payne's own emerging fan base, as he released his single 'All I Want' and an EP of the same name, last summer. It is rumored the songs are about the couple's break-up, but if you give the songs a listen it seems quite obvious that Tomlinson was the inspiration, despite Payne's lack of comment on the speculation.

Nevertheless, the pair is stronger than ever, and posted a 'selfie' to Tomlinson's Instagram this morning with the caption: 'getting ready for tonight!! so excited :) can't wait to take this guy on the red carpet ♥.' View the picture [here](https://40.media.tumblr.com/f2ce2017f45249d0bd24f76596d70a2f/tumblr_npasosBREY1slj2fzo1_r1_540.png).

Tomlinson was associated with two award nominations, 'Best Male Actor in a Leading Role', and 'Best Makeup and Hairstyling,' both for his fall film, _Manhattan Streets_. Payne, while he may have been Tomlinson's date, had his song 'All I Want' featured in _The Best of Us_ , which was nominated for 'Best Cinematography.' Payne didn't seem too upset over his lack of nomination, actively seeking out stars and crew of the film to congratulate them when he wasn't attached to Tomlinson's hip. Payne's debut album is set to come out later this year.

Perhaps the greatest moment of the whole night was Tomlinson jumping into Payne's arms upon winning 'Best Actor,' the couple almost falling over in the aisle amidst their kiss. Harry Styles quickly joined in on the embrace, wrapping his arms tight around his friend. Niall Horan, Payne's roommate and writing partner, also offered his congratulations from behind, along with Tomlinson's mother and step-father. Cheers filled the theater when Tomlinson finally made his way to the stage, eyes of the crowd split between him and his ensemble of loved ones, which consisted mainly of Payne and Styles hugging with tears in their eyes and grins on their faces as they watched Louis accept his award.

Tomlinson's speech was the general works, thanking the whole cast and crew of the film, anyone who's ever worked with him or hired him, his family, Styles, and Payne. He delivered a heartfelt notion about self-acceptance and urged us all to be supportive of one another in any endeavors we might have as we discover ourselves, living a life journey full of love for those around us. He dedicated the award to the kids of his and Payne's charity foundation, 'Over the Rainbow,' an organization that supports members of the LGBTQIA+ community and their allies, that works to provide support, counseling, financial aid, and bullying prevention for those in need. Tomlinson then wound his way back to Payne, thanking him for his insurmountable strength and support in keeping up with Louis and his 'antics' as he called them, noting that Payne has been his rock before he even knew he needed him. 'Liam is the absolute best guy I know. Sorry, Harry,' Tomlinson teased, laughs erupting from the crowd and Styles and Payne themselves, as Harry pretended to pout and Liam kissed his cheek. Tomlinson ended with, 'I love you all, thank you so much for this,' raising the award in the air before pointing it at his loved ones and walking off the stage. Tomlinson's speech can be found on his YouTube channel.

After all the festivities and after-parties, Payne took to his own Instagram and posted an old picture of the two of them from Payne's appearance on Good Morning America, captioned, 'throwback to when he stood out in the cold all morning for me and didn't want to admit it :) love you sm so proud of you babe :))) ♥ (thx to whoever took this!).' View the image [here](https://41.media.tumblr.com/25e106e22b49d4c3029fb586de28bb08/tumblr_npasosBREY1slj2fzo2_r1_540.png). Tomlinson then commented, 'how absurd! i was only there for robin!! ;),' quickly followed with 'love you more ♥♥,' causing a frenzy amongst the social media world and all their fans.

Tomlinson tweeted multiple thanks again after his acceptance speech, promising to 'keep doing great things as long as they [the fans] will have him'. Tomlinson's next project has been confirmed as a five movie series, under the direction and crew of most of his _Manhattan_  family. The series' name is yet to be released.

 

_**More Oscar articles here**_

**Author's Note:**

> i apologize for the shit insta posts but i just really wanted to include them. (and i totally made up those usernames sorry if they actually are anybody's) (did u notice gabi wink wink)
> 
> also, i do/did love elounor, and the gabi thing was just for the fic, no relation to any thing/idea/theory floating around out there. coughs.
> 
> if you were wondering, liam's EP track listing is as follows:  
> 1\. All I Want [actually by kodaline. so good.]  
> 2\. Half a Heart [actually the boys]  
> 3\. Through the Dark [also the boys]  
> 4\. Use Somebody (cover) [kings of leon/the boys' cover/liam's actual cover, however you wanna look at it]  
> 5\. I'm Yours (cover) [jason mraz, or again, the boys'/liam's cover, however you fancy]
> 
> also the song he sang for louis somewhere in the middle was once in lifetime also by the boys, which i know is obvious but im just being cautious here
> 
> why are lilo so stupid


End file.
